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male
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*arry
writes: this is a weird situation. me and my girlfriends breakup seems like its become inevitable. like 3 weeks ago me and her got into a big arguement. at a party, so we were both kinda drunk. after that we made up. but now she says that i told her that i didnt know why i love her, and why i would want to be with her at all. now last night on the phone we got into it again. she told me she thinks that i dont know why i love her, so i said that i'll try as hard as i can to prove it to her. her response was "i hope you have alot of energy then." we are both defintely in love, as that is one of the things we talked about in the arguement. what do i do? i haven't talked to her all day, but this is terrible. i can't continue a relationship if she is telling me that i can't prove that i know why i love her. PLEASE HELP!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006): I couldn't agree more with Bev.
Your chick is on a power trip and trying to make you beg and plead for her.
She needs to grow up and realise that people don't need to "prove" their love with gifts or carry on. People show and express their love in less tangible, every day ways like being caring, responsible, committed, loyal, honest, trusting and this builds up over time.
Don't let her walk over you! It's manipulative, silly and childish.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (2 February 2006):
 Wow, I read this totally differently from the fellers.
I see your girlfriend doing a complete power-trip on you, kicking you when you're down, and using the fact that you feel on the back foot to wring every drop of affection out of you.
That could turn ugly.
I think that the harder you try to "please" her with gifts, the more she's going to demand. She knows that she blindsided you with her challenge, and if you play along, she'll just keep upping the ante, because I doubt this is about presents and objects.
I suggest a completely opposite tack. What she wants is just reassurance that you love her. The reason she wants to know "why" (and, no, it doesn't really matter why) is because she wants details that she can replay to herself when she feels insecure. Men don't tend to say things like "When I first saw you, I thought you were too sexy to go out with somebody like me"... but women love to hear those things.
I think that this is really what this challenge is about.
In your situation, I'd be sitting down and writing her a long letter about -- brace yourself, you'll hate this -- your FEELINGS. In the letter, tell her about what you thought when the two of you first met, about all the ways you thought about asking her out, and what an incredible prize you felt that you'd won when she said yes. Tell her about where you two were and what you were doing when you realised you loved her and that she was the only woman for you, how hot she is in the sack (not too graphic), and how you've never thought of another woman since you've been together, etc etc etc.
Get the picture? She wants you to tell her all the wheres and whys and whats of your romantic feelings, so go ahead and tell her. Put it all down in a couple of (handwritten) pages, in your own words, something that she can open up and re-read a thousand times when she's sad or upset, and remind herself that you DO love her. "See?" she can say, holding your words. "Here's the proof."
Try not to let this turn into a present-orgy, because I really don't think that's the issue. If she wants a diamond ring and a new Lexus, let HER buy them. Put your effort into telling her about your feelings for her instead, and I feel that you'll get through this.
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (2 February 2006):
 I fully agree with Dazzer.
Kidnap a penguin from a local zoo (or order it over the Internet; you can actually do this nowadays I believe) and give it to her on valentines day.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (2 February 2006):
 I think some kind of gesture and a pretty grand one is called for here. She is looking to be reassured about the depth of your feelings for her and to do that you will really need to push the boat out. Show you have made the effort for her and to make her feel special. It has to be something you do as well because words often dont cut it in these situations.
I would suggest making the effort to giving her something that she either likes or to your mind sums her up and is symbolic of why you love her. Think of a personality trait that is unique to her and makes her special. Obviously not knowing her it is hard for me to advise on that.
In general terms I would advise something very romantic. Candlelit meal followed by rose petals on the bed kind of thing. Hope that helps.
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