A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:One week before school let out in May he told me he loved me, but then took it back the next week and told me that if I wanted to break things off with him then that would be my choice. I was leaving for a summer job the next week and would not be able to see him for about 60 days. After talking for a while I found out that he was scared I would leave him and find someone else while I was away. (Also note, he was in a very bad 2 year relationship that ended 6 months before we started dating and he had to go through counseling). Well while I was away things went south, he got depressed and we didn't talk as much as before. It has gotten better since I got back but it is still not as much as it was in the beginning. (Not sure if that is normal relationship progression or not?) Well I am back but I am now 3.5 hours away from him because I am doing an internship until may (which will be around 1.7 months for us).He has a really hard time with the distance so I thought about maybe finding a place to work near him when I am done here, I tried talking to him about it and he said he wasn't ready to move in together yet. But if he gets into another contract in July with his current roommate it'll be another year until we can try again. I also cannot afford/nor want to live in the city alone. He said "he already went through that once" which I then said "stop comparing me to your ex," but he said he wasn't so I am confused there - he did live with her. I have tried to talk to him about why he doesn't want to move in together and he wont tell me. He keeps ignoring me or just says "Good Night Dear."Here are some other things that have happened since I got back from my summer job...Any time I say "I love you," he says "I know you do." He never says "I love you too." He did once when I came back and I told him "please don't say it unless you mean it, last time hurt."I told him about a job opportunity in Ohio I could apply for and he said he didn't want to go with me because he just got a really good paying job, but he would "break up with me because he held me back and I should do what I want in life." When he was drunk one time after this he broke down and told me that I was the only "person who never gives up on him even when he tries to release me from him." That I am the only person who has always been there for him. But he only opens up like this when drunk.He has also buried himself in his video games, even when I am over he likes to play instead of cuddle like he use to but he uses it as a stress relief and he is so stressed right now. The stress also plays into his lack of communication. (Stress at work, his suicidal roommate, and his dad is in a long term care facility now). So...there is some of the picture, what do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe broke up with me
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (5 December 2015):
I think that he’s still dealing with a lot of issues, some of which relate to his current circumstances and some of which are a legacy of the bad relationship with the ex. He’s emotionally unavailable and unable to communicate his feelings properly. It’s funny how true to ourselves we can be after a few drinks. The biggest problem, though, is that he’s mentally shut himself down from engaging with the reality of being in a relationship, which is that there needs to be a sense of direction as to where it’s heading that works for both of you. You’re trying to think about when you might move together, how you’ll navigate work situations and so-on – the kinds of normal things couples have to talk about. He, on the other hand, is just letting things drift on and happen, without trying to constructively input in to what happens in the future to you as a couple and consequently to his life decisions. It’s like he’s compartmentalised the relationship as one part of his life, but it doesn’t work like that. He says you’ve never given up on him, but I think you seriously have to ask yourself how you can go on with this kind of limbo where you never know where you stand (even on whether he loves you or not) and where you’re heading as a couple. I think sooner or later, you’ll have to try and get him to seriously work with you and talk through what you both want and what compromises it would require and whether this can be achieved or not. He also needs to be told that his dysfunctional communication has to change otherwise things will just stay as they are. Lastly, I think you have to be prepared for him not responding constructively to this and therefore having to walk away. Perhaps he just thinks people are going to hurt him and let him down so he pushes them away. He’s certainly freezing you out now. He may see any challenge from you that makes him feel uncomfortable as you operating your exit strategy, which is what he does when he says he wants to release you. If that happens, he’ll just dismiss you and probably the relationship. Ultimately, nice as it is to think you can prove him wrong and be his constant, he might just make it a self-fulfilling prophecy and you may just have to accept that and move on.
I wish you all the very best.
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