A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm going crazy.My parents divorced (not officially yet) a month ago, and they both expect me to be the messenger between them. When they separated, my mom told me some things that I felt were very hurtful, so I didn't feel the need to talk to her since then.A week ago, mail from the bank came for her. I thought my dad would take care of it, to which he answered "oh no, you call her and tell her she has mail here, then go deliver it to her. Also, ask her what she's planning to do about the house and the bank account".I was shocked! I told him it was not my duty, but he told me he doesn't want to have any connection to her! He hasn't changed his mind, and I feel like he's putting me in a bad situation.To add to that, my extended family has became super protective of me and my dad. As my mom was the one to move out and took the washing machine (among other things), we have to rely on my family to wash our clothes, and I am grateful for that. Long story short, they have our house keys and keep intruding and showing unannounced. When I talked to my dad about that, he didn't even listening, told me I am ungrateful and just want to pick a fight.He also criticizes my room, complains that it is dirty (it's not, maybe has a dirty coffee cup, as always) and even told me I should do something to clean the house even though the family comes here everyday to clean, so there is no point in cleaning after. He yells that I only listen to my boyfriend and despise everyone else, as I want to live my life. Tho I don't despise my family, they are stressing me out VERY much, and I don't see the harm of wanting to live my life without having to explain myself to people.I don't know how to deal with this anymore. My boyfriend and other friends told me I should just tell my dad I want to move out, and even though I want to scare my dad straight, he knows I'd hate to quit college to get a job.Can you give me some tips about how to deal with my fathers behavior?Should I accept being the messenger between him or my mom or should I just put my foot down and refuse to get involved?How can I make my dad see that having people here all the time is not necessary nor polite?How can I deal with his erratic behavior in general?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 March 2013):
 "I was shocked! I told him it was not my duty, but he told me he doesn't want to have any connection to her! "
Tell him "Too bad, you married her, you divorced her, and you have kids with her. You HAVE to have contact with her, and I certainly will NOT be a pawn to be played between the two of you. You're an adult, and you need to handle your own divorce. How would you feel if I told you to be the messenger between me and an ex boyfriend of MINE? This is between you and her, it is your business, and don't mix me into it."
Or, just stop doing things. Say no. Put your foot down. So your mother will never get her mail, but if so she'll have to deal with your dad, because he's the one who refuses to have anything to do with her, even when it comes to her mail.
Just stay out of it or you'll get dragged down and drown in this mess.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 March 2013):
 I got to this: "A week ago, mail from the bank came for her. I thought my dad would take care of it, to which he answered "oh no, you call her and tell her she has mail here, then go deliver it to her. Also, ask her what she's planning to do about the house and the bank account"."
and stopped reading.
your father is being childish, immature and irresponsible.
NEVER should a parent put a child in the position your dad is attempting to put you in.
I would say "no dad I can't do that, it's between you and mom and I'm not going to take sides or get involved"
he may yell
he may whine
he may cry
he may plead
STAND YOUR GROUND with him. He is trying to avoid conflict and talking to her for whatever his reasons. Hopefully with time they can both grow the F up and behave like adults.
NO matter what age we are our parents breaking up is hard on us... and your dad is not making it easier.
If he says "but I can't talk to her" then you look at him and say "daddy that's what attorneys are for"
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (1 March 2013):
 No you should not be the messenger. Tell your parents if they can't communicate with each other directly, use a lawyer to do it because this is affecting your mental well-being.
Also, you are living in the house so you should help in the cleaning. If you clean the house, then maybe your extended family won't come over all the time. Tell them the house is clean and you don't want them wasting their time, you and your father are fine. If your extended family are cleaning your house and you are there, you should help them so they can go home sooner. It's just common courtesy.
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Your parents should not be using you as their 'go between'. They both seem pretty stressed out, especially your dad who, reading between the lines, does not appear to be coping with the situation very well at all. This is the reason he is getting annoyed with you about your room etc. so I wouldn't take too much to heart. Hopefully he will calm down in time. At least your extended family are showing an interest and concern for you and your dad which shows how much they care. Although you find it irritating they are only trying their best to be helpful so I'm afraid you will have to grin and bear it and be as pleasant as possible. Actually, if you start doing things around the house yourself you might make them feel slightly 'not needed' and they may not call round as often. My advice would be for you to not get involved in any financial matters etc. between your parents. If post arrives it's up to them and their legal representatives to sort it out. You carry on with your own life as best you can at this difficult time because you are the innocent party caught up in all this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Honestly, I would tell BOTH my parents that you REFUSE to be in the middle and/or the messenger, they can go through a lawyer if they can't talk to each other, NOT you.
SHAME on them for putting you in the middle. They are acting like a couple of kids not grown ass people.
Also are you getting to a point where you can afford to move out? Maybe you need to start saving up, so you can move out.
As for the family that comes and clean/laundry for you and your Dad, well it IS your DAD'S (and MOM's) home so it's up to THEM (mainly your dad as he lives there) to decide if he wants them there or not. I'm thinking that it will die down with all the "taken care" of you two soon enough and things will hopefully go back to a more "normal" state.
As for the letter, I would cross out the address and add her new one and put it in the mail. Or buy some of those big yellow envelopes and forward important letters once a week to her). Hopefully she will get it.
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