A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my partner for 3 month weve not yet had sex, I've ask her and she says she's not ready. Anyway I've just found out she had a one night stand with a guy in our local pub about 6 months ago. What gives? I'm confused and pissed off. This guy who's more handsome than me grins at me every time I go for a beer.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008):
No self-respecting man wants to pay twice as much for a house as the seller was recently offering it to someone else.
Is it supposed to make a man feel better when the seller insists that she thinks more highly of him than the other buyer, and that's why she wants him to pay twice as much?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): I find it easier to be physical with people that I have little emotional investment in. If you haven't given a lot of yourself to someone emotionally, they can't hurt you very much. You also have no expectation that they are going to respect you or care for you. Basically its a way of playing it emotionally safe because you are expecting the worst. She probably really cares for you and is terrified of giving you everything for fear of losing you. She's probably been hurt before.
Also, since this sounds like a local pub, its entirely possible that she got uncharacteristicly drunk one night and he took advantage of her state, something you, in actually caring for her, wouldn't do.
This is something that happened ONE TIME. We've all had poor judgement at sometime or another.
I highly, highly doubt his looks had anything to do with her decision.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 I respect everyone else's posts, as I think they offer complementary points of view. The poster might make his own summary and decide what to do. I just would like to add something: personally, I think it would be very bad to ask her about her one-night stand, how she felt about it, et cetera. I would be upset if someone asked me those questions, particularly because at the time the girl wasn't with the poster. And that is a very sensitive issue, anyways. What women likes to be reminded that she had a one-night stand? I wonder if there's a woman who won't take it as a way to tell her she's bad.
I would talk to her and tell her my own point of view, and would ask her to explain. I definitely agree that it has to be done in a non-recriminatory manner. Something like "Dearest, you know I love you, and I don't understand what happens here."
I think this post is beneficial for women also. I think it's important by way of communication: I assume that the poster's girl thinks she is communicating perfectly well, and that certainly isn't the message we men get. I also think the poster believes he's just telling it like it is, and he is not understood.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): That would annoy me too. I guess my perspective on this is more the super realist somewhat pessimistic type BUT I found out a long time ago that whatever one guy (or girl, in your case) won't do with me or for me, he most definitely will always do for somebody else. That's a fact of life. That is why one should always go into relationships with certain standards and expectations that you set and that you won't tolerate less than. And if that person doesn't meet these standards then you move on. That's what's great about dating. You can feel someone out before you actually commit to anything serious. Dating is good cause its easy to walk away. That way you can weed out all the people that don't make you feel as special as you should feel. And in this case, well you have tolerated it for a while now and 3 months later come to find out that she's done for another guy what she won't do for you. I know it stings but its not a big deal. Its like falling down and scraping your knee, you just stand right back up, dust it off and keep going. We've all been there. I think you should move on. You WILL eventually meet someone who will put you on a pedestal and adore you.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (21 March 2008):
 There's one of only two options here re: her feelings:
Either:
She really regrets the one night stand - it made her feel bad, and now she's preserving herself in a virginal state because that way she feels good about herself and you - ie, she genuinely isn't ready yet
Or:
She doesn't fancy you enough.
I think you need to talk (nicely, understandingly, senstively, etc - not in any kind of recriminatory way) with her about the one night stand. That will tell you a lot. And also tell her you feel bad about yourself because it feels like she doesn't want you sexually. See what she says. It will either open the floodgates about the one night stand, and how bad she felt, or she won't make a big deal about it, and she still won't sleep with you - in which case, she ain't for you, because she doesn't find you attractive enough. A tough choice, I know, but you need to know, I think.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): If you live in a close community it sounds like your problem as got back to the local stud. Women often compare notes and this information is required to filter back to the local stud. Its no mistake your woman had a onenight stand, she slept with this man to boost her female ego.Theres a blanket conspiracy when it comes to one night stands, but you ask any of the guys that participate and they will often tell you they can go back anytime and often do.I would look for another woman, she is being cruel by using sex as a source of power over you, like a carrot and stick.Egg
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): This is probably a good thing, because it shows she's changed since then! She's probably learnt, and now wants to take things more slowly. This might seem like a strange thing to say, but it makes her less likely to ever rush into things with other guys or cheat. So think of it this way. And she obviously finds you more attractive, because she's WITH you, and he was just a cheap shag (excuse me) by the sounds of it to be honest! Just wait for her to be ready for sex with you, and when you do, I'm sure it will be all you've ever wanted. Good luck :]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Value the relationship more then the physical aspect of the relationship? I guess that mean she only sees you as a friend.
In the mean time, it maybe better you find a new place to have a beer.
Without the two of you discussing it, you will never know, and if she doesn't want to discuss anypart, such as was mentioned how she felt about herself after this guy, then you might be seeing your future, where she doesn't always fill you in what is going on with her. This could pose problems for you later if your the sensitive, connected type guy, a woman who doesn't talk of feelings probably never will.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): He's more handsome so he has to put in less effort. Get used to it, its the way of the world.
He knows he can have her anytime thats why he's smiling so much. She's stringing you along man, you will never command any respect from this woman. All women make out one night stands were a mistake to make the man feel good. What they really should say is, he was drop dead gorgeous so i shagged him, but i would feel insecure in a relationship with him because other women would be after him.
Try finding a woman that doesn't do one night stands
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (21 March 2008):
Hadn't seen Irish49's post when I wrote mine. Guy, you're getting la creme de la creme here (I'll be glad if you can think of me as whey).
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (21 March 2008):
I think I see your point. Maybe what makes you angry is that she was willing to have sex with someone who was a passerby, and obviously didn't love her, but then she won't have sex with you, though you do have feelings for her. You care for her, take her for dinner, dates, whatever, so you feel you're love for her is more than proved. And, logically, you want your love to show. If I'm right, I see why it hurts. But that doesn't mean she will sleep with you.
We have a hard time understanding women, and this seems to be one of those times. I think Dearkelja and Tisha-1 are giving us (I'm included in this) good insight. maybe she values the relationship as more than physical, so she doesn't rush for sex. Perhaps she's afraid you would see her as "a several nights stand", if you understand me. Yep, you, Johny Mnemonic, Hulk Hogan and I wouldn't think that way (Liberace would, I'm sure), but (maybe) this is how she sees it. We would think that sex would make the relationship stronger, but, if she is one of the parties to the relationship, and she doesn't see it that way, well, be patient. Women understand women and I have extensive proof that Tisha-1 and Dearkelja are very, very good at understanding things. You can't force her to have sex if she doesn't want to.
If I were that guy, I would also grin at you. You seem a nice person, and I wouldn't think that my sleeping with someone would mean I can't be nice to you. Don't take it as a personal insult. Maybe you feel that the guy is thinking something like "Yep, you loser, I slept with her and you haven't", but I'm not sure that's the point, because he wouldn't know whether you have slept with your girl or not. And then I think that if he were this kind of man, HE would be feeling bad: "that ugly guy over there is sleeping with MY girl".
By the way, I always think that ugly guys get the girls. Don't believe me?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): DearKejia brings up a great point. Have you ever asked her, how this one night stand made her feel about herself? I think that is is important to discuss this with her. You don't need details of the act itself, but you want her thoughts, on why she did it. This is just a guess. but I am wondering if perhaps, she made a real regretful, dumb decision to have a one night stand with this man, 6 months ago. If she was a single and there was a sexual attraction, at that moment..some good people blindly go against their value system and do this. They make a mistake. Only to regret it later.
So here you are with a female who won't give up the 'goods' to you and this has you feeling 'left out'. It appears you and she have different goals here. Your goal is to have sex with her. Her goal is to wait to have sex, because she wants a solid relationship built on something , much more meaningful, than just sex. This is more of a value within her, than a goal. I think you have a female there, who found out that 'one night ' stands are not for her and she realizes her mistake. Perhaps she has got back on track, and decided to 'prize' herself, over the pull of hers and your sexual urges. It's likely this will be a temporary thing, but you should be opening the channels of communication here and respecting her for that choice. I think you will get there, don't rush it or pressure her. If she means anything to you, and you care deeply...you will wait and she is perhaps making sure of that before she has sex with you. So I wish you both the best, hang in there...and good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 It could mean that she regrets the one-night stand so much that she's still feeling upset and hurt about it and doesn't want to make a mistake with you. He could have lied to her and deceived her about what his intentions were.
It could be that she's realized the mistake was one that has serious repercussions to her self-esteem, and that if she goes ahead with sex with you, you drop her, the next guy will get to ask her, 'hey, you've had sex with two guys, why not with me?"
How did you find out, and have you talked with her about it in a calm and loving manner?
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (21 March 2008):
 It's a good sign that she told you she's not ready. It means she values this relationship for more than a physical connection. She may not feel good about her one night stand either. More handsome than you is not relevant at all to the situation. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and she's beholden with you. When men don't treat us right we could never think they were handsome. As for him grinning at you, either grin back (cuz after all you have the girl) or find another pub.
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