A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm finally out from under the thumb of a controlling ex. Extremely happy about this, but...I'm about to start school next week. At the end of last year I alienated myself from my peers per controlling boyfriend's request. This kills me because after years of feeling like an outcast I finally had friends, a life, and I was happy. The controlling boyfriend comes along and I'm back to square one.I know I made some people angry with my behavior at the end of the school year. I treated everyone like sh*t because I was brainwashed by my ex.I want to start new friendships and a relationship (not immediately or anything, still regaining my independence) this year but my experiences with my ex have left me socially dumb. I've forgotten how to just talk to people other than him. I've forgotten how to have fun. I feel so awkward now anytime I'm around people and I don't know what to do.He turned me into such a cynic and made me hate everyone, but I don't want to hate everyone! I want to be happy again.Help?Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 August 2011):
 Hi
I'm Glad the ex is history. Are you resolved to never never ever take him back? Because he sounds seriously toxic.
Losing touch with your friends at school can be tough, but not impossible. Just think of students whose families shift interstate? They have to make all new friends. From scratch.
You have the advantage of already knowing the people at school, but you lost touch with them due to Mr Toxic above.
So now you have to try to reconnect.
First off practice giving people a wave and a smile when you see them.
Use their name, twice, when you see them. People love their name used, accompanied with a cheery wave.
Yes, you have probably have burnt some bridges. Ignore the grumps if they do not respond positively to your smile and your wave and using their name, twice.
Eg: 'Hi Mary, how are you?' followed by 'good to see you, Mary, i'll look forward that .. ........'
Whereas the nicer less judgemental people will forgive your previous attitude. If you can show that you can BE a friend again.
Greet then as per above.
Try to maintain a positive attitude - such people are more fun.
Also get involved in some activities where you are able to keep busy. Ask a parent if you can do some volunteering. You and a parent could check out a community sponsored good project doing some good for a group of people in need of help - then if your parent agrees then you could offer your skills for free for maybe 2 hours a week on the community project.
Or better still there may be a school project looking for volunteers and supervised by the teachers.
Then , when you get a chance - share a soda or a coffee with some of the volunteers - after your shift.
During the school vacation find out if you can learn a new skill. Perhaps one that could earn you money for later - such as how to make picture frames. Learning a new skill takes your mind off not having enough friends, but also gives you an achievement and something to talk about and a way to help others or even earn some extra money in your spare time. These things help you improve your self confidence.
And good self esteem will help you to make new friends in the future.
If the class holds a farewell even don't lose the opportunity - if you like anyone (as just a friend) in the class (male and/or female) let them know that you'd love to 'catch up later' and share phone numbers - you should already know their names in your contacts list.
People also love it if you remember something about them when you meet next. So your contacts list should not just be names/phone numbers. Try to remember something special about each person.
Real friends are not created by just listing a name and a picture on a web page.
Real friends happen because you really truly listen, you are not judgemental, you are supportive, you demonstrate by your words and your actions and your attitudes that you care, you remember what is important to them.
Real friends are people you enjoy talking with. You recall their birthday. You take the time to share a lunch or a coffee with them.
If you make some friends outside the school sphere it will give you added confidence
Another skill to consider is public speaking. If the school has such a group then join it.
When you talk with people do listen very carefully. And ask open questions. That means questions that start with what, when, why.
Try not to ask single answer (closed) questions, such as:
Are you....?
Do you go to.....?
How many times did you....?
As closed questions shut the conversation down with a yes or a no answer . Or a single word answer.
Also do make sure you regularly put in the effort to spend time with the people you want to be friends with.
Give them a call when it is their birthday. Ask them to join you at a venue or eveny share a soda with them
Try not to gossip about others. Be known as a person who never enjoys distributing gossip.
If a person does well at school, be the first to congratulate them. Be sincere.
If people challenge you explain truthfully that you made some mistakes, but that is behind you now. And that you have stopped all that.
And that you are looking forward to getting back to the Real You.
Before you know it you'll have friends back.
Best Wishes for a better future.
A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (11 August 2011):
Find one of your old friends and re-connect with them, and tell them what you juat posted here.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (11 August 2011):
hi i would try talking to some of your old friends and explain to them why you treat them like you did explain to them that you are very sorry about it if they accept ypur apology and you become friends with them again then you know who your true friends are if not then try just talking to new people even by speaking to someone who sits near you in your classes things like that good luck hope things work out
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