| A ,
anonymous
writes: I consider myself a strong, independant, focused young woman. I have an excellent job...graduated from college...I own my home, I brought 2 cars (no car note)...I have great credit, no children and I'm only 24! I have a boyfriend who is also a college graduate, handsome, intelligent etc...but has a huge problem! He is not self motivated, lazy, has a child, and careless is with his money. Which by the way, caused him to to get into HUGE debt! He recently told me that he wants to marry me...and I can't...because I do not want to assume responsibility for his careless actions! If we were to get married, he would have to live in MY HOME, drive one of MY CARS, and more than likely... I would have to help him out of his money crisis. (Because when you marry, you merge together becoming one...that means his bills become your bills, his problems become your problems...etc) I don't want to take on what I consider extra baggage. Before I talk to him about this...what should I do? Am I being too critical? Or selfish? Should I get out of this relationship? And when I discuss this with him, how do I go about this...without hurting his feelings?
View related questions:
debt, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (9 February 2005):
 Perhaps first you need to ask yourself whether you want to help him out of his money crisis? Let us say that he is willing to alter his spending habits and become more responsible but that he will need your support to do so. You need to ask yourself whether you want to do this;do you care about him enough to do this? Marriage is about sharing problems and compromising but I am not sure you are willing to do this by the tone of your letter.We all have baggage, I'm sure you do too which he may support you with. (or at least, if you don't have any problems yet, you may come across them and then he will be placed in the role to support you).If you do love this guy and want to be with him for the rest of your life despite the money problems that he has then you need to make him aware of how you feel, tactfully. Miss out the bit about taking on extra baggage! You would both need to come to some arrangement to help him deal with his debts and face his responsibilites. You need to establish whether he is prepared to do this. If he isn't, then you are onto a non starter anyway. He needs also to be prepared to alter his lifestyle in which to accommodate you.Say to him that you want to help him live a better way of life and assume his responsibilities because you have misgivings about him becoming totally dependent on you.Remember to tell him also why you want to be with him and see what he says.You may not be able to change him in any way. You say he is lazy and careless. What are his good points apart from being handsome and intelligent? What attracted you to him in the first place? If you are having these doubts, perhaps you should consider putting off even thinking about getting married until you have some kind of firm indication that he will change.Saying that, consider to yourself what is most important to you. Money, status? Or does love play a role?Good luck.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (9 February 2005):
 No, I don't think you're being too critical. You're absolutely correct that his credit and spending habits will affect yours. There's every chance that what you've predicted - the moving in, the driving your car, the debts accumulating - will occur if you marry this guy. And if you let him take advantage of you that way.My advice is that you shouldn't be in a rush to marry him. You're 24. Why hurry? It sounds like you're going really well in your life right now and marrying a big, unmotivated lump of a man would only be a drudge.You need to sort out his problems LONG before you tie the knot. I recommend he get to a credit counsellor and sort out his debts, paying off his creditors in a manageable way as soon as possible. Then, after he's shown you that he can be solvent and financially responsible, you can discuss the pre-nup. Seriously. By the time he's paid his financial debts, it could be years from now and you will have accumulated more wealth through your investments. Would you be willing to risk it all for a husband who might just slide back into old spending habits? I think a pre-nuptual agreement, specifying that he's going to remain responsible for his own debts, etc, is the only sensible way forward.Then you need to consider his child. Does he have custody, now or in the future? Don't forget that marrying this man will make you the stepmum and you need to consider the two of them as a package. After having said all that... you say youself that he's lazy and careless. These aren't traits that are easily overcome or changed. Do you really want this kind of thing to dog you every day of your married life? My suggestion is give him and his marriage proposal a wide berth for a few years. See how he shapes himself up and make a decision about marrying him in... oh, a decade or so.Hope this helps.
...............................
|
