A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Just to repost this for more replies from our aunts:My boyfriend of 1 year and I broke up 6 months ago.For 4 months, we remained in contact though he expressed twice that he wished for me to stop contacting him. On the 5th month apart, having settled every unfinished business with him, I said goodbye. This is inspite of the fact that I still love him but I realized I cannot force someone to love me.Well, the wierd thing is, when I stopped initiating the contact..he was the one sending me ramdom msgs on text, calling me at dawn, dropping by my house unexpectedly and telling me stuff like he is depressed or something. Sometimes i reply, sometimes I dont. Recently, I was on vacation and when I opened my roaming..i got messages from him asking me where I am, how I am doing. Then another message half a day apart asking me if I was on vacation, and if I am he wanted to extend his hello to my family. Then he sent me a missed call which I think he is in panic that I didn't answer his messages.I admit I am flattered with this but I want to know if I could rely on his behavior as wanting to get back with me? At some point I feel he still loves me but I don't know how I will find it out without sounding desperate to know.How do i deal with him and what is the best way to know if there is a chance he wants me back? I don't want to keep on guessing but I don't want to pressure him to answer me with this question.What do you all think? Please advise..
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Is he a mentally healthy guy? I ask because of this description: "Other times, he becomes emotional and he pours out how is life is miserable. When I don't reply he panics." What are you, his crying blanket? He's laying pain and hurt and the negative side of his life on you, and gets upset when you're not around to dump on? I don't like it. It doesn't sound healthy to me.
It sounds like he's having trouble letting go of the emotional connection, even if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. You could stipulate to him that he only contact you when he has something good to say, that you don't want to hear about how down he is, it only drags you down too. If you were in a relationship, naturally, you would be supporting him through his misery, but as you are not, it is not fair for him to lay all the crappy emotional baggage on you.
I think where you stand is as an ex to him, someone he has some feelings for, but for whatever reason, the two of you cannot sustain a romantic, loving and healthy relationship. Is it him, is it you, is it the combination of the two of you? You sound pretty normal. He sounds a bit pathetic, frankly. I think I'd support you moving on and cutting him off in order to keep yourself from being held back from life--waiting for something to happen that probably never will. If it bothers you to cut him off right now, give yourself a timetable: "If he doesn't make an honest and real attempt to reconcile by February, I'm cutting off all contact." I randomly chose 3 months, but you might choose 2 or 6, it all depends on how much uncertainty and randomness you can tolerate.
What do you think of that?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much Tisha.
That is exactly what I do right now. To be honest, I still love him but the 6 months apart have made me get used to a life without him.
It had been months ago when I had last initiated contact with him. And that is in the light that I have to move on with my life. And surprisingly, he seeks me out. Not regularly, but once a week, twice a week...I receive a message from him about random stuff and sometimes non sense things. Other times, he becomes emotional and he pours out how is life is miserable. When I don't reply he panics.
I don't cut him off totally as I still love him and would give him another chance. But it should not start from me. But i don't show any single emotion other than being happy and replying to him in civil way.
But i dont want this to go on forever. I need to know where I stand. If not, maybe I will just totally cut him out and not look back anymore to the past. What do you think?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 November 2009):
The way you know if he wants you back is if he start pursuing you with intent. A few random messages are probabably a genuine desire to say 'hello' and wish you well. From the way you've presented your question, I assume he knows you'd still be interested in a relationship with him? Then let him call you, try to make plans to see you.
I think a man who knows he has the green light to pursue a relationship will do so if he is truly interested. If he's not, no matter how available you make yourself, he's not going to go out of his way to see you.
I think you should think of the words "dignity" and "warmth" in your interactions with him. Preserve your dignity but continue to show warmth toward him if you are truly interested in rekindling what sounds like a troubled relationship. Patience and time will provide this answer.
In the meantime, continue living your life to the fullest; don't put yourself on hold for him.
Good luck!
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