A
female
age
41-50,
*adcupid
writes:He is the One.I knew it right when I met him the first time. He was trying to forget his first real important Love that HE decided to end because bored and unsatisfied (too young to just stay settled with just one girl). He wanted to move on and just have a lot of fun with girls, playing around. Instead he met me. We start to date and hang out. I fall in love, He still has HER in his mind and heart. Resistance is what he gives back to me. I don't know anything of this. He does not tell me until I find out a "marital status" that SHOCKED and HURT me. it was 2 years of our relationship when I discovered it and amongst apologies and clarifications i decide to go back to him. I was completely devoted and mad about him.We kept on dating, hanging out.No commitment from him. Other girls along the way Distract him and take his focus on me Away. I discover these other girls and forgave him again every single time (4). It is 7 years in JANUARY that we are together now. He still has serious issues and demons that he has not resolved yet. His ex wife is STILL in his mind and heart. He strongly feels guilty of having ruined her life. He just cannot move on and commit to anybody else so does she. They are hanging in there without even talking or seeing each other except for some random times. I told him to go back and talk to her to straighten things up and finally forget about this feeling of guilt forever. They might even discover to still love each other and that their happiness is only together. IT is the hardest thing in my life but I really really really LOVE this man more than anything else in the world and HIS happiness is what mostly matters to me. We talked last night. He is a unhappy and troubled person. He dislikes his new job, he is not happy where he lives right now, he does not want to be alone. He wants a GIRLFRIEND that's what he says. A girlfriend means someone who lives in his same city /someone he can just hang out with, go to the movies together, etc. He lives in a different country than mine and even if I LOVE HIM more than anything else I MUST respect myself - I cannot quit EVERYTHING just to be his "neighbor". Im 30 years old and he is 35 - we are grown up people and it is not time to play around anymore I guess. He says he is scared of me bc with me it is ALL OR NOTHING. But yes of course I am a girl completely in LOVE with him and I want to marry him, make a family and live together for the rest of my life. OK he is not ready? I would be willing to not marry and still remain by his side BUT it at least requires commitment from him after all this time. It requires him to say "i want you in my life. i dont want anybody else" that would be enough for me to quit everything and go live with him. Is it too much? His feelings are not as strong as mine -I know that. The intensity is different. I am in the most hurtful and confused moment of my life.Last night He asked me"what would you say if I gave HER (exwife) a kid? I guess I would feel better like I give her back something that I took away a long time ago". I WAS SHOCKED AND SAD AND HURT AND I WANTED TO SCREAM BUT I DID NOT DO ANYTHING OF THIS. I only told him that A KID will NOT change anything -will NOT make things better - He will still have this feeling of guilt for her and a kid might only make it worse. Obviously I feel really bad and I AM TIRED -Idont know what to do what to think.I have always put HIM ahead of everything,everyone and ahead of me too sometimes. It is not good I know but NOW I am just tired.HE Is unhappy and It kills me.I would love to see him happy and satisfied. he is depressed and i cannot help it. I suggested him to go get PRO HELP bc I really think that it might helpful. Also suggested him to look for help and support and peace from GOD but it seems like he has other priorities coming first.IDONT KNOW Why I am writing to you ...probably just to vent and open up.It will be easy for people to say "MOVE ON GIRL" .. But it is not this easy. i still see SOMETHING beautiful in our relationship. I cannot see ANY OTHER MAN next to me. I am an outgoing person who goes out w/friends but I compare EVERY SINGLE PERSON to him and the result is EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST SO INSIGNIFICANT.It is hard but I am also seeing some pro help myself /hopefully it will help me through.THANKS ALL for the time you spent reading this.
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depressed, ex-wife, his ex, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Hi, I'm happy to hear that you're getting help for yourself. This is no way to live, right? I found a link for you to a similar question and in particular, I want you to read the advice from baby_duck. She has such good advice for people in your situation:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-cheated-on-me-all-through-our-seven.html
You might read back through her other answers as well; she has a good way of saying that it's up to you to change the way you approach the problems in your life.
I wish you well.
A
female
reader, sadcupid +, writes (11 November 2009):
sadcupid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI read the posts and agree with all of you. I agree with the fact that I need to get some pro help and I am doing it. At the end of the day HE showed his real Side, after cheating, admitting his thoughts about his ex, resisting the commitment, showing doubts on his feelings for me.......BUT I AM THE ONE WHO STICKED AROUND!?!?!?! And still does???????? Why? This is what I want to understand and I hope I will get the answers to my million questions through this path I started with the counselor. I am surprised because I have had ANY HUGE PROBLEMS in my life. I mean I really had a beautiful childhood, beautiful family, never had NO trauma or anything that might have been the cause of insecurity/low self-esteem.
I hope I can find out myself again and be happy one day. Thanks for your support.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 November 2009):
He's not special and he's nowhere near the one! He's cheated on you four times, and you're thinking he will change. He won't. Get away from this guy and find someone who does love you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009): His behaviour is unnapropriate toward you in many acpects, I don't even know where to start. He is w/you only because you are allowing him to do whatever he wants. You really need to stop doing it, he is using you as a door mat.You are the one who needs help, really. Ask yourself why are you in such an unhealthy relationship. Don't you want to have a man who treats you like you are the only one, don't you want to have a family, kids? What exactly do you find beatifull in this relationship??
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 November 2009):
Wow. Wowee wow wow. You've clung to hope he's going to change for seven years. He's been troubled, hung up on his ex, doesn't live in the same country even and has made no moves to make you anything more than what you are now, but you can't let go?
My dear, YOU are the one who is hung up on a fantasy. Yes, he's got this thing for his ex, but you've got a thing for a man who has demonstrated by word AND deed that he's just not that into you. He's cheated 4 times, that you know of, and have forgiven him every time. So what has he learned about you? That you will forgive him no matter how badly he treats you. That you don't have enough self-respect to refuse to be treated like a part-time girlfriend.
He lied to you from the get-go, from the very start, for TWO YEARS????? And you still hung on? You are a glutton for punishment. Do you think so little of yourself that you will allow a man to lie to you, to cheat on you, to refuse to commit to you, for SEVEN years? While life goes on around you, people meet, fall in love, marry and have children who start school in the time you've been waiting for this guy?
'It requires him to say "i want you in my life. i dont want anybody else" that would be enough for me to quit everything and go live with him. Is it too much?' Yes, apparently it is too much. When will you wake up and realize that you're spending time building a fantasy life with him, that life is passing you by, that you are hung up on something that will never ever give you what you expect in love?
I feel sorry for you. You are missing out on life, on meeting men who live nearby, who ARE available, who DON'T lie, who DON'T cheat, who have it within them to make a commitment to you. You're spending your life in this rather miserable romantic fog--hoping that something will materialize that is good. From a man who lies, cheats and withholds love from you.
Wake up, please, before you're 50 and your dating pool has shrunk to the size of a mud puddle. I wish you mental strength and clarity of vision. Good luck.
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