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*dawg304
writes: Hi all,To anyone reading, thanks for taking the time, and sorry for the long rambling nature but it all relates to the situation...But can anyone tell me what the situation is here?Last year i was wandering through a chatroom, not something i made a habit of, but i was looking for advice on a sporting injury and was in a sport related room...when a girl started talking to me. We hit it off and really enjoyed talking and carried on...and it seemed like there was something there...but having never met, who knows. She had just suffered a major loss, and it seems that i helped her through a very dark time in her life....because of her loss she dropped out of college, was struggling in a poorly paid hard job to pay rent, and live...but we kept talking, even though sometimes she almost seemed to reject how much i cared about her - i've read that this is often the case when someone is suffering from tremendous grief. She was emotionally fragile. After about 4 months she moved, but couldn't afford internet at her new place..she contacted me when she visited her family home upstate (she is in the USA...I am in the UK) as there was internet there...and she'd missed talking to me. she thought i was 'exceptional'. now i also know she'd had a few dates, and even was seeing a guy for 2 weeks till he ditched her when he got what he wanted. very harsh and not what she deserved.Time passed, and we remained in contact, and close friends, though she when she was stressed or depressed she would often seem to push me away or ask why i cared - again i know this is often a symptom with grief or depression, a fear of letting anyone close, and i knew she had been very deeply affected. But i had come to genuinely care for her, we talked with webcams, on the phone, even voice thru yahoo messenger. and after 10 months i went over to the states to visit a large and famous city a couple of hours drive from her. she'd since moved back home for a couple of months before returning to school, for financial reasons.Anyway, nervous as i was, we met up. And it was the happiest few days of my life...we clicked instantly, like we'd been best friends for years, a lifetime...we had a couple of days in the city, then went back to her family home where i met her mom. I stayed there a couple of days. We went for walks, sat in front of the tv watching films with her head on my chest, held hands, walked arm in arm....the night we were in the hotel in the city we even slept in the same bed cuddled up, tho fully clothed and i didn't take it to mean anything more than her wanting the comfort of touching someone she knew she could trust, who cared about her. She kissed my cheek on a few separate occasions. She behaved very affectionatly...and me...well i returned it but i held back from making any romantic move, because i was far from home, and i wasn't sure if she was just being a very affectionate friend or not. The way she was staring at me when we were on the sofa watching a romantic film, i should have thought otherwise....And then i came home. it was hard. we'd had such a great time, being together was so comfortable, so natural. i think she'd cried that morning before i left. When i got home and we talked online, she'd left messages every hour saying where she thought i'd be...saying she missed me. And we spoke, and she'd said she wanted me to kiss her. And she said meeting had been great, she'd had a great time, and that now she'd met me she thought i was cute inside and out....and for a few days she still maintained that sort of approach tho we never overtly said anything. She asked how i was going to beat up any guys who bother her, she liked me telling her how pretty she was...she said i looked cute in the pictures i was sending from the trip...she said she really wants to come visit me in the UK as soon as she could, money and studying permitting.Then she returned to college for the first time since dropping out. the middle of the first week we talked...and she said she wanted to ace her papers, wants to succeed in school and with her career, isn't sure if she's ready for a serious relationship (tho i hardly think we had enough time together to decide that)...she said we love the heck out of each other but she feels like she's on a mission. she's basically said i'm her best friend...and she did feel something romantic when we were together...and obviously did for several days after...even when she'd started school...but it was the middle of that week, once the homework had started, she said all this and seemed to back off - yet still very much wants to come see me as soon as she can - a trip of 3500 miles.Now, she's much like me. She doesn't have a large number of close friends - in fact i think i'm the closest to her, outside her family, strange as that may sound. She says things like she thinks i saved her, when she was going through her darkest time. I know she loves me (with a small 'l'), and i adore her...since we met in person i think there's a closeness which wasn't there before...and i don't think that will ever go. She's focussed on her studies, i know, and when she takes breaks from homework she seems to come talk to me instead of 'real' people. She's not a party animal, tho of course she socialises - but she said most people are acquaintances rather than friends, mostly she does homework, has a little job and running, keep fit etc. I know she was nervous about moving back to college as she likes having her own place, but for money reasons was moving into a house with 5 other people - and wasn't looking forward to not having her own space + privacy.So...can her feelings have changed between tueday and wednesday? Is she scared of it all because she felt so much when we were together, then i was gone and she missed me...and what with the distance, and the studying she needs to do before she can see me again - is she backing off till we get to meet again? Or is she saying there will never be more than friendship? She's said she had a great great time...and nothing will change our closeness. And still wants to cross an ocean to see me once studying is out of the way. And she seems to have hinted in other ways, she's not looking for a guy over there (like the use of certain, uh, items lol). Girl friends and relatives i've spoken to say they don't think her feelings will have changed so fast, but that she's probably hesitant because i'm far away, and her studying, which is important to her, is in the here and now.I know I mean a lot to this girl....but i'm so confused...and i can't help thinking about it. I want the next 3.5 months till her semester ends to go quickly so i'll see her again...but then i think well there's plenty of chance for her to meet someone else. Even tho i know she's busy studying, and she's afraid of getting hurt because she hasn't had a lot of luck with guys treating her right. Not that I wouldn't wish her happiness - i care so much about her, i want her to be happy whatever, and i know we'll always be friends.Anyway sorry for the length...but i guess it's a complicated situation! (or not depending on personal opinions!)
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reader, gdawg304 +, writes (2 February 2006):
gdawg304 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell just an update to get out of my system lol
Hadn't spoken to her for a couple of days...so i left my PC logged in when i went to bed...woke up during the night she;d left messages and gone back to her homework, but left her PC logged in too, i left more messages, went back to bed, this morning she left some more and she's left her pc logged in while she sleeps. I don't know...it's nice that she does that i guess. Feels more like we're in contact somehow.
Anyway she's got onto a rowing team in college, made a new girl friend, who she's going out with tonight...things sound like they're going great for her...after the year she's had, since losing her father and onwards....she deserves it and I'm so happy for her. The last year was so bad...she's actually said more than once (last week most recently) that she thinks i saved her...which sounds a bit heavy really lol. But I guess now things are starting to go well, living the college life and all...a little part of me, that i try to shut up, is scared she'll forget me. She's going out with girl friends, on sports team...well who knows what mischief they'll get up to, that kind of thing. I know it's foolish and not constructive - and if i was being positive i'd think to myself, her feelings can't have changed so fast, maybe she's partly filling her time up too to distract from whatever my visit stirred up that made her uncomfortable when I came back to the UK. And I know i need to get my own time and life here just as filled with distractions and hope she still visits me at the end of the semester...
Oh, one thing i never mentioned is I'm 26, she's 23 (a little older than usual for college, she changed courses and then stopped for 8 months)
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (2 February 2006):
 You are welcome. I would be wary of dating somebody else purely to preserve yourself. A) you wont be really into it and it wouldnt be fair on that other person b) the problem is your fear becomes a self-fufilling prophercy, if she sees you dating around she will probably respond in kind and then you end up hurt. Precisely the situation you wanted to avoid and were afraid of in the first place.
As has been said concentrate on your life here and be open to new possibilities, dont close yourself off however i feel that you are very determined to win this girl to be your lover. Keep in touch with her, be there for her in spirit if not in body at this hard time and she will appreciate it. I really do hope it works out for you two.
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A
male
reader, gdawg304 +, writes (2 February 2006):
gdawg304 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Dazzerg...yes maybe she is just trying to stop herself getting hurt...i know i would never hurt her but i guess she needs time with me to find that out..i think she has a good idea that i wouldn't on purpose, but things happen and she seems afraid of losing anyone (she lost her father just under a year ago...so i know the next month will be particularly tough as that anniversary is coming up). We were so close when we were together. I've told her how much i care though I haven't used the three magic words including the big L....but i've told her i love her to bits, and she knows that i like her as more than a friend...but also that i'm not predatory, and that i'm genuine fond of and care about her. I know i won't meet anyone else - maybe i shouldn't close my eyes to other opportunities as people say to me...but this girl is magic.
She's busy with studying...yesterday was the first day since i returned when she hasn't left a message, so of course i panic! I know i need to keep busy myself - having just finished some study, i am looking for work (which involves long periods sat in front of the PC sending job apps...the same pc which i use to chat to her, of course!). So it's very frustrating, and her backing off has confused me...the ironic thing is, it's made me think - what if she meets someone, maybe i should date too to stop myself getting hurt too much if SHE does...but if she had said she wanted me i would never look at anyone else (well i don't even want to anyway now!). Just a long game of patience to get through the next 3.5 months till she comes over. I suggested she come at the end of term instead of study break, so she could stay longer and relax without homework etc - she agreed that made sense tho i think she wants to see me earlier if possible - so do I! but it would be great if she can come stay for 2 or 3 weeks instead of a rushed week with homework to do!
So i need to find a job asap and a lot of new hobbies!
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (1 February 2006):
Hiya :). No need to apologise for the length, as you say it was justified. And yes, it is a complicated situation.
I think you meeting changed the level of emotional investment that you have in the relationship and that is the root cause of your fear. Before you meet you say that she had a guy for like two weeks and it doesn't seem to bother you but now you are afraid she will meet someone in the period until you next meet.
All the factors you cite could indeed be the cause of her weriness. Indeed if you combine them all then I think that you do have a coherent picture of somebody who is maybe backing off just a smidge for no other reason than self-preservation. I cant help but think she probably wonders the same thing as you, if you will get somebody else in the UK before you next meet.
In terms of advice there is little that you can do practically until you meet again. When you have met you may well feel the need to discuss how you are feeling at the end of that meeting depending on how it goes and how the land lies. Keep in contact as much as you can and enjoy the time you have together even if it is only online and try and look at every time you talk as being one step closer until when u actually meet again. Hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Claire1 +, writes (1 February 2006):
It seems like a frustrating situation due to the distance, you must just want to have a proper talk with her once and for all to clarify the relationship but it's difficult when she lives so far away. You may want to try and concentrate on your own life here, join new clubs, try a new sport or hobby, go away with your own mates on a mad holiday, just keep busy. Keep in touch with her of course and let her know how strongly you feel, but leave it at that and concentrate on your own life here. Or, perhaps you could get a work placement in America for 6 months and live with her, see how your relationship develops, or she could come here for 6 months. This would give you both time to see how each other feels and if either of you are ready to make a commitment of leaving your own countries behind to start a new life together, if it gets to that level. At the end of the day, you need to concentrate on your own life over here, just incase things don't necessarily work out, or she meets someone else, or you may meet someone else here! Tell her that you want this situation sorted once and for all and you want to know how she feels, but please concentrate on your own life in this country. If it's meant to be, it will happen. Good luck to you.
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