A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I got back with my ex who promised he would like to have a serious relationship with me and would not mess with other gals again.My rule is he can have his friends but he can't cheat - just be honest and he is free to go. Don't let me be an intruder in a romantic relationship with more than 2 persons.I've got no solid confidence yet but suspect that he is still close with some of his flings. Yes, i read his facebook and knows that he and his flings will go on some entertainment events together. I am particularly unhappy with one of the girls who actually i know had an affair with him and this made me leave him before.Should i be direct and ask him? Suspicion kills me!Thanks.
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affair, confidence, facebook, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Honeypie. No, i didn't blame his past or deny his biological needs. I just feel sad. I am sad because of my blindness and his disrespect. Thank you for listening.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 August 2016):
 Don't beat yourself up.
You didn't MAKE him cheat. And you didn't judge him for his past. NOTHING wrong in that.
Now you know. A guy who hasn't really dealt with issues from his past doesn't make a good partner.
Let it go. And let him go. He isn't worth your time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI need to love myself more. He admitted that he has got 7 girls already when i asked him. He said he could only like his partners and love is too remote. I understand he could have been hurt too deeply in his first marriage. Though he said he feels connected to me (in fact i feel so too, mainly because of our intellectual conversations and career progress), i think he is too sexually active who mentioned that he needs to be satisfied twice a day ideally (i try to avoid the word promiscuous). I feel sad that i was in love with a man whom i can't love. I was not happy that he lied to me that he was looking for something serious when he asked me to be back with him. I am even more unhappy with myself that i trusted him and let him have my virginity. I feel extremely shamful when i write now but i really need to vent in a place where nobody really knows my identity.That's all my bad. I hate my stupidity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2016): Never go against common-sense. You put yourself through a lot of unnecessary pain and frustration. He is dancing all around your questions and letting you know he isn't changing a thing; and he really doesn't seem to care what you think about it.
I don't know what it is you can't resist; but you seem to be in denial and refusing to accept the reality of the situation. He is a player, he will play on your emotions; as players do. You'll just cling to him, giving him whatever he wants when he wants it; while he's playing you for a fool.
Work on your self-esteem my dear. Being addicted to an ex; and allowing yourself to be played by men is a weakness. Dump him and move on. You can't talk him into being what he's not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice.I couldn't help but text to ask him directly about his relationship with a woman who's his closest fling whom i know. He said he indeed had a not-to-ask and not-to-tell sexual relationship with her but then they broke up and are now truely platonic friends. He also mentioned he still values the friendship with this woman after some awkward discussions. I said it's difficult for me to ask and it's also difficult for him to answer this question. He said he understood i care because of my vested benefit as a female. I replied it's more about mutuality and happiness of all of us, esp. when we are all good on our own. I admit that i could be fuzzy and over-worrying. But i am a direct person who speak my thoughts. He just said he respects my guts approach but it's a difficult path to follow when i said i hope he could let me know what he thinks, too. He didn't say much afterwards.Yea, we are quite different in terms of value and hobbies. But i am attracted to him because of his charisma - maybe he does good sports and IT stuff in which i am weak.Honestly, i also tend to believe we shouldn't have got back together but i simply couldn't resist.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2016): Just give it up. Give up any hope that this man wants to win you back - if he was truly sorry for cheating he would cut contact with the person he cheated on you with. Save yourself future pain and heartache and get out of that relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2016): Why did you restart a relationship with an ex? Why are you with someone you don't trust? Exactly what was the point in getting back with him in the first place, if you've got to compete with Lottie, Dottie, and everybody?
Recycling exes is a sign of defeat. You've given-up, because you don't trust yourself to find anybody else. You're back into the same old routine. Holding vigilance and snooping around.
Tell me, what kind of relationship is that?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 July 2016):
What you have to decide if THIS guy is someone you can see yourself with long term, THAT would include whatever friends HE may have.
I think if you have suspicions and doubts ALREADY (or rather again) then maybe HE isn't worth trying a relationship with AGAIN.
For the most part I don't see a problem with a guy having female friends, but... hanging around former lovers? Not my cup of tea. I'd say pass and move on to a guy who is a better match when it comes to values and boundaries.
You have to decide how YOU feel about it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 July 2016):
 The thing is he has cheated on you before so it will be hard to trust him again after that. He has promised you that he won't mess around with other girls, but he is still going to events with a girl he cheated on you with? I am sorry sweetie, but it sounds like this guy has no respect for you at all. If he really wanted to change and wanted to make you feel secure in the relationship he would have stopped talking to the other girls and concentrated on making things better with you. Sorry to say this guy sounds like a player and I am sure you can do much better than that.
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