A
female
age
30-35,
*ittlegray
writes:Okay, so I've been dating a wonderful man for almost a year and a half now. He's 24 and I'm 21, and we get along really well and are still quite happy with one another. The only problem with him is that he is incredibly socially awkward, and sometimes doesn't get the nonverbal hints that people aren't really interested in the same things he's interested in and talking about. I don't usually mind this, and keep my time with my friends and my time with him separate, but the holidays are coming up. Neither of us are particularly religious, but Christmas is still fun.Enter the family: My sister is 9 years older than me, and so we get along well but share zero interests. That being said, she, her husband and my nephew are my only family and so we spend holidays together. They are all VERY religious and attend church regularly. I've been going to lots of my boyfriend's families' events and gotten to know them pretty well, but he's only visited my sister once... and it was awkward. He didn't make a very good impression, despite trying very hard (too hard?), and I would like him to be around for me during the holiday. I have asked my sister's permission to bring him over for the day since it will be at her house, and she hasn't said yea or nay yet, but I'm wondering... Should he come over at all, given how awkward his last visit was? If he's going to be around for a while (and I hope he will be) my family should meet him whether they like him or not, right? I don't want to have to watch him and give him hints as to what to do and what to not, but he's so awkward that I'm concerned that the day won't be a good one for my sister if he's there (my sister is very meticulous when it comes to holidays, and god help you if you get in the way of her plans). I just... want him to be with me because I love him and want to share the day with him, and I wish there was something I could do to help him and my family get along.I'm sorry that this question is so long, but I wanted to be detailed about the situation and this is really, REALLY stressing me out, especially because I don't have anyone else to ask. Holidays have always been difficult for me because of family circumstances, and this is not helping.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): I think you should take him to your sisters again. The more they see each other the more they'll get to know each other. As long as he is respectful towards you and your sister, I don't see a reason why she should dislike him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): I wrote the anon question sorry didn't realise it was anonymous. It sounds A LOT like my boyfriend when he first met my family. I was really nervous when he first met them because he too, can be a bit strange socially around people and obviously you want your boyfriend to make a good impression first time meeting your family.
He also has a sarcastic and dark sense of humour that isn't everyone's taste and every time he'd make a small joke my parents didn't seem to find it funny (as I know their fake laugh). My boyfriend is actually very shy and his way of shyness is talking a lot and just rambling on about rubbish at times. I openly tell him when he's doing it now as we're very comfortable but obviously at the time I couldn't. In fact my parents/family didn't really like him much at all when we first went out but now as we've been together nearly 3 years they absolutely love him. I think they just realised that we WERE serious about each other and they know how much he loves me so that was enough for them to accept him.
It's always hard to get your family to like your boyfriend because your family always expects a lot from your him, they seem to always want you to have that 'perfect' boyfriend.
I do personally think him helping set the table was a lovely thing to do although I guess people have different views in thir own home. It's like when my boyfriend used to do certain things in my moms house she'd find it rude. Each to their own I guess.
The more your sister see's your boyfriend the more he'll grow on her and if she really loves you she will love him for making you happy.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 December 2011):
 Don't stress too much , it's nothing that a bit of mutual tolerance and understanding in the Holidays spirit of cheer and good will won't solve. Relax, and accept that nobody is perfect .
Yes, probably your sister, as a houseproud host, is a bit terrorial, that's normal. ( Btw, I had overzelous guests breaking precious porcelainware, or cherished mementos from my childhood, in their kind yet clumsy attempt to help me, so now when I invite people over I make it very clear : no thanks, I'll do all by myself, you guys just sit back and enjoy). Maybe she is born a perfectionist , but she surely does not do it to spite your bf .
And your Aspie bf with the obsession for Asian history ? ... You know him and love him, so you find that endearing... but of course not everybody can feel the same, and of course his mannerisms may be occasionally puzzling / annoying to other people, what do you expect.
Does it really matter that much ? Nobody is perfect, nobody is always at their shining best behaviour, no real life family gathering is a Norman Rockwell print or a Martha Stewart magazine cover , there WILL be moments of awkwardness and even boredom and irritation, so ? ... Being with friends and family , and your loved one, is not about everybody trying to impress everybody else. Dismiss with a laugh the " uh-oh " moments ,and cherish among your memories the happy, joyful ones. Happy Holidays !
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reader, bluecow  +, writes (21 December 2011):
 agree with chalice that he sounds borderline aspie or high functioning autism (I think if he doesnt fit within one group they are often given the diagnosis of pdd-nos - which means non specific autism apergers like traits).
Either way regardless of the lable you should make your sister aware of this as it may effect her whole outlook and will probably make her more accomodating to his quirks. I would think that if she is in ignorance of this then this is probably why she is acting so coldly towards him.
He sounds like a lovely fella, and I can see you love him very much.
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reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (21 December 2011):
 does your sister know of his condition? I think she will just have to learn to be understanding and accepting of him. So go to the party and bring your man.
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reader, littlegray +, writes (21 December 2011):
littlegray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry Anon, didn't see your question.
It was an awkward interaction because my boyfriend tends to try to make a really good impression by telling a lot about himself and maybe trying to impress people, but it comes off badly. He's interested in very particular things, like Asian History, and can talk about it forever, not realizing that maybe people don't care about it as much as he does. Maybe it would be good if he just shut up once in a while, but I think he gets nervous and can't stop talking.
One thing that my sister specifically said to me was awkward was that he was being overly solicitous, trying to help set the table and everything which she personally didn't like because he was a stranger in her house (I thought that was silly, he was just trying to help and be friendly, but it's her house so I guess I can't comment).
He also doesn't make a good impression sometimes because he has a strange sense of humor (it's very sarcastic and dark, not in a mean way but an unusual way... I personally find it amusing, but most people think it's weird). I think that may have been part of the problem as well.
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reader, littlegray +, writes (21 December 2011):
littlegray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChalice - I did forget to mention in my original post, he does have a word processing disorder that presents itself as a strange blend of dyslexia and very mild autism. That's a part of why he's rather socially awkward. I accept that those things are a part of who he is, and once you get to know him his quirks can be charming in a way. It's just because of that that he ends up making a HORRIBLE first impression.
RainorFire - Yeah, I don't disagree, and if it comes down to a choice between her and my boyfriend it's probably going to be him. The problem is that I do love my sister, and she isn't really being snotty about it... more that she really wants us to have a good time as a family, and she's concerned about it.
I guess that I just don't want to screw up Christmas for anyone, but I also want to be with EVERYONE I love for the holiday. I just want to know if that's being selfish because it might ruin the day for other people and if I should just let it go, or what I can do to smooth things over and make it happen.
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reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (21 December 2011):
Your sister needs to get over her self who the heck is she the queen of sheeba... If this guy makes you happy she should be happy for you and accept him he doesnt have to be perfect or live up to her standards.
Aslong as he is respectful towards her i dont see the problem. If she wants to play her silly game I dont think you should be apart of it. You need permission to bring him over what kind of nonsense is that.
I wouldn't even go to her Christmas party. I have boycotted plenty of my own family events. Im not going to put my self in a situation where i have to sit on pins and needles.
if your sister is so religious she may never exept your lifestyle and theres nothing you can change about that shes made her choice you will have to make yours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): May I ask why it was awkward?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): Has BF been tested for Aspergers?
http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/tc/aspergers-syndrome-symptoms
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2010/aspergers-syndrome/
Autism and Aspergers is a spectrum so BF could be borderline Aspie.
So understanding and patience and knowing about someone is a good way of also learning how to cope and manage and bring to light how We need to be with others. Its not just up to the BF but anyone else he encounters on how to treat one another with kindness and acceptance.
HOpe this was of help.
*hugs & cocoa*
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