A
male
age
30-35,
*teel stake
writes:Ok I would like to first thank everyone who read my question and I definetely appreciate your time to read about my problems. It means alot. Ok so I recently decided to go in on a partnership on a party that my brother and nephew are throwing tomorrow. And we invited a ton of people to go and stuff. Just like any other party setup. Well im really good friends with my ex girlfriends best friend. I invited her to the party about 4 days ago or so and she said she would definetely go, right. Well just to be a good guy I invited my ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend to join us. Now the tricky part is that I know i still have some feelings for this girl since i havent dated anybody since, and our breakup was in March. (were in highschool btw. im a senior she's a junior) Well when i told her bestfriend to invite my ex girlfriend to the party she said she sounded flattered and that she was single. So apparently her and her boyfriend of 3 months broke up recently. Well anyways she said she would love to go, which is wierd cause she doesn't party at all anymore. Well since then she's been telling her bestfriend to tell me stuff over text like just jokes and stuff and yesterday while my friend was over at my house my ex girlfriend and her bestfriend called me asking for a ride to their house. I refused because i said i didnt have enough gas. Anyways my exgirlfriend called me my old nickname she gave me when we went out and stuff and said a couple of other things over the phone. Also i said i was ticklish in my conversation and my ex girlfriend said that wasn't true. She told her bestfriend to tell me that, (my exgirlfriend and i did have sexual relations). Well i guess what im wondering is what does all this mean? is she playing with me or does she want to try again or what??? im seriously confused. I was in love with this girl for a long time and took the breakup seriously, pretty much in depression. so should i risk it for love again? or should i just say no... and also when shes at my party tomorrow and tries to talk to me or something what should i do? how should i act? should i act like im interested? please any help would be greatly appreciated and i would definetely take all advice in. thank you so much. have a happy thanksgiving!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2011): I agree with the people that answered. It depends on how you feel and if you're willing to risk it. love is a risk after all. You should still be a friend to her, and be open for discussion, And if she wants to talk about getting back together, really think about it. Think about the issues you had because they might still be there. If they're something you can work out, then consider that. Take your time to really think about it, too. Don't make her rush you or anything.
A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (25 November 2011):
 Hi there!
Firstly we dont know her motives so I would be cautious. I say this because you've been hurt by this girl before and you dont want to go through all that pain again.
Saying that though, love always carries with it the risk of getting hurt.
If she talks to you at the party play it cool and talk to her. Doesnt have to be anything serious just how she is doing etc etc
If she mentions she wants to get back together with you then i would think very carefully and weight it up if being with her is worthwhile.
Are you guys compatible? can you work your differences out?
you might have to take time out to think about this if this situation of getting back together arises.
For now play it cool. Just behave like a friend to her until you know what her motive behind her recent actions are.
Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (24 November 2011):
Hi there. It really depends on how you feel about her now, and if you still have any feelings, remembering how depressed you were at the time, over the breakup.
I don't think you said this, but who broke up with who? Was it a mutual decision?
In any case, it probably doesn't really matter, although the reason why you broke up does matter.
The reason I say this is because whatever the issues that were there back then, may still be an issue right now - if you were to get back to together.
People don't really change much from who they basically are. So whatever annoyed you both about each other, could still annoy you both now. So then, history might repeat itself all over again. So more hurt and depression for you, might be in store.
(1) Can you remember back to what happened on the night of the breakup?
(2) And if you can, was there an argument of some sort?
(3) And if there was, do you remember what the argument was over?
So what I am really asking here, is - was the argument resolved at the time, or was the breakup because the argument couldn't be resolved so you both called it quits?
And supposing the breakup was after a big argument, you both couldn't agree and so you said - "That's it, it's over!"
If you were to resume seeing each other again, it's very likely that the very same disagreement might occur yet again. And that's what you DON'T want.
So the initial problem needs to be resolved properly, if a new relationship with her is ever going to stand a chance.
Anyway, argument or no argument, it's vital if it was to succeed again - a relationship with her - that you DO remember back to the exact events leading up to the breakup.
Often in relationships, people won't always see eye to eye on every little thing, and most minor things can be tolerated without any problem. However, other things that directly affect how you relate to each other, can't be ignored and pretend they don't exist.
So until whatever caused the breakup is resolved, it just won't work.
Also with relationships, there are things that each doesn't really like about the other - habits or the way one person is treated by the other - and even though it grates with the other person, they try to act like it doesn't bother them, and so they say nothing at all.
Even though they say nothing, it still knaws away inside of them every time the particular habit or event happens, and that person starts to feel anger and resentment rather than bring up the subject with the other person.
So then what happens, is one day that person simply explodes over something really tiny. Then all hell breaks loose and it's often the beginning of the end at that point.
When things annoy you in a relationship - even if it's a minor thing - it still needs to be talked about, just to clear the air once and for all. And once you DO talk about it, the other person can then change how they do things, so it's no longer a problem for you.
Couples often don't like to talk about what bugs them about the other, for fear of sounding like they are nit picking and finding fault.
It's an important part of communication, nevertheless. It's called conflict resolution - and it's vital.
It's not what you say, but how you say it, that really counts.
As long as you use kindness and respect, so they know you still love them regardless - that's important. However, they still need to know if there is something that you find annoying, that does bother you every time they do that.
If you don't tell them, they don't know.
So what I am really saying now is, if the feeling is mutual and you would like to give it another go, well then the very first thing you need to do is sit down together - just the two of you - and have a talk about it and about what went wrong before.
If you are not willing to do this, you will both be wasting your time and it might have a very disappointing outcome.
And even before this, have a think about what you really want from a relationship, and if you actually DO even want a relationship in the first place.
For the time being though, see how you get along when you see her at your party, and just live in the moment.
Don't think about yesterday or tomorrow - they don't exist. NOW is all that you have.
The party environment will be happy and carefree, because there will be a lot of other people there anyway, so you might have to MAKE time to actually be with her for any length of time.
And the party atmosphere is not going to be the same as you and her dating with just the two of you. So it's a kind of magic fairytale environment - the party - by comparison to real life. So keep that in mind.
I'm also guessing that there probably will be alcohol served? So again, it's a bit unreal.
There will also be other young guys there, so more challenges.
And really on the night, everyone talks to everyone. So almost anything goes, doesn't it? The possibilities are endless.
This is something you cannot control.
It does sound fairly positive, that she is flattered to be invited, just the same.
You will inevitably get to talk to her on the night at some point surely, and when you do, just act like a good friend - not her boyfriend. DON'T assume anything.
Before anything happens between you - getting back together, or the prospect of it - you HAVE to be absolutely sure, you and her are both on the same page.
So finding this out, is your first priority.
You can't come straight out and ask her this as soon as you see her. Remember, there has been a gap. PLUS, she did have another boyfriend after you - even though it's now over. So there are a few things to consider here, before leaping into another relationship with her.
Over the course of the evening, you will no doubt see and be able to gauge how she feels towards you, by how she talks and what she talks about.
I wouldn't be bringing up the subject of when you were a couple, because that is in the past. You want to just be in the moment. In fact, don't talk about things back then, at all.
If she brings it up, make a quick comment and politely change the subject, if you can. Of course, it depends on what path the conversation takes as to whether you choose to do this. You don't want to give her the wrong impression, or make her feel rejected. Nor, do you want to appear rude or dismissive.
Remembering, it's a delicate area here. So you don't want to dredge up all those negative, depressive feelings you had once it ended with her. That would spoil your evening, to the point where you were sorry you even invited her.
You could be opening a can of worms, if you're not careful.
You want to have a nice evening, you want to have fun and be happy - NOT reminded of being unhappy and depressed. And the fact is, you WILL BE reminded of all those sad times once you first see her face again. It will probably all come back to you in a big rush.
So on the night, make sure you DO mix with everyone at your party throughout the night. DON'T just stay by her side as if you are still her boyfriend.
Things have changed now - for both of you. Water has passed under the bridge.
Perhaps go into the night, with NO expectations whatsoever of what could happen - regards you and her. Don't even go there with your mind.
Then you will have a really great night.
Expect only to have fun and laugh and be happy - but nothing more.
The main thing is enjoy the evening.
Enjoy your night and take care.
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