A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m a single mum with a toddler and after over two years of being single i decided last week to put myself back out there. I’m bisexual and while on a dating site I started talking to a girl who I like. My problem is that I’m nervous about getting too involved if things aren’t going to work. We’ve spoken a bit online but haven’t met in person and we have a few interests in common but I’m worried about the age gap and a few other things. She’s 18 and I’m 25 and I usually tend to like older women. What if she’s not ready to handle dating a mum? Would someone that young be okay with dating someone who has to put someone else before them? I’m also worried about where we are in our lives. I have a full time job and have my own house while she’s an arts student at college and is in a band. I really like her but I’m worried that my life would be too much for her. She’s still enjoying ‘being young’ while I’m someone’s mum. Am I overthinking all of this? Are there 18 year olds who would be ready for that? I think that I would’ve been when I was but I don’t know Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 January 2019):
 EDIT:
I wrote:"your child should be involved until ... "
Should OF COURSE have been:
"your child shouldn't be involved until ...."
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2019): I think the fact of your bi-sexuality and the face that you are both the same gender is obscuring the age difference issue somewhat, and also, possibly, your naivety about how the art world works. Imagine if you were a straight, 25 year old woman considering dating an 18 year old guy. I think you'd get some strong emails about that. Imagine also if this free spirited young woman was not an artist, but something like an accountant. I think you'd feel very differently.I guess I say this because I'm a single mum and, following a very early divorce, was exactly your age when I started seeing someone 5.5 years younger, though he was male and I'm heterosexual.I hated the fact that he was younger - though at the time I didn't know why, it just never felt right, and I did receive loads of comments about him being a 'toy boy'. Later, I realised it was not so much his age, but the fact that he never came out of 'child' mode and I never felt protected; but because I'd never experienced protection from a man, I couldn't put my finger on what was missing.What I found was that, on the one hand, I was probably 'catching up' with a stage I'd missed, that was to do with fun - I'd never had a boyfriend until I met my ex-husband, who was 10 years older, extremely uptight and rigid in his ways - and I'd been very lonely as a teenager and young adult, from a very cold, rigid family who didn't understand me at all.The difference with my ex boyfriend was that we were both art students when we met, but I was also a single mum by that stage, already divorcing my stern husband. What I can say about the art student lifetstyle is that is was (though maybe not so much now) 'wild' and relatively free thinking compared with any other walk of life. Now I'm a lecturer, I know how much art colleges have changed, and I would say students are much more conforming than they used to be, simply because the whole art scene has changed; in a way it's become so interwoven with capitalism that there's very little freedom in it anymore, unless you want to be a commercial artist.So, I can completely imagine that, on the one hand, this young woman could represent to you a lot of freedom and openness to possibility that you have not experienced in your own life. But, if you scratch under the surface, you will probably find a huge amount of neediness, including financial and including for stability. You could have some fantastic fun with her; she is young, seemingly 'free-spirited' and everything that you presumably think you are not, or feel locked out of.On the other hand, you will be a very strong woman already, even at 25 and she will probably be drawn to that and flattered by your attention. 99.9% of artists are complete narcissists, so flattery will get you everywhere, I can guarantee it.But bear in mind that, whilst they may be intellectually and creatively daring and brave, this is very limited in terms of how it impacts on their ability to cope with real life mundane stuff. I learned is that the vast majority of art students are NOT strong people. Most are pampered rich kids with middle class problems. If they're not, they are often desperate for any form of financial support or will get involved with anyone who can help to promote them and their interests. Years of being involved in this world has taught me that artists tend to survive by learning very young to get stronger people 'on board' and they then 'use' them. Everyone in life does this up to a point, but with artists it can become very, very extreme, almost an art form in itself. It might not feel like being used, because the fun that comes with it, the charm that they exert, the 'other-worldliness' that they seem to have, will all feel amazing to experience and can become highly addictive. But I can tell you 100% - and I've worked in many different industries now, always combining my own art practice and motherhood - that the art industry is THE most ruthless and exploitative that there is. The personal politics that go with it, the ducking and diving and manipulation involved are very extreme and ruthless, under the sheen of free thinking liberal and passionate living.I have learned how to stay on the margins of this world and still make the kind of work I want to make and to lecture, because I simply cannot cope with the amount of manipulation that goes on amongst artists. I've seen it all - and it doesn't matter what gender or what sex or what ages are involved - I've seen young male artists completely hoodwink high achieving but lonely female lawyers, I've seen bisexual artists sleep with anyone and everyone until they find the best financial backer who will require the least commitment from them. With my ex-boyfriend, it took me years to see that he was bleeding me dry on every level, beginning by stealing my working methods and laughing about it when I objected. He could literally charm the birds off the trees and his only real talent is in being a complete 'people person'. He is a very 'successful' artist now, but I've chosen to opt for different kinds of values and different frameworks for success. I don't want anything to do with the part of the art world that he inhabits. I basically fell into mothering him without realising it, not feeling I could ask anything of him and putting up with terrible behaviour, because he also provided fun and spontaneity that I felt utterly deprived of. And because I was also an artist, I provided him with fantastic input, ideas, huge amounts of fun and ego boosting - but I somehow never saw that this was me, I only thought he could provide those things. I saw through it in time to get out, but it can be a very heady mix and I sense that you are on the verge of what will be a very strong addiction. You will, inevitably, end up mothering this up and coming art student. She will rely on your stability and your financial and domestic situations but could well move on. If that is a role that you want, then take it - she may be more mature than you think and may well take what she can get and then cut your loose. The risk is yours to take.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 January 2019):
I am not sure, and neither are you so why not MEET her and have a talk? That way you can gauge for yourself just how "mature" or immature she seems.
As for your child. No matter WHO you choose to date (or their age) your child should be involved until you have been dating them a GOOD long while and there is some stability in the relationship. Doesn't mean the partner shouldn't know OF the child but I would leave the spending time together as a "family of sorts" should be held off on for a GOOD 9-12 months. FOR the kid's sake. IMHO.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2019): What have you got to lose to just meet up and see how it goes?
I can see your concerns but she does have a choice and can make her own decisions. My friend is dating a woman a few years younger than her, I say dating they are very committed for many years and have both raised her daughter between them.
Tread wisely yes and be honest with yourself if you do meet her, just see how it goes...
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 January 2019):
 Different life stages. You need someone who has potential for a future sometime soon, but she’s only just beginning adulthood and should be able to explore life freely while she’s young. I think it would be best to be friends, not date her. She’s still got a bit of maturing to do before getting into a proper adult relationship with responsibilities and it would be good for you to find a “grown up” to date.
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