A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been living with my 50 yo boyfriend for about 5 years and lately he keeps mentioning how much better things would be(financially mostly) if we moved into his parents house in the basement where he used to live when I met him 7 yrs ago. The reason I am not crazy about the idea and I said no 5 years ago is because its his parents house and don't know how to treat the downstairs tenant as a neighbor who is paying money to live there and have their own place. They go on with their day as if nobody lives there and start vacuuming and making noise at 8am.....they open your parcels if the mailman delivers them to the front door by mistake instead of the side door even if they are addressed to you....they walk around the house and peep in through the windows to see whats going on( my bf's sister in law told me this from when she used to live their with their youngest son) they mostly want someone down there for their own entertainment(they like coming down whenever bored to chip chat and ask to have coffee without asking first if you are busy or sleeping) The list could go on but its not just that its also bc I don't like how unindependent my boyfriend is....he is almost 50 and instead of dreaming to have his own place and start a life with me he's stuck on longing to be under his mama's skirt!! Yes we could save for a down payment a lot faster if we lived there but is it worth it and should I even commit to buying a place together with this man(I am with him because he has a beautiful soul and I like the way he treats me and because I want to show him a better life than what he's had so far) Thank you all so much!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your time and advise!!
I hope I did not come off as resistant......some stuff was hard to hear because its true. If anything I was perhaps a bit detached and factual because I want to protect myself from being hurt and it looks like you may all be right...the only way I won't get hurt is if I mind my own business, take care of my own finances and save money for myself to set myself up with the type of future I want and if he wants to go back to his parents like a little boy then bye bye, if he stays with me, my money is mine, his is his and that's that!! Such is life I suppose!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2019): Typo correction:
"You're too thrifty and budget-conscious."
P.S.
In reading your replies and rebuttals; you seem slightly resistant to the advice you're receiving. Take what you read under advisement; and perhaps the seeds we've sown will bear fruit in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2019): Save your money for yourself and investing in your retirement. You can't count on a man who gets himself into enormous debt; and here you are trying to teach someone in their late 40's how to budget. Your life for the last five-years is focused primarily on paying-off his debt.
It's not in him to be money wise; and he regresses back to childishness when adult-life becomes too much of a challenge. You are trying to force him to stay fiscally-responsible. He's tiring of the disciplined and focused life you're pursuing; so he wants to go home, and live with his parents where he can be their man-child. They'll probably assume the remainder of his debt, and he'll find a way to get himself into more. You won't let him, but you're not his mother. He may as well have his real mum; who encourages him to do as he likes to please himself.
This is simply another situation where one partner is trying to change the other. When seeking a mate, the point is not to change them; they're supposed to have the character and attributes you want and need already. Five years in, and it seems not much progress has been made. You say you don't want a wedding; that you even declined his marriage-proposal long ago. The past five years is what married-life would be like with him; so here you are, seeking advice on DC. Your efforts to change him have not succeeded; and you've seen little change. He only submits to your plans to keep the peace; but if he had his own way, he'd be wildly spending his money. He'd rather be in debt for frivolous things; not a mortgage that reminds him how much under your control he'd be. You'd raise the roof, if he spent money on something you considered unnecessary. He's exhausted, and wants to move home to change the atmosphere and loosen your grip.
As previously advised, let him move home with his parents and get the remaining 10K in debt paid-in-full. Meanwhile, sure-up your retirement; and buy whatever property you want in your own name. He's too old to change, and he's yearning to be back home with his folks; because they don't place the demands on him that you do.
They will take care of him; and he's hoping in-time he'll inherit their home. I will venture to speculate; he doesn't want to buy a home with you. You're too thrifty and budge-conscious. He likes to spend money he doesn't have; and my guess is, what he wants to do isn't the same as what you want.
Try and see things through logic; and follow where the facts and clues lead you. Your emotions make you dismissive of many details/red-flags that are telling you that marriage with this guy will be a mountain of debt. His mama's advice and decisions will ultimately supersede yours. He needs her in his life as a buffer and a means of escape from reality; because you're too disciplined to let him do with money as he pleases.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 May 2019):
 So you are smart when it comes to money and probably already know that buying a house with him (married or not) is perhaps not that financially safe?
Living with his parents might help save more money, but what you often see as well is that when people have few (or lower bills) they OD then to spend a bit more than before. Maybe in smaller increments but they usually do not save up the whole amount that the SAVE by down sizing or (like your BF suggest) move in with his folks.
And honestly? at 50, I think he OUGHT to manage saving up on his own without taking advantage of his parents (even if they gladly have him). I just don't see moving in with your parent at 50 is OK (unless they need help themselves and it's short term or part of your culture to live with parents/in-laws).
My husband and 3 kids living with my BIL (3 months) while looking for a place of our own and honestly? It was a nightmare. Not because there is anything wrong with my BIL or his kids/grand kids (who all lived there too) but simply because I'm way to independent to want to have no privacy or live in a house that just went by totally different rules, and where they ALL (BIL, his daughter and grand daughter) that I somehow should now do everything for everyone. Just not... lol
So when my husband suggested we BUY a house together with my BIL, I said no. I rather RENT than live in a house that doesn't feel like MY own home.
Even IF we could get a bigger house by combining monies, and lower our expenditures a tad... I just didn't see it as a possibility. And now, I'm GLAD we didn't.
By I digress.
YOU have to decide if there IS a kind of future for you two that YOU can see working out or not, and then act accordingly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes his mom is probably just being protective given his history with money and women using him(he also went into 20k debt in his 20's when he first moved out and his parents pay it off. Yes I did help him......I helped him budget and I loaned him 10k( which he paid me back) so he can move debt from one high interest CC onto a lower interest one and I have been teaching him my setting a good example with how I manage my own finances:)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 May 2019):
If I were you, I'd save and buy MYSELF a place that was 100% mine.
Now IF you DO get married, you don't HAVE to agree to a prenup but he could always leave his half to his brother in a will, and while you still might bet SOME of the value (as a legal spouse, it all depends on your countries laws when it comes to inheritance.
My guess is his mother isn't "entirely" mean. If she has watched him go into massive debt because another woman took advantage, she want to try and prevent that. Even though he is a GROWN man and should be capable of managing his finances, he might not BE that good at it. Did you also help him work out how he could pay off that debt? (not by giving him money by advice and budgeting help)?
You also have to consider what is realistic. What is affordable? For you alone.
I think you were VERY smart to not marry him while he was in that big of a debt. That could have been disastrous for you. His mom might not have a clue of just how far in debt he was, thus thinking YOU think you are "too good" to marry him, if you get my meaning. Which is why she is "protective" of his income.
Even if you decide to NOT buy a house, saving is ALWAYS good. And keeping finances separate from someone who has show poor judgement before is always prudent too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYES of course he pays for half of everything.....I've already let one loser sponge off of me I'm not making THAT mistake again so yes if he can pay off his debt that means he can also afford to save for a down payment(might be faster if we lived in his mom's basement because the rent there would be much lower) but yes I think its just an excuse to trick me into moving there
His mom is smart yes but also selfish and mean in my opinion....why does she care what he does with HIS money(he wouldn't be buying something with family money!!)what kind of man doesn't want to leave his wife(or common law wife) with a place to live after he dies? Honeypie you are right....even IF we get married and IF we buy a place I would have to sell and risk being priced out of the market, thus be homeless if he died and I wouldn't even qualify for government housing because I would have half a condo's worth of money in the bank........SOOOOO should I even continue to save money to buy a place with him or should I just stay as is and save money for myself to buy something??
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 May 2019):
So HE has been able to pay off 70K BY living with you! Wow! Did he contribute to the household?
And if he could pay of 70K, he can SAVE up plenty of money without living with his parents. THAT is obvious, so like my first guess... he mentions "saving up for a house" to ENTICE you to thinking that living with his parents will help you both to buy a house together.
His mom is smart. She is not looking out for you at all. So even IF he moved home and saved up, 1/2 the house would GO to HIS brother in the event of his demise. Married or not. Which means... even IF you two bought a house together... you would end up HAVING to sell it if he passed before you. Back to square one for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are not married because when I met him he asked me to marry him about 4-5 months after meeting me but he was 80k in debt(his previous relationships let him pay for everything without helping him at all)and I told him that he needed to pay that off before I would even consider(he has almost paid it off now that he's been living with me....he only has 10k of debt left) and because I also told him I would get married again but I would NOT have a wedding again( my previous marriage ended badly and left me kind of traumatized...plus I think weddings are for young people or rich people...)to which his mother told him to just stay as is and not worry about marrying me!! OH also she also told him that if he buys his own place he should make me sign a prenup that states that should he die the place goes to his younger brother not to me!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2019): I've mostly found that 'beautiful soul' type people usually have that soul funded by someone else's money or effort. Sorry to sound cynical, but they have a childlike approach but can also be quite expert in being charming so that they get things like free accommodation, few responsibilities, things paid for. A lot of people get this drilled out of them through adult life, work, stress etc. These ones find ways to avoid that and let others do the work for them.
Or there's already family money or wealth in the background, that they know on a deeper level they can always turn to.
I think a beautiful soul is an unremarkable, hard working, sometimes grumpy, responsible person with no need to charm others but just gets on with things.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2019): You are two mature people in your fifties why aren't you married. Do you have doubts about being together long term?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2019): Moving back home in your 40s is not doable. It's taking advantage of his folks to save himself money. If you claim he's a mama's-boy; she'll have full reign of your living area and just pop-in whenever she likes to see "sonny." It would be like you're invisible; and your privacy will be nullified, because you're in their house.
I'm not going to offer my usually long commentary. You two are old enough to know better. Stay put, and save your money. If he wants to move back home with his parents; let him do it solo. They'll drive you nuts, and you'll be ready to move-out within just a couple of weeks. His sister-in-law's warning should have been enough. You know the deal. Not to mention you'll have to displace their present tenant.
My speculation is he has no ambition of buying a house with you. He doesn't want to live like real married-people. Your five-year relationship may be drawing to a close, as far as he's concerned. He wants to go home to mama! That's one way to drive you out of his life!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe current tenant downstairs is an attractive female yes( she would have to move out if my bf and I would move there obviously) They are NOT perverts.....they like to find gossip......its about feeling in control bc it is their house and want to know everything that is going on and its because they are uneducated simple people with no hobbies so they get bored with their own lives and LOVE to stick their nose in other people's lives and business:))
I have never lived there, I know all this from spending weekends there before my bf and I moved in together and from stories my bf's sister in law told me from her time living there..
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe current tenant downstairs is an attractive female yes( she would have to move out if my bf and I would move there obviously) They are NOT perverts.....they like to find gossip......its about feeling in control bc it is their house and want to know everything that is going on and its because they are uneducated simple people with no hobbies so they get bored with their own lives and LOVE to stick their nose in other people's lives and business:))
I have never lived there, I know all this from spending weekends there before my bf and I moved in together and from stories my bf's sister in law told me from her time living there!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2019): Hi OP. Curious. Is the downstairs tenant female? And, if so, is she attractive?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 May 2019):
 Well, you have been with him 5 years and you had all the time you could want to show him a better life , - so either you did not show him a better life, or you did but it didnìt " rake ", or, quite simply, he is not interested in a better life, he likes just fine living in his parents' basement like some 20 y.o. college dropout. To each his own, though- and since, quite probably, what he is really longing for is, as you realized yoirself, to be under his mama's skirt- well, then let him. If that's the way he is the most happy in his life… you know, I doubt that someone who never craved for independence , self-realization and privacy will start all of a sudden caring for these things magically once he hits 50 …
I have to agree with Honeypie, you don't need to follow him in his chosen accomodation if instead you DO care about Independence and privacy; you can just keep dating if, and until when, the attraction to his beautiful soul warrants keeping the relationship alive with a man-child type of guy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 May 2019):
I'd tell him:" no, thanks. We tried living in your parents basement before and it didn't feel like our home."
Now if HE wants to move back in there, I'd say let him. But find yourself an affordable place on your own.
Does it mean you can't still see each other? No, but if you have been together for 5 years without having managed to save much of anything, do you really think it would be a short term solution living with them? I think HE just wants to be close to his parents tbh.
I think he is using the notion that you two can save up money for a house, to entice you to move in with his parents and him. If he seems to have no real goal of buying his own house then that isn't going to change.
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