A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I started dating my current boyfriend about 7 months ago. I didn't know him well, but had gone through a really devastating year trying to adjust to a very competitive program at school, dealing with depression, family trouble and being abused by men. He was interested in me, but not at all pushy. I thought it would be good to give having a relationship another shot instead of wallowing. He was 25 and I was 20. I thought he would be mature and more settled in life compared to boys my age and that is what I needed. But it turned out he still lives with his mother, hasn't had a job in years, and his car was broke down all summer and I had to drive everywhere and pay for everything. We are in the same program at school, but I am very successful and he is not. The professors think he is a slacker and I'm embarrassed to be with him because I think they judge me for it.That being said, he comes from a broken home the same as I do and is one of the very few people I've met at college who could understand that. He is actually nice to me, unlike most men I've dated. We have the same interests. He is very understanding when it comes to my mental illness. I think he's trying. It's just frustrating that I go to school full time, live on my own, have 2 jobs, and get straight A's, and I'm so much younger than him and ill. I wish I had a boyfriend who could spend a little money on me sometimes and was successful and could take care of me and had his own place, as shallow as that sounds.I keep coming back to the thought that I don't deserve better though. As hard as I work I'm still just an average looking white trash girl with mental problems and a troublesome, drug addicted family. So I've been thinking the kind of guy I want would run from me as fast as possible if he had any sense. Should a girl like me just learn to be happy with what she has? Are my expectations too high?
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male
reader, SamSun  +, writes (17 December 2014):
Your own opinion of yourself appears to be based not upon what you perseve of yourself, but what is perseved by the constructs of society."I keep coming back to the thought that I don't deserve better though. As hard as I work I'm still just an average looking white trash girl with mental problems and a troublesome, drug addicted family"Where is that statement coming from?Is that really what you think or what you have been taught to think? No matter what your background, no matter what life you have lived, no matter what ilness you may be conquering, you deserve whatever you want out of life. I don't for one minute think that it is you who has given you such a negative veiw of your situation to say words like white trash, I think that is the view of those around you who are small minded and understand sweet f'a about the reality of your actual situation. These kinds of people wouldn't last five minutes in your shoes and probably also live with their moms (or at least take their washing home)."I'm embarrassed to be with him because I think they judge me for it"This shows you care more about what others think than you do yourself, which goes back to the point that your perspective is not based on what's inside you.You have to be happy in yourself, before you can truely be happy with someone else. If thus was a guy you really loved and you were content with who you are, it would not matter what anyone else thinks.Now back to the matter at hand, its natural to lock onto someone who understands what you have been through and gives you solice away from the pains of life. However you have to ask yourself one thing.If you didn't care about the opinions of others and the desire for what you termed shallow things is a less of a deal breaker than a major one, would you be happy with this guy?If you do care about, others opinions and those shallow things are important to you, then has the deal not already been broken?
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 December 2014):
 "I'm still just an average looking white trash girl with mental problems and a troublesome, drug addicted family."
This is what you were born with. You can't change this.
This is what you can accomplish, and do, because of willpower, personality and character:
"I go to school full time, live on my own, have 2 jobs, and get straight A's"
Your boyfriend was also born into similar conditions as you. Yet look to his willpower, his character, his personality. It is so different from yours. It's not about what you "deserve". It's about who you are compatible with, who will make you happy in life. And I think you and him are just too different. He has no drive or ambition. You have plenty. This WILL cause more problems as you go along, and it will be impossible for you to live with if the time comes for you and him to think about marriage and children. Imagine him paying for kids... It's hard for me to picture it. I think, he's already 25, and he still lives at home. Take it as a sign of his character, and people do not change. He is not mature enough for you. He is not responsible enough, doesn't have the independence needed to be with a strong and independent woman like you.
You need someone who matches you in ambition, drive, willpower, and goals in life. This one doesn't. So he's nice.. well, thats good, but it isn't enough. If you feel like you shouldn't ask for more, then fine. Don't ask for more. But may I ask you to AT LEAST ask for the SAME AS YOURSELF? It's one thing to not ask for much, but at least raise the bar up to your own level. Not looking like a model means you don't expect a boyfriend who looks like a model... not that you completely drop the bar and take anything that comes along.
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A
female
reader, suzzzque232 +, writes (16 December 2014):
 imo hes never going to change. you sound like you have a bright future ahead of you...dont settle...youre still young. i know being single kinda sucks but its not the end of the world. and the fact that you have a mental illness isint the end of the world now adays.
im disabled and i settled for a guy kinda like yours when i was younger. he ruined me for awhile-i got stuck supporting him and paying for all his toys and bills. after i finally got rid of him i straightened out my life and learned to be happy being single.
my advice to you is get rid of this guy and hold out for something better!
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