A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I recently dumped my girlfriend of 4 years and now I'm single. Directly after I dumped her I met a girl that I knew a little from before. She was also about to dump her boyfriend since he was a douchebag.However, we talked and texted and those few times we met it was pretty good. We had sex a few times and talked all night, I could tell that she liked me but she was constantly trying to tell me that she wanted to wait, that we shouldn't rush, that it would be better than this in the future. I was cool with that since I just was in a relationship, in fact I wasn't needy at all cause I just had a great time. So we did like this for about 4 weeks and yesterday, from nowhere, she told me that she is in a messy place right now and needs time to think. My question is, is this just a way for people to say "f*ck off, I'm not interested". Or is it possible to feel that you can't date someone because your in a "bad place"? I'm a guy so for me it's impossible to understand her, if I have a lot to think about id love to spend my time with a girl. Why prefer loneliness?I don't want to forget her 100%, but also I don't want to wait for her when she might never come back.Also, I don't know what to do with myself. It's like she was a substitute for my girlfriend (even if I really like her) and now when I don't have her I feel very lonely and stressed to find a new girl. People tell me that I should be alone for a while.. What do you think?Thanks!
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 October 2013):
 It's almost like the concept of transference in counseling. Basically, you just got out of a long-term relationship and rather than be lonely and single and deal with the break up, you're transferring all of these desires for a new mate onto this girl. You're looking to have her fill a void in your life. To me, this indicates you should do one of two things.
1. Stay single for a whole until you stop feeling lonely and sad being on your own.
2. Find a f*ck buddy. It doesn't have to be this girl. Just any girl.
But I don't think you're in need of a relationship right now, as you're on the rebound.
As for her, I don't think she IS choosing loneliness. She may be wanting to work it out with douchebag. He may still be in the picture. Otherwise, I don't think she would have asked for time and space.
I would suggest taking some time for yourself and then try dating again once you're in a great place. However, I definitely wouldn't wait around for this girl. Good luck.
A
female
reader, misLadYd..  +, writes (26 October 2013):
 You are on a rebound and rebounds are not good if they come with strings attached. Yes, you deserve a break..clear your mind and focus on you..after 3_6 months you will be fine again and then you can start dating.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 October 2013):
 Your entire issue with her is summed up in these words:
She was "about to dump" her douchebag boyfriend. Her flaky behavior and desire for you to slow down after getting all hot and heavy is because she HASN'T dumped him. Rule number 1: Never get involved with anyone who's "about to" dump, divorce, move out of a partner's house. That's the messy part of this.
If you're single, date someone who is single. Third parties in relationships make things messy. Now she's hurt you by cheating on her boyfriend (she calls HIM a douchebag, yet she's the cheater?)
Do not see her again. Move on slowly. Don't rush a new relationship, and when you do get into one, don't jump straight to sex, and make sure she is as single and unencumbered as you are.
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