A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Advice neededMy Partner and I had a rocky relationship in the past. At the start he was far from committed to me I had his baby but there were episodes of suspected cheating and he was dismissive of my children I lost my job and he refused to pay more than a quater of bills so I lost my house and my equity that went with it. We argued lots over it he moved into his own house a year and a half ago so he could see his other children leaving me and my three children one of which is his to fend for ourselves financially and generally. I got a good job again and work full time which can be tough with three kids. We have tried to work things out in our relationship and after alot of toing and froing we have got to a stage where he is better with my kids. We have his kids on a sat but he does not ask for them more despite my prompts. My kids have been through alot especially my Son who saw his intial dissmissal of them he now plays with him and my Son is much happier. He stays at my house most of the time. I now have to vacate my rented property he had suggested we buy something problem is I have had to start from scratch again and have barely any savings and dont find saving easy paying all the bills. He has £41000 in the Bank. He did originally say we should buy a house he said that I would have to put in some deposit i have £1000 saved and he would put in rest but I would have to pay him back by paying the whole mortgage for two years. He pulled out of that house saying as we would have to wait ten months to extend it for two rooms for his kids (he does not have them overnight at moment but they could stay in my kids rooms temporarily on nights they are not there which is three times a week until we build). I feel this is an excuse as he says now we need to save enough to do the extention from day one and the deposit. I told him this means it will take at least two years for me to save that deposit as it would be £20000 each he said thats fine we will rent. I find it hard because I would give my family my last penny but he keeps his money for him. When I lost my house I lost everything but my furniture which he wanted some of but I did not let him. I did not ask him for a penny of his money some of which he saved as I let him live with me rent free for the first six months as he had legal costs to pay. Am I looking at this all wrong? Am I being selfish ? He did say originally that we would have a joint account (I now earn more than him a month) but I said now I can not do that now until I save the deposit as why should he benefit from my income but keep his savings. It Feels weird to me in my previous relationship we shared everything now I feel I have to protect every penny like he does. Am I being fair feeling that he should protect us more financially? He reasons by saying he wants to keep £20000 in Bank in case he lost his job but he has redundancy insurance which pays his income for a year and so do I?
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (11 August 2011):
 This relationship sounds very dysfunctional. You two are not on the same page with two crucial area in your relationship...children and finances.
If he can not accept ALL the children and the two of you live in seperate residences?
A
female
reader, amenthyst3356 +, writes (11 August 2011):
I think you need to sue to get him to pay child support, allow him to see your son but do not go back into a relationship with him. He doesn't care about your future. My Mother got really sick and my father let his financial side drop so we could not afford medical bills. They are married but this man seems to have the same personality. He is first above his children and anyone else. You need a man who will put you and your children first. He does not, please find someone else. Do not buy a house with him please just get out now and get child support. Do this for your children they can be happy with just you than a loser father.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice we are married we have been for three years
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): Wish I could have saved for a house when a single parent, you must work damn hard and budget well
The answer is you and the children have priority and security is essential so with this in mind I wouldn't part with a penny which involved this man to be honest. No he shouldn't protect you financially, he doesn't have any responsibility for you or the children - bar his/your child - and your not married
Why invest in property together,he's high risk as a partner, just you rent,live with your children and continue to save. Let him do whatever and keep your finances seperate.See how the land lies in a year or so.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): This is not a question about where or not he should protect you financially, this is a question of trust.
It's obvious you don't trust him.
It sounds like he has a history of being selfish, first with you and your family and now with his wishes over finances. You are trying to parse this problem out as a financial one, when in fact the answer is really very simple.
Do you sink your savings with a man who has been less than trust worthy and inconsistent in the past?
I'd say no. Find somewhere else to rent until you can put something together for yourself. I know raising 3 kids solo must be hard, but it will be a lot harder if you give him all your savings and then when it all goes wrong on his end, you have only yourself to blame. Don't put yourself or your family in a bad position.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (11 August 2011):
hi i would not buy a house together as he sound svery unreliable i would carry on as you are for now and see how you both are in a few months time
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): What do you think? Read your own post and tell me what you think. Plus I have issue with you allowing a man who obviously doesn't like YOUR kids to be in their lives.
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