A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a big problem. I snooped in my bf's facebook, as i know his password e.t.c, and i saw some chat boxes come up saying the names of some girls that we have argued over before. when i clicked on the boxes, there wasnt any text there, but i'm not sure if the text disappears after you log out then log back in again. i said i had a feeling he had been talking to them, and he got mad and said he hadnt. He has figured out that i snooped, and i have kept denying it. he keeps telling me to tell the truth, as its worse if i lie, but i'm worried about telling him the truth. The thing is though, he should tell me the truth too if he has been talking to them, if i have to tell him too. Should i tell him or just keep denying it ?.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (20 February 2011):
 i'm not sure about this coz i don't have facebook but could a blank text box mean he has deleted what has been said? i will say to you the same thing that i have just posted to someone else: the issue is not facebook and who he has removed, the issue is your broken trust. he has got you snooping around like a spy, and like i said to her - your relationship should make you feel relaxed and secure, it should hold and support you and give you comfort, NOT have you on 'red alert' like this. this guy seems to tell you silly lies anyway (telling you his mum divorced his dad for snooping on facebook, telling you he had not even spoken to the girl in another country) if you think he is nice and he treats you nice then stay with him, BUT you are missing a key ingredient to happiness and confidence, and that is TRUST
best wishes
xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): i'm not sure if i made this clear, but he said all of those things to those women when we werent together, and he hasnt said anything like that since we have been together. well, not in his private messages anyway. but i was concerned that those chat boxes came up with the names of two of those girls. its just a shame that there was no text in them when i logged in.i am concerned though that he has only just removed those women from his facebook, when he could have done that ages ago. he has known for a long time that those women bother me. they still bothered me even though the private messages, comments on their pages, e.t.c, were from two years ago at the earliest, and some further back than that. we werent together much back then, but some of the time, he was still asking me back. i saw the comments at the time that he wrote them, and first saw the private messages last year. i've snooped a few times since then. i didnt have any reason to be concerned about anything happening recently until he added the girl who lives in another country and he wrote to her asking how she was. he lied to me at the time he wrote to her, saying that he hadnt spoken to her at all. obviously, now, he knows that i know that he did write to her, and he said he didnt tell me the truth because i would have gone mad at him, even though it was only a friendly message. and then of course, i was concerned when those chat boxes came up. sorry if this is all sounding confusing !.he is so kind and considerate in other ways, which is why it is hard for me to end it for good. i'll keep you all posted on what happens from now on.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 February 2011):
he is too much of a flirt. i don't know how long you have been together and/or how serious he is about you. the fact that it bothers you so much is enough. not all men are like this so don't let anyone tell you otherwise. yes its fine to have friends of the opposite sex, but the stuff he has said to these girls crosses a line doesn't it? think of it this way... if a male friend of his had split with his girl and updated his facebook status to 'single' do you think your boyfriend would bother to get into a conversation with him about his mates feelings and ask if he was ok?? he should be treating a girl the same, if she is 'just a mate'. it sounds to me like your BF likes to swoop in on vulnerable single, hurt women, like a vulture.
he is messing with your head. it is fine to say that he has cut these women loose now, but are you happy? do you believe him? or could there be a possibility that he will just be more careful next time now that he knows you are onto him? also do you trust him to not get involved with others?
i do not like saying these things to you, i know it hurts and wrecks your head to be in this sort of situation coz i have been there. i just think he has not got a lot of respect for your relationship the way he jeopardises it this way
xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): Please, please cut this a-hole loose. He is OBVIOUSLY not a good guy. If you stay with him tell him that you are going to do the same thing he is doing. If this upsets him than you know the truth.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): another update. he has removed those four girls from his friends list !. we are going to meet soon to talk things over, so i'm hoping we can make a fresh start.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): hi. well i'll tell you about some of the things he had done. he once asked one of the girls if she wanted some tlc from him, as she was upset, and once asked another girl if she was ok as her relationship status had changed from in a relationship to single. he also joked about being a " bad influence " on one of the girls, and once, she was saying that she had been " bad " and he commented saying " so when are you coming round to my place again then ? " and put this :p sign. He said that to her when we werent together though. he also sent a rude application to one fo the girls once, which had a double meaning. i think that it might make me look like a fool though if he flirts with them, as they know he is with me, as it says that he is in a relationship with me on there.The thing is, he has said that he thinks it is still ok for him to flirt with women on there, as they would know that he is only joking, and that he doesnt have other intentions. i dont really agree that that's a good thing to do, and i dont think he would like it if i did that. he also said that he only wants to be friends with them now, even though he used to fancy them, and he said he wouldnt say anything untoward to them. i think there's a fine line though between joking and taking things too far. i also think that that could be like having an emotional affair.he said he still wants to be with me but said we need to talk things over, and he said i have to work really hard to make up for what i did.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (17 February 2011):
hi
his mum divorced his dad just for snooping on her facebook?? i find that very hard to believe. if this is the truth then i think his mum is mentally deranged, i am betting though that your boyfriend is just saying it to scare you and make you think that what you have done is really serious.
you might as well fess up to this, he knows anyway. it will be a good thing because it can hopefully open a discussion about the way you feel and the reasons for your insecurity, if you are willing to admit to this though i think you should expect honesty from him. it is only fair
xx
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A
female
reader, KittenPaws +, writes (17 February 2011):
Hmm, I think the actual 'facebook snooping' reference is really just a symptom here.
The actual issues were;
-He was talking to other girls behind your back and lying to you about it.
-You didn't trust him.
-You went behind his back to back to get the truth. (How else were you gonna get the truth at that point anyway?)
-He then sensed when you then knew the truth and guessed that you would have to have snooped to know what he was up to.
-Then you lied.
-Then he got angry and pushed for the truth... made analogies back to is parents' divorce...
And, wait- wtf? He was talking to other girls on there, and you only looked once?? You didn't even read anything between them.
I really don't believe that his parents got divorced because his dad once checked his mum's facebook once (presumably knowing that he was being lied to as in your case) and only saw empty chat boxes. There's NO WAY she divorced for viewing 'empty chat boxes' and once only!!
-Seriously, if she divorced him 'over' this it was either an ongoing snooping/ privacy issue (which it isn't in your case), or else there was significant evidence of emotional affairs with other men; in which case his mum was not only in the wrong, but had ALREADY started looking away from her marriage towards these other men. -So the divorce may already have been inevitable by the time he found out about her extra marital engagements.
So DON'T let him lay ALL of the guilt for this on you.
-He was already lying to you by the time you checked. If he does end the relationship over this, it may have been as inevitable a situation as it was for his parents; he was ALREADY talking to other people and lying to you about it; his heart had ALREADY strayed from the relationship before you had to look.
The only difference now is that you know about that.
And how dare he give YOU guilt about not telling the truth??
-Are you sure that you even want to stay with this man?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): I'm even worried that he will get the police.i'm so worried,i want to end it with him.he has one girl on his friends list who he used to like at college and flirt with.he has another girl on there who he liked,even though they live in different countries and have never me.another one is a girl he flirted with who used to be his neighbour not too long ago and she was friends with another girl he liked.he said the chat boxes originally came up a while ago and both girls said hi to him but he didnt respond.i dont know whether to believe him or not.he lied about talking to the girl in another country once before.and lied about telling the friend of ìs neighbour that he liked her once.we have been on and off for afew years but mostly on over the last year.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (16 February 2011):
 Wow neither of you trust each other. Well I hope that BOTH of you set aside your trust issues if you really want to make this work. If you don't like I said your relationship won't last much longer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): Thanks for your replies everyone.i did tell him the truth,when we were talking on the phone earlier,although,he did force it out of me.he said he doesnt know what to do as i violated his privacy and he doesnt know if he can trust me.he also told me that his dad snooped on his mums facebook and his mum divorced him because of it.i didnt know that until tonight.he is going to talk to me on the phone later as he wants time to think and he said we should talk about it in person too. I've told him that he has to be honest with me too though.i'll be back later to add more about this.
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A
female
reader, aviarX +, writes (16 February 2011):
Snooping on facebook is an ordanary thing within a relationship. But hiding this from your boyfriend can bring up more issues. You should tell him straight and talk about it, you may find things easier to work through. Hiding this will make the problem get bigger and bigger in your mind. If your boyfriend is mad at you for snooping then explain your side of the story of why you did it. Ask yourself a few questions:
How would you react if your boyfriend was snooping on your facebook?
Would you prefer your boyfriend to comfront you about the problem?
Nobody can tell yoou what to do but consider each side and make your decision based on your instinct.
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): Trust is the key issue in relationships.
If you can't trust, then you need to get out of the relationship, if you still can't trust then you need to work on yourself to figure out why you can't before you get into another one.
"i'm worried about telling him the truth"
Trust is the hardest thing to do, and you aren't being honest either because you don't trust him, regardless of the fb issues, because you've argued over these girls before.
Now, trusting doesn't mean that your trust won't be abused...not at all...but you can't have a good relationshp if you can't trust.
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A
female
reader, lovelost371 +, writes (16 February 2011):
I think you should admit. If he is suspicious than he will force you into it eventually and the chances are he might even fess up himself if he has been chatting to them.But for all you know he might have just been saying no to them. You have to tell the truth its better than lieing to him the whole time until in the end he forces you into it.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 February 2011):
What has your boyfriend done to make you snoop? Sure, snooping isn't right..but people do it anyway when they think their significant other is cheating or up to no good. Your trust issue with him is making the relationship rocky, you don't seem to have any trust in him. No trust= No relationship, or one that will soon fail. It's only a matter of time.
Anyways, what's the point in keeping on lying to him when he already knows you're snooping?? In a sense you already gave yourself away when you brought it up. If you want him to tell you the truth then you need to be honest yourself. In order to get the truth, you need to stop lying. You know your boyfriend so you can judge whether or not is telling the truth. Also note if you can't trust him then there's no sense in dating him.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (16 February 2011):
 Tell him, then ask him to tell you the truth, seeing as you did it for him. If he continues to lie after you telling him the truth then he clearly isn't trustworthy, but give him a chance to explain...
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