A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we have bought a house together and live very happily - we aren't the 'clubbing/party' type (especially him) .. In fact I gave up most of my partying days for our relationship and we usually go out as a couple (though I don't mind him going out). Well this week I have been very depressed with family issues (my mum and close friend being very unwell, plus I had a pregnancy scare).My boyfriend has lied to my a few times in the past (about going out, he once kissed another woman and I also caught him on a dating site) but this was all early on in our relationship, we were young and I forgave him. This week he has been quite supportive, but a bit annoyed with me when I've been upset. I already told him I was nervous about him going to his work's Christmas party (he works with 90 percent women, and I understood this was my own insecurity problem I so told him to have a good night but please don't do anything to hurt me). We had already bought coach tickets to a city a few hours away... to visit the following day (we wanted to go to the Christmas Market and have a lovely day out, we bought the tickets months ago.) Because of this, he promised that he would be home after his Christmas meal which was booked at 7 - they finished work at 3pm and were going straight out drinking before the meal. Because he went out early and promised to be home after the meal at around 8.30pm because we were leaving the next day at 6am, I trusted him. However when he still wasn't home at 11 pm, so eventually called him - he was dancing in the club and drunk.My mum then took ill and I rushed her to hospital at around 11.30pm. When my boyfriend got home he saw the empty bed and drunkenly text me 'you left me on the night I needed you most. Hope you have a happy life without me and all the best. Don't talk to me again and give me back my key. It's not all about you!!!!'. After explaining I was at the hospital he was ok, however I have had to cancel our city plans today because he is hungover. .. and it hurts me so so much that he lied and didn't even text to say he was staying out. He also never wants to go clubbing with me or dance with me, but said he was dancing with his colleagues. I'm heart broken. Today he said it was all his fault and that he never usually does anything like that (it was completly random). He said he was being selfish. He mentioned still going away on the coach today but it was too late, maybe I should have went with a friend but I thought we needed to "talk". I just think it was disrespectful to me. I apologise for this being so long, thank you for taking the time to read all this. It would be great if you could offer me your opinion on what to do, or if I'm overreacting. How should i deal with this? And should i ask him whst he got up to? thank you :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2015): Ok. He needed the money because he pawned his laptop in a moment of urgent and he was about to end the time so he had to pay in the pawn shop $350 dollars. So I know he did get his laptop back. I visited him days later and ask for his laptop. He said he pawned again! I was furious! He told me that his very best friend had a problem and he felt he had to help. So he sent money to his friend. I asked and asked when your friend is paying you back? He every time had different storie. Until yesterday when I saw the laptop at his place I said , good do you have the money ah? How you don't think about me first? Only when you need help? Then he came with the idea of the credit card. That's why I said No, I want my cash back,
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2015): I guess there's more to this story than you've listed?
I get the impression that your insecurities and trust issues go deeper than you're letting on. The only people who know if this is justified is you and your partner.
On the surface, I would say that yes, you over reacted, but then so did he. If there is more going on here than the question suggests, that may account for it.
Your bf has gone to a work's Christmas party. What difference does it make how many woman work there? Don't you trust him? If you do, it doesn't make any difference. If you don't, it would only need one attractive woman to work with him, for you to have an issue about it. It seems very passive aggressive to tell him to go and have a good time, but be home by 8:30 and don't do anything to hurt me. The party only started at 7pm, by the time everyone has arrived and sat down its going to be 7:30. That gives him an hour to eat his food (3 courses!) and get home to you. That's pretty unreasonable to me.
I understand that if he's said to you that he'd be home by 8:30, it was very rude not to have let you know that he was staying later. That was a screw up on his part. Having said that, he's an adult and you're not his mother. A quick text to say it's going on longer or that he's heading off with friends should have been enough. When you called him at 11pm and found out he was still with friends, that's fine you know where he is.
I find it weird that when he gets home at whatever time and finds the bed not slept in, that his first drunken thought is that you've left him. Have you walked out before? It just seems random that after 5 years together and with a sick mother and friend, his first thought when you weren't home, was that you'd left him.
The other strange thing to me, your mum's been rushed to hospital at midnight and you're still looking at a 6am coach trip?
At the end of the day, your boyfriend's been an arse. He should have let you know that he was going to be late. At the same time, he should be able to go out for his work's Christmas do, without a curfew. He needs to work on being more understanding and you need to give him some more space and trust him. If you don't trust him, why are you with him?
I'd let this go, accept his apology and give him an apology of your own.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (5 December 2015):
 You could have gone with him couldn't you. Was it a surprise when he got plastered? Anyway he said he was selfish and offered to go to the market despite his hangover.
I think you need to build a little slack in your relationship. He doesn't normally behave like this you tell us so are you going to let this colour the whol;e of Christmas and New year?
Basically he messed up but is sorry. He owes you one.
Now stop being upset and carry on like nothing happened.
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