A
female
age
36-40,
*ruthplease
writes:I met and have been going out with this guy for three months now and we did not have anything other than a flirtatious relationship up until one month ago. The first time we slept together was amazing and we had great chemistry. The next night after we slept together I wanted him to come to my friends party and he had agreed but said since he had a prior engagement with a coworker that he might be late but that he would come. It ended up that he did not come that night, he sent me a text at 10pm (the time he was suppose to be there) saying that he had too much to drink and couldn't drive. I got upset with him and text him the next day that if he knew he was going to see me that he should not have drank that much, and that he made me feel sad because he had promised. He then called me and said that we needed to talk and that he was not ready for a relationship at this point in his life (he divorced a year or two ago and now started a new job that he says is stressful). He said that he does not think it's fair to me and that he wants to let me know that he cannot be good to me in a relationship because he wants to focus on himself and will be selfish at this time in his life. I was so sad because I had slept with him and at the time we did not have that understanding, so I was lightly crying on the phone, he said he was sorry and that he hopes I don't think that he tricked me into having sex with him. We decided to meet the next night to talk more. The next night I had gathered my emotions and tried to be strong and I met him at his house after my class (everywhere else was closed). He started the conversation then I said 'no we don't need to talk about it, sorry about last night that I got emotional, it's just that you lead me on and that made me sad, but I am an adult and I chose to sleep with you and now I can deal with it that you don't want anything' He looked a little shocked and said that I misunderstood him and that it's not that he doesn't want anything, it's that he is stressed at his new job and that for the first time in his life he has time to focus on himself and if he starts a relationship it is going to interfere with that. But that he still likes me and loves being with me. I told him that we don't have to have a relationship just yet, but that I am not the type of girl to have a friends with benefits either, so it has to be more than that. The conversation was longer but basically we settled on that and we cuddled and he tried to have sex again that night but I said no and that I have to think about us before I have sex again with him because I will have emotions develop. He said that he has emotions when we have sex too and that he wants me to have emotions. I still didn't that night but said I would think about it. He went on vacation with his family for two weeks and was gone, the day he got back he immediately text me so we could make plans. He said dinner and a movie, but since he doesn't have a car (got into an accident) he suggested just doing a movie at his place. I went to his place he was excited to see me and we slept with each other that night because I had missed him a lot and could sense that he had missed me too. After we slept together he didn't cuddle or anything he just asked me if I wanted to spend the night or if I wanted to go home because he had a work project to work on so if I wanted to go home he would spend an hour with me then work on it later. I said I would go home so he sat next to me for an hour no cuddling or anything just watching tv. Then I got up to leave and was upset, he asked me what was wrong, then I told him about cuddling, he said I should've told him I wanted to cuddle and that he can't read my mind and that he owes me a cuddle session. It just felt like I was there to have sex with him without the cuddling and stuff but I couldn't tell because he was apologizing for the way I felt about no cuddling, so maybe he was just tired?He said to text him when I got home so I did, and that was the last contact we had all week (last sunday). This friday after a week no contact he sends me a text saying how are you. I respond but he doesn't say anything about hanging out over the weekend (and normally he calls or texts about hanging out), he says he just got home from work and is really tired so he is going to pass out. I say goodnight then on Saturday he sends me a funny youtube video link but that's all nothing about seeing eachother or hanging out. I see some recent activity between him and another girl on facebook that's from his hometown (he is liking her pictures and is tagged in a pic of just him and her from before I had met him, but I don't want to jump the gun and assume things since he told me he is not sleeping with anyone else. He said he is not sleeping with anyone else but he never said he is not dating anyone else. Am I overthinking this? It's just that from the couple of times sleeping with him I have developed emotions and now I really like and miss him but he is treating me like a distant friend for the last week, I am confused what is going on? Even though I told him I don't want friends with benefits he is now treating me as less than that even! Please give me some advice, should I talk to him, or should I wait and let it go because he is stressed at work, or should I assume he has someone else? Pleassssee help
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female
reader, Truthplease +, writes (9 May 2013):
Truthplease is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your feedback. I am sad to say you are all correct, but it just hurts that when I had the conversation with him that if all he wants is sex then I can't just have sex with him and not develop feelings, that he turned and told me it's ok to have feelings and that he does too. Now that I have had sex with him a couple times I have feelings and he has stopped contacting me. Why would he tell me to start having feelings, just for easy sex? That hurts. Also I saw that he is on facebook becoming friends with different girls from his area and he is relatively new in town so it must mean he is going out to bars and meeting women, when he told me is so busy with his work that he wants a relationship with me but can't do it because he wants to focus on other stuff and won't have the time. I don't understand why he could not have been upfront with me from the start, seeing that I am emotional and that I told him that I am emotional, that he doesn't want anything with me, instead of starting this whole thing and now leaving me dry. My question is what should I do the next time he contacts me, should I bring it up that I am upset that he hasn't made an effort to even see me or talk to me since the last time we had sex (bringing up "that" whole conversation of emotions again) or should I just start to ignore him and cut him off? Or can I be friends with him?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): He doesn't want a relationship, he wants sex.
And he was upfront with you, from the beginning. Yes, I know there was a post-conversation, but unless he says: "I am ready for a relationship and I want to be with you,"then it doesn't matter.
He sounds like a decent person, he doesn't want to hurt you. Either you can handle a sexual relationship with no commitment or you can't.
Guys are pretty black/white, not to generalize, but if they want to be with you they are. Plain and simple. Women are more layer, but men aren't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): It is so hurtful and annoying to be in this situation but you need to really listen to the advice you are being given. He is after sex. If he had feelings for you, he would make a real commitment to contacting you or taking you out. I know this is a hard thing to accept as you obviously want him to care about you. Right now you'll be making excuses for him "he's tired" "he's always so busy" etc. He says little things that keep you hooked on thinking there's a chance "i get feelings when we sleep together too" "why didnt you just ask me for a hug". This is just to confuse you into reading feelings that arent really there. You have to accept that if he wanted to be with you he would be. If you are still convinced that he might just not be ready to commit try hanging out with him without sex for a few months. See how much he contacts you then..
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 May 2013):
 Overthinking ? You are underthinking this, It's so evident : welcome to FWB-land.
" But I told him... " yes, you told him a) he is an uninvolved stranger,he not your bf : he does not particularly care about your wants and needs, if they are conflicting with HIS b) first you tell him you don't do FWB, then you do and accept exactly what FWB is about, so what speaks louder are your actions, not your words.
He does not want a relationship with you. He does not want to bother with arriving in time to parties , calling every day, reserving the weekend for you and stuff like that. Naturally, he is happy, though, if he can have you in his life, and in his bed, whenever is convenient for him and it does not interfere with any of his otehr priorities and actibìvities. I.e. , a casual relationship, friends with benefits, a sexual friendship,... whatever name or definition you want to give it, it does not change the substance, he is NOT going to act as a boyfriend, think feel talk or cuddle like a boyfriend.
That, regardless if he has another woman, or two , or none whatsoever. Regardless if he has to work a lot, or a little, or average.
He told you in very clear terms, and he SHOWED you in even clearer terms, that you are not going to be in a relationship or in any relationship-y kind of agreement.
What you see is exactly what you get.
If you don't like it- you should leave it. It's only up to you- he is not going to change anything, because for him it works well this way. If it does not work for you, it's YOU that have to make changes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): He is feeding you a bunch of BS. Judging by what you wrote this is all he wants: sex. He did mislead you. He should of told you about his desire to not have relationship before sex. He knew exactly what he was doing. It doesn't really matter if he dates someone or not, he might as well be doing that. He is not treating you as his girlfriend. My question to you is: why you let him put you in a position that you guys only have sexual relationship if this is not what you want? Of course he was excited to see you because he wanted sex. You don't have to tell him about cuddling, that's what people do when they are affectionate to each other. All he wants is sex. That's why you have to come to his house, that's why you don't date, that's why he couldn't care less about coming to a party. It's all on a surface, there is no mistery here. He texts you just to keep n a leash, in case he has no one to have sex with. And you are there available. You need to trust your feelings. A very good indication on how your relationship is going is how he makes you feel. Obviously this guy doesn't make you feel good about the whole thing. You cry, you are frustrated. Don't continue, nothing will change. He can go and look for his easy lay somewhere else with a woman who wants exactly that and nothing else.
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