A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a divorced single mother of 2 little boys, 6 and 8. I recently started seeing a man who is separated with 3 children but his divorce won't go through until he and his ex have agreed on custody and support issues. I was cautious about dating him in the first place because of all of the baggage involved, and the potential for the kids to be hurt out of it all. We talked about it and decided that we would give it a try. All of our kids ended up meeting each other and everything was great. Then his ex found out that he was seeing me. She freaked out on him about the whole thing, even though she's been seeing someone herself and claims to want to marry him. After that, she started limiting the time he spent with his kids and even denying him his weekends. We ended up fighting over one of the snide comments she made about me and the next day he told me he's too messed up to be in a relationship right now and he needed to go on a "break". He said he feels guilty about still being married (we're both Christians) and if I think he's that special, I'll wait for him. He said this isn't healthy and we need to both be healthy before we can be together. I understand where he's coming from but at the same time, we had talked about all of these issues before we got really involved. To top it off, his ex just told him she's four months pregnant with her boyfriends baby and he's stressed out about that. I feel helpless and I don't know what to do. Should I wait? Is he playing games with me? He knows I'm taking this really hard and he called me to see how I'm doing. He told me he still wants to see me and hang out.. I honestly don't know if I can do it. When I asked him to please just be honest with me about what he wants, he told me that we "can't be together at this time" and that he "can't be what (I) want him to be at this time". He also told me that I would help him out by just listening and being encouraging to him, by being a friend. I care about him and would like to be but I'm so upset myself right now, and I'm trying to stop my own emotions from going all over the place. Should I just let this all go?
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (8 November 2009):
 I personally think when there is a messy divorce going on he needs to concentrate on just being a good dad to his children and getting through this the best way he knows how.
Also the fact that his ex is obviously one of these women, who although she doesn't want him, she can't stand the fact that he has found someone else and is now USING the children as a weapon against him, that is just pure evil and she is playing mind games with him. To top it off she is pregnant by the new bf so that must be hell for your guy right now. She has certainly moved on quickly from him, but as soon as she remarries, she has a nice little set up so the fact that this divorce seems as though it could be settled reasonably quickly depending on custody and support issues.
Let him just try to deal with the day to day crap and keep up the contact with him by phone, email or text but by taking a step backwards, means that you are mature enough to see that he needs this space until things are more settled through his lawyer etc. He can also put his energy into having a regular routine with his children.
Right now you need to also think about your 2 boys as they are probably confused as well and I would explain to them that your bf has not gone out of your lives but he is just trying to be a good dad right now and when the time is right you can possibly spend more time together again.
He has said he would appreciate your support right now but he is getting enough aggro from his ex that he really wouldn't be able to handle it coming from both sides. If you start making demands of him, he would possibly have to walk away for good and then who wins at the end of the day, the ex wife. Don't give her the upper hand.
Let him have his space, keep up the support and contact but limit actually spending time with him if at all, she could turn it back on him to use in the divorce and I bet you wouldn't want your name and that of your children dragged through the courts. You have to protect you and your own as well right now.
There is still plenty of time for you both to have a fantastic life together once the divorce has been dealt with. It will be worth the wait if you truly love or have strong feelings for this man.
A 6 and 8 year old are not stupid but they also need mummy to be supportive of them right now. Do you get on well with your ex btw?
Be patient, it will be worth it in the end and if for any reason it doesn't pan out then at least you know you made the right decision for you and your boys instead of getting embroiled in a horrible slanging match with his ex.
Keep us posted OK, stay strong and confident as I know us single mum's have to be mum and dad most days so keep up that good job first and then anything else is a bonus eh!!
BFN
Country Woman
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