A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Firstly let me say this is the hardest thing I've ever had to write.I'm 22 years old, and, though it kills me to admit it, I'm finding myself falling in love with a girl of 14. I've known the girl in question since she was 9, when I met her family on holiday (I spent a lot of time with her older sisters on the holiday as they're closer to my age). At the time I saw her as just the baby sister, and developed a sort of older-brother bond with her.After the holiday I stayed in touch with the family and gradually began talking to the girl more often; particularly recently as I've spent an extended time in and out of hospital with medical problems. During this time I found myself looking forward so much to my daily chats with the girl over MSN. In the past few weeks this has extended to exchanging as many as 20-30 text messages in an evening, on top of talking online.Our conversations have become increasingly flirtatious, to the point where I can sense a definite tension between us.Luckily (I guess), she lives just over 80 miles away, and I'm not allowed to drive at the moment because of my current medical problems, so I have no way of visiting her at least until early next year.I would NEVER do anything to hurt her, and I would also NEVER consider a sexual relationship with her until she was both legally old enough and ready in her own mind to pursue something like that.While I'm not sure what her parents would say about the situation, I know mine would probably disown me for such a thing.I hate myself so much for feeling like this, and I don't even know how she feels about me. Everything about her I find amazing and wonderful, and it's a feeling I can't shake.Please, somebody give me some advice. I've fought this for as long as I can and I don't know what to do anymore. Do I tell her how I feel? Do I cease contact with her altogether?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): hi,
well i just wanted to say that 10 months ago i was 14 and i had developed very strong feelings for an older man, he was 19. From what i've gathered i thought he really liked me (even though he wasn't supose to because he is my brothers friend). a couple of weeks ago he went to uni and now i wont see him for a long time and i haven't texted him, i still feel strong feelings for him but since he has not contacted me i dont think he feels the same way about me and i'm trying to move on.
after reading your situation a small glimmer of hope inside of me has thought maybe he is in the same situation as you are, so i just wanted to ask you one question,
are you really ready to loose contact with someone you love with the chance that they might never be yours again?
it doesn't have to be physical, remember that. if you love her don't let her slip away... its your choice, good luck
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 September 2010):
 I think you need to ease off contact with her - dont cut contact all together but do ease off a good bit and stop the 20-30 texts per night. You can still be friends with her, but in order to stop these feelings you have for her you need to back off.
You clearly realise she is too young for you and you live too far away to form a real relationship with her, so let logic make the decision for you and just back off a bit and DO NOT tell her how you feel. At 14 she is just a child, she would be hugeley flattered that a 22 year old man is interested in her and she wont understand the implications of having a relationship with someone so much older than her. Young teens dont even really understand what relationships are about, they just get very intense crushes and often mistake infatuation for love. Think about your relationships when you were 14 - can you honestly say you were mature enough to handle a relationship? Did you understand the nature of love and relationships at 14? I bet if you are honest with yourself the answer is no.
It sounds to me like you are going through a tough time with your illness at the moment and she has been there for you in your time of need, and of course that bond is going to be very strong now. But as a 22 year old man think about where you life is going over the next few years. Surely you will be thinking about your career, you will want to get your own place if you have not already, you will want to find a woman to settle down with and start thinking about the future.
Whereas this 14 year old girl will be thinking about passing her GCSE's in 2 years time, maybe going to uni one day, her time will be made up of school, boys and her friends. She still has around 5-10 years of education and big decisions to make about her future - therefore she cannot in any way be the girlfriend you want and need because you could never plan a future with her.
When I was a teenage girl of 14 all I liked was horse riding, talking about boys with my friends, shopping and hanging out with my friends. I had no idea about where my life was going (despite thinking I wanted to be a horse physiotherapist!) and my life changed in so many ways between the age of 14 and 22 there is no way I could have even seriously committed to a relationship with anyone! Yes I had boyfriends at the time, all of whom I thought were the "one" and I was convinced I was going to marry them - but as I'm sure you know teenage love is so intense it often blinds you and you are not realistic about the future of relationships.
Think about your lifestyle now (without the illness) - I bet you like going to the cinema, going out for a drink, weekends away, holidays, going to gigs etc. And I presume you would want to share all this with your girlfriend? But if your girlfriend was 14 you could not do any of this! First of all she would have a curfew from her parents (and there is still no guarantee they would let her see you!) so you could not do much with her in the evenings, and I highly doubt they would let you take her away anywhere! You would struggle with the cinema as all she can see is 12 movies and below, so all the films that you want to see that are 15 or 18, she cant get into! You could not go out for a drink as she cannot legally drink alcohol, gigs would be problematic as she is young her parents would probably not let her go!
So your relationship would be long distance, confined to MSN and texts. Then when you could visit her (if her parents would let you) then all you would be able to do is maybe go shopping or for walks during the day, then at night I bet you would have to sit downstairs in the lounge with her parents ever present.
That is not a real relationship! And I'm sure that is not what you want aged 22, I know myself aged 23 the best bits of a relationship are when you get to spend time alone, going out for a nice meal together and sharing a bottle of wine, or going out to the cinema and watching a film. All of this would be so difficult for you, and it really is not worth it!
I'm sure you will say "oh but she is worth it, I dont mind all of that if I got to be with her". But that is just emotion there, really if you think about what you want from a relationship I bet she cannot give you most of it.
It is going to be hard for you and yes these feelings will persist for a while, but I am almost certain it is only circumstance that has created these feelings and this is not real love. I dont know what the illness is, or what the impact has been on your life - but my bet is that you are at home a lot more recovering, you are bored and a bit lonely, and she has been the perfect distraction from this tough time in your life. If you were out and about doing all the things you normally do or want to do, then you would not give her another thought. So she has just been a great friend during a rough time, nothing more. Dont confuse your appreciation of her friendship and having someome to talk to as actual romantic feelings for her.
She is just a great friend that you have come to really enjoy talking to, she is just an online/text friend so in your head she can be whatever you want her to be. But the reality of taking this further is so different, and you would only cause lots of trouble and pain.
No good would come of telling her how you feel, this is not a relationship you can ever pursue or one that would ever work out. So back off a bit, dont text her so much and dont spend so much time online. You will soon find if you dont have as much contact with her your feelings will soon fade away.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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