A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have been in a fairly good relationship for almost 5 years now, I love my girlfriend so much but she doesn't seem to appreciate it, lately things have started to go downhill, its been over 5 weeks since we have been intimate, we have had no sexual contact what so ever during this time, she says she just doesn't feel like it, but before this we where quite sexually active, we had a rather good sex life and nothing has changed or happened for her to make this change, and we have been arguing a lot since we stopped being sexually active, I blame sexual frustration but she thinks otherwise, every day I feel worse and worse inside, it hurts so much, this is the girl I want to be till we are old and gray, she is the girl of my dreams, also recently she has requested to have some space, but I don't see what this 'space' will do in order to enhance our relationship, I believe if we both work on it without the break, but she thinks otherwise, I'm worried she doesn't want me anymore, she doesn't seem to be bothered about how I feel and when I tell her how much she means to me it feels like she is ignoring it, I really need help, I'm in complete agony thinking I may loose her, what things can I do to make her feel special, how can I prove my love for her? Thanks.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 October 2011):
 ' I tell her our sex is the thing that fully connects us as a couple'...Therein lies your problem. Sex is NOT what connects you as a couple any more than a ring makes you married. Mutual respect, trust and affection are what connect a couple. Physical intimacy is merely an expression of that connection, like a ring is a SIGN that one is married.
Mutual respect, etc...etc... are the bridge. Sex is the act of walking along that bridge. You seem to think sex IS the bridge.
Just because you don't talk about making love every single day doesn't mean your girlfriend doesn't feel presure every single day. She knows how important it is to you and she also knows the survival of this relationship depends upon it. THAT is pressure. Before you tell me otherwise consider this; you'd be more inclined to turn a blind eye to other troubles between you as long as you were able to connect sexually.
A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (6 October 2011):
You have my sincere apologies. I was providing advice based on reasons why I had stopped wanting to be intimate with a previous partner and only wanted ensure that it wasn't something easily fixable like helping more with chores or showing affection regularly instead of only before making love.If you want to show her she's special by giving her a romantic day, you need to ask yourself, "what does she like.". Does she like theater or ballet? Is there a musical artist or band she absolutely loves that will have a show somewhere nearby that you could get tickets for? What about a day of pampering at a spa for her followed by a nice dinner at a restaurant that makes her favorite foods, followed by an evening going to a theatre, ballet, or concert?If she is more of an outdoorsy-type, perhaps hiking, horseback riding, a picnic lunch or dinner followed by picking pumpkins and a hay ride or carriage ride?What does she like, but rarely ever get to do?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): Thanks a lot people, you guys are such an inspiration giving your free time to help others, like me, my girl has said she wants to stay with me, but she just needs the space, so I guess I shall give her the space, but if she takes too long I shall have to end the relationship, I am not a second option and I will not let her rule me, everything I say she bites, takes everything to the worst. And Candit cally, I don't pester her for sex, sex isn't the most important thing in our relationship, even though it is a thing I enjoy, I tell her our sex is the thing that fully connects us as a couple, it is called making love for a reason, but she thinks I am bugging her when I try to talk about it, I wish she would just talk to me properly instead of taking it to the worse and thinking I am asking for sex the next time I see her but this is not the case, I just feel like I am being punished for something that I have not done, I have been supportive and on her side with everything, I am not mr perfect because I havnt been the perfect boyfriend in the first few years, but we split up and she told me why, I asked for another chance and I changed for the best, this worked out well, but I still feel as if I am not the package she is after, she enjoys the sex, and I do too, but I am still left in confusion of why she doesn't want to have sex anymore, when I try to talk about it she gets stressed, thanks everybody for your help, anymore advice would be really useful and I would be really greatful, the best advice I cud ask for is how I can make her feel special, and how could I prove my love for her, any ideas would be highly thanked, I need ideas on how I can plan a romantic day and night for us, money is no issue because there is no price tag for my love towards this girl.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (3 October 2011):
I'm afraid I have to agree with the previous response. Your girlfriend has outgrown this relationship. She hasn't officially ended it yet because she doesn't want to act in haste and regret it later (she wants space so she can think with a clear head) and she is reluctant to hurt you.
Begging her to stay is pushy and aggressive and it will only drive her further away. The best thing you can do is give her space and pray she decides to stay. Don't hang about indefinitely though. Put a time limit on it (you don't have to tell her that) and if things don't improve by then, end it yourself.
All this does not mean you did something wrong or that the you can do something to fix it. Sometimes people just grow apart and it isn't anyone's fault.
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (3 October 2011):
 In this situation, I'm sorry to say that you can only do one thing. That is to give her the space she has asked for. You have tried talking, working things out, reaching out to her but this has all been ignored. Therefore, she doesn't want this at the moment. Therefore, knowing that you have tried all this, you will have to give her what she wants and that is "space." It's no good reasoning with her or trying to buy flowers, dinner, theatre tickets et al. This will not help. Go along with the space and give her just that. And I'm telling you that once you give her the space you must not check in or phone her at all. Let her make all the moves. Any calls or suggestions you make will not help. It may be a sad, lonely and hard time for you at the moment but you must resist all urges to contact her. She wants space so give her it. Things may work out for the better or she may just be saying space to break up. But, give the space now or you will stay in this state of impasse. Hope all goes well.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 October 2011):
 Unfortunately, Deema's right. A "break" is pretty much a "breakup". She wants to break up, but the "break" part is usually to soften the blow.
You're 18-21? If she's the same age, and the two of you have been together for 5 years, then you both started dating between the ages of 13-16. That's pretty young.
I'm guessing that she is wondering what else is out there. I'm guessing that you are each other's first everything. Relationship, sexual experience, the whole nine yards. She's wondering what else is out there.
The reason she is resisting you is because when you tell her how much she means, or you try to pull her back to you, she feels smothered and wants to get away more. You're trying to avoid the break, so you're calling, contacting, pleading, grasping, trying to keep her with you. Truthfully, those things will push her away more because she feels trapped in your relationship.
Instead, you must do the opposite of what you feel like doing. You must instead tell her that the two of you should break up all the way. No half-measures, no "space", no "take a break". Leave no doubt that this is a finality.
Then, once you've broken up, CEASE all contact. Wish her well, get all of your stuff back from her and give her her stuff back as well. No texting, no calling, no emailing. Open the cage door and set her free.
You may think that this is not what you want, but I assure you that if you smother, grasp, plead, try to hold her down and in the relationship, you will *really* lose her with no hope of getting her back whatsoever.
And, I make no promises that if you break up with her that she'll return either, but the odds are slightly better that if you let her go and YOU move on and she sees what's out there, that there's a possibility that she might miss you and think about what she might have lost.
But I can promise that there will be less pain to you in the long run if you let her go. If she doesn't return, at least you can move on much faster than if you keep yourself and the relationship in limbo with these "breaks" and trying to hold onto someone who wants with all of their might to be free.
You've got to let her go. It feels wrong, but that's the only way. As long as you keep trying to hold onto her, you are closer and closer to losing her forever.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (3 October 2011):
From a woman's standpoint: if she is not interested in sexual relations with you and she has told you she wants space she is obviously upset about something.For her, this is not just about sex, nor is it about how you feel about her. It seems like you are almost pestering her to get her in bed with you. If you've been telling her how much you love her, how you can't live without her etc. with making a move on her or trying to get her in bed, then there is a good possibility that she feels used. Like you only love her when you get what you want from her.You need to take a long careful look at your relationship, especially the past few months. Has she been incredibly stressed out? Has she asked you to help with certain things and you haven't? Do you spend hours playing video games or online while she is expected to cook, clean, and look after you? (if she is working or going to school and then comes home and does these things for you while you play, she will become resentful.) Are you selfish in the bedroom, or do you ensure her needs are met too? Do you have good hygiene? Did you forget her birthday or your anniversary? Were you insensitive when she tried to converse with you about something that was troubling her? Do you tell her you will do something for her or together with her and then make excuses instead of keeping your promises? Do you show her affection throughout the day, or only when you want to have sex?Any of these things alone or in combination can turn a woman's love into resentment. Take a good look at yourself, see if there are any things you can change about yourself, and make an effort to actually show this woman on a daily basis that you do truly love and care about her. Any one can say they love and can't live without another person, but a true lasting relationship is built on the actions of expressing that love in little ways: affection without expecting sex, fulfilling her needs in the bedroom, doing household chores as needed, romantic surprises like flowers, or having a nice meal ready for her...
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (3 October 2011):
 Darling, I'm sorry to tell you that wanting space is usually a person saying I want out but I don't know how to tell you. I wanted space 4 times before I had the courage to make the final choice. I wasn't quite ready till the 5th time, and then it was final. Unfortunately my needing space was also due to his bad behaviour at the time. It would have been better if I took my space and stuck to it first time, but like I said I wasn't ready. Its hard to give up on love. Also the not wanting intimacy is a sign things have changed. Its usually one of the first things to go. I also did that. Just like you we went from being all loved up to me not really wanting that kind of relationship at all. A sure sign to me that the relationship was over. I hope I'm wrong and you get it sorted. Just offering my experience. Your decision in the end. Best wishes.
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