A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I am in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year now, and things are going pretty well. We get along quite well, laugh a lot, and have many things in common. We see there is a future for us. I must say that sex life is rather dull though (1-2 times a week, since both of us are very busy). The first few months, however, things did not go so well (although sex life was better). I hadn't been in a relationship for a long time, and I felt insecure and uncomfortable, whereas she had already lots of experience and knew exactly what she was looking for(dated many men). She prefers older men, with lots of experience in life. She needs someone to guide her, inspire her. Although she is really sweet and has been treating me with lots of love, warm affection and care, there is one thing that I have been uncomfortable with, since the beginning.There is one guy (married, son) at work (my girlfriend and me work in the same building) that I have been suspecting she had a crush on, since the beginning. She openly admired him (by complimenting) and sometimes, she touched him, during conversations, especially if he made her laugh. I could see, she was charmed by him, very much. They often had to work on some experiment, in a small room, with a closed door, so I couldn't see what was going on, but I strongly suspected personal converstations and what not. She really went quite far in her friendship, in a very short time. For instance, she offered him to help his son, who has ADHD and trouble with social life. A big offer, considering that it's a very personal family issue and she hardly knew his son and his wife. I felt it was unappropriate to interfere in a family issue so quickly, although it was perhaps well meant. She told me that, because she hardly had any friends (she still hasn't), she appreciated his friendship and help (he was her colleague too and helped her with stuff) and wanted to do something back. She can be rather extreme with these things (loves or hates). My girlfriend is a very goodhearted and caring person, that would not easily hurt someone. I love her very much too. However, if she had a big crush..... She is an insecure person (24) that looks for older men and he was exactly the kind of guy she was looking for (with exactlty the kind of personality). I was merely a refreshment at the time, being much younger. She had many different relationships before me. I was rather surprised she even hooked up with me, although things really grew between us. I don't know. I have a very very strong gutfeeling that something went on between the two. One of the reasons it bugs me is that the guy happens to be one of my best friends. Cheating on my best friend would be the last thing I ever expect my girlfriend to do. She also grew up in a very religious environment, with strong moral values, although, sexually, very liberal. Any light on this? Should I bring this up with my girlfriend, or should I leave it for what it is. I do not think she will walk away from me that easily, as we have invested already quite a bit in our relationship and planned many things. Exactly because of this, I want to know with what kind of person I am really dealing with. And even if something did indeed happen between them (even if it's just a kiss), is it forgiveable? She is a person with lots of regret and guilt. Frankly, I would not want her to feel even more guilty, especially if only a small thing happened (if she would tell me the truth).One time, I deliberately engaged in a converation with her about cheating (the thing was really hot at the time and she knew I was suspecting her of something). She was very quiet during that conversation and looked at me, with kind of quilty eyes. She burst into tears afterwards, but she told me it was because she "generally" put too much pressure one me (with distraction from work, etc) and she said that "from now on, I will do it right". For whatever it meant at the time.....Thanks a lot for reading
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at work, best friend, crush, engaged, insecure, older men, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (13 April 2009):
It sounds like she may have a crush on him but if he's married then she knows nothing will ever every happen in a physical way.
However she may be getting a bit too close to him emotionally.
I think you need to sort this out. I bet you backed off last time as soon as she started crying. This time, I know it's hard but you have to be stronger.
Tell her you need to know if there is anything between them, and whether she has feelings for him more than she should. Don't let her cry and not answer, tell her you need to know one way or the other so you can work it out but you need her to be honest. Stay calm and hold her, she has to know that if she admits a crush you aren't going to scream and smash things.
One last and VERY important thing to do BEFORE you ask her.... figure out what you are going to do once she tells you.
If she says they are just friends and very close and nothing more, are you going to be able to start trusting her and forgetting this? Or will you ask her to try and not be as close?
If she says she has feelings for him... then what? Will you want to split up? Will you want to carry on and try and forget it if she cuts contact with him?
Get your feelings straight and then talk to her.
Good Luck!! xx
A
male
reader, SquidVonLipwig +, writes (13 April 2009):
 You should flat out ask her if a/ she's cheated on you with anyone and b/ what exactly she feels for this guy.The chances are she won't be totally honest with you, but it's better to talk things out than bottle them up inside, because you may not get the chance to talk about it a few months down the line if it's "forgotten" about.The alternative is to simply try to forget about it. If you trust the girl, then there's no need to be panicky about this. Trust is either a yes or a no, and if it's a yes then say nothing.No form of cheating should be forgivable. She will probably do it again if she's done it once.
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