A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone! I'm in need of some advice.I recently graduated from university and have been quite busy with a new career and new hobbies. I spend what little spare time I get with my family and friends. So having a boyfriend isn't at the top of my list.Recently I've met a number of single guys. To avoid misunderstandings, I let them know pretty early on that I'm not looking for a relationship. It's simple - if a guy seems like he wants more than friendship and I don't reciprocate his feelings, I don't go out with him. If a guy just wants to hang out, we make it clear that it's strictly platonic. Half the time this works out really well, and I've met some really good friends. But then there's the other half. After 1 or 2 group hangouts some of these guys decide they want more. They try to get me out alone, and I've made the mistake of agreeing to this, which only makes them think I'm interested as well. But most of the time I refuse, and that's when they get pissed at me. And then comes the drunk texts asking me why I always say no, that I'm not worth their time (though they keep trying??), and one guy who was drunk has told me I disgust him.Question is, what am I doing wrong? Should I not befriend any single guys, in case I give off the wrong impression? I don't understand - if we started out as just friends, how can they get mad at me for not wanting to move past friendship? I do my best to turn them down nicely, and my friends have said I'm not harsh enough, but either way I end up losing guy friends. It's like they want all or nothing.Would love to hear your opinions! Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): Responding as original poster-
Sorry, I just want to clarify. I don't actually say, "I'm not looking for a relationship". I just meant that in the course of getting to know each other, I let them know I'm not interested in anything more than friendship. Or so I thought. But after reading your replies I'm thinking I'm probably not being clear enough.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): Responding as original poster -
Thanks for your replies! Made a lot of sense and gives me a bit to think about. Thanks again. :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): You are causing misunderstandings by saying you aren't looking for a relationship. This will be taken by most guys as you are up for sex with no strings attached so they will view you as an easy conquest. When you hang out alone with them, it does lead them to believe you will deliver. The first half who aren't getting frustrated are probably guys who just see you as a platonic friend anyway or the guys who don't have much success with women. If you have no interest in dating or relationships, tell them you see them as just a friend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): "Should I not befriend any single guys, in case I give off the wrong impression?"There's always going to be a few men who will always try to get with you regardless of impressions. I find it very hard myself, If I find a woman exceedingly attractive, to not take a chance.Though you mentioned "Half the time this works out really well, and I've met some really good friends". If you find it worth your while finding "really good friends" then it really becomes a limitting case where you learn how to recognize men who will step over boundaries."They try to get me out alone, and I've made the mistake of agreeing to this, which only makes them think I'm interested as well."Part of "recognizing" men who will step over boundaries is learning never to make such mistakes. "I don't understand - if we started out as just friends, how can they get mad at me for not wanting to move past friendship?"Despite what a man or a woman "says" the biological tendencies to want to mate sometimes override the decency of keeping to your word. In such a case a person may try their luck and when turned down (nobodody likes rejection) prompts a hostile reaction. "I do my best to turn them down nicely, and my friends have said I'm not harsh enough, but either way I end up losing guy friends. It's like they want all or nothing."Then they could never be friends in the first place and you should accept that. Unless the guy is gay or in a very happy relationship there is always a good probability he will try to get to you. Why? Because you are biologically the object of his desire if you or like it or not. Its like asking a vampire to hang out and not bite. Being a little more harsh or not letting them "try to get me out alone" may be a good idea.All in all its about being able to recognize the men who will cross boundaries.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (29 August 2011):
 When a guy says to a girl that he's not looking for a relationship, generally speaking, it means he's open to anything other than exclusivity... but a lot of the time its just the most polite way of working up to suggesting a friends with benefits deal.
Don't use that line. Its right up there with the cliche lines like "its not you, its me"... and all that crap. You may have to put on your serious face early on when you meet a guy and say something like- "I'm only looking for friendship... and that's all." Yeah its blunt.. but it'll separate most of the guys who genuinely wanna be friends with the ones that are hanging around with an ulterior motive.
Won't deter the "sleeper agent nice guys" though.
Best of luck
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