A
male
age
26-29,
*ucasscrewsup
writes:I'm a senior in high school and I found out a few days ago that my gf is pregnant ! I didn't except my parents to take the news well but I didn't except it to go as bad as it did either.My parents are strict and put a lot of focus on school and basketball. I'm pretty much guaranteed a basketball scholarship for college and had planned to go to school to take psychology . When I told my parents that I was going to be a dad they gave me two options, tell my to have an abortion or leave her. They said if I wanted to a parent then I would have to move out and they would not be willing to help me finically even for school.My gfs parents have offered to let me move in as long as I continue to go to school. I want to be there for my gf and my child but I don't know how. How do I support a child when I can't support myself ? How do I go to school and be a dad?I pretty much ruined my life but is there any way of fixing it ?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 February 2014):
 I think your parents will soften with time. They are being unfair in that they can't mandate an abortion and telling you to leave your GF is nuts if it's the only other option because you will still always be responsible for the child if she keeps it.
Advice here: move in with your gf's parents (accept that you have to go to a spare room if that's the rule) go to school accept their help and mature response. Your parents are reacting from shock... they will soften over time.
as for what to do... IF you and GF can't bear an abortion (and I would as the mother of either sex child strongly speak with the young lady about why I think it's a good plan to have one) then you have two other options
birth and raise this child and accept that you will probably end up as a NON-couple sharing the parenting and raising of a child
OR
Follow though as parents, birth this child and give the child the greatest gift you can by letting an established married infertile couple adopt the child.
IF the girls parents are young enough and willing, they could also be the parents to this child but then your gf would be the aunt and that might be hard.
While I understand your issue about abortion, consider what is the BEST thing for YOUR CHILD. do not be selfish.
time will heal your parents... and many other things.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 February 2014):
 Well, you were man enough to have sex and create this baby, so you have to be man enough to step up to the plate. The best way for you to go about that is exactly what your gf's parents suggested - you move in with them and go to college. Once you graduate, you find yourself a suitable career and settle your family. In the meantime, they will help you out. Your gf's parents have a good attitude and a good plan. I suggest you follow that.
The best thing you can do for this baby is make a future for yourself.
By the way, you didn't ruin your future. A child is an amazing blessing. However, it will make your life much more difficult than it would have been otherwise. be prepared to face those difficulties.
Good luck. All will turn out in the end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): I agree with your parents. You are way, way too young to have a child. Yes, sometimes people make situations like this work, but that's the exception to the rule. If I were in your girlfriend's shoes, I wouldn't think twice about getting an abortion. But you say that's not an option. In that case, please consider adoption. Don't try to raise a child while you're still a child (and believe me you are). That's not fair to anyone, especially not the child. You say your girlfriend's parents are supportive. Does that mean they are willing to adopt their grandchild or does that just mean they'll help out? There's a big difference between the two. My advice to you is to put the child up for adoption, go to college and live a full life before you raise children. You are too young to be anyone's father.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): These things happen all the time, and you didn't ruin your life. Your parents are probably in shock right now and later things may change and you might find them supporting your decision. For now, live with her family and try to be as helpful as you can. I give you a great deal of credit for standing by what you believe and in wanting to be there for her and the baby. Just take one day at a time, things have a way of working out.
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A
male
reader, Lucasthescrewup +, writes (5 February 2014):
All of this happened last Thursday. My parents said if I was going to stay with my gf and raise a baby I could leave. Her parents were upset but said they would rather see both of us finish school then making the situation worse. They said I could stay there rent free under their rules which meant not missing school, or basketball, following their curfews etc. my gf and I both decided even though this wasn't our plan, abortion just isn't for us. Yes I know I should have used a condom but I didn't and I can't change that now. I know it was stupid. Today after school I went over to see my parents along with my gf and her parents and they gave me the same options. When I Said that we wanted to keep the baby they helped me pack my things. It was hard but I guess it is what it is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): You didn't ruin your life, you changed it's direction and changed it to one your parents disapprove of, no big deal. With all due respect, fuck them. The greatest lesson they've taught you is to be nothing like them, so learn that lesson well.
Nobody is expecting you to support the child just yet. Her parents have offered to have you stay and if she decides to keep the child then what's you should do.
You're then going to have to get a part time weekend job aswell as stay in school and do your best to pay your way in her parents home.
This is all assuming your parents don't come around which they probably will. But frankly OP I'd stand up to them if I were you, tell them what's going to happen with your child rather than let them dictate what you should or should not do. No parent should ever abandon their child just because they've taken a path that is different from what they envisaged and well if you're going to be a father you have to learn to stand up for yourself and your family against those who would seek to destroy it, which is what your parents are doing.
For now don't worry too much, start making a plan. Get in contact with any and all family planning, unplanned parenthood, teen parents groups you can and let them help you. Canada is like Ireland in that respect there are a tonne of agencies and charities that will help you.
Congratulations on being a father by the way, it might seem it now but it's a wonderful thing. Just do your best by your child and girlfriend and instead of feeling scared, go into action mode and be a guy who gets shit done.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): "My gfs parents have offered to let me move in as long as I continue to go to school. I want to be there for my gf and my child but I don't know how. How do I support a child when I can't support myself ? How do I go to school and be a dad?"
First off, take your girlfriend's parents up on their offer, and follow-through with their conditions.
You'll have the benefit of having a place to stay, their support, and you'll be giving your own parents time to settle-down. They are angry, disappointed, and frustrated that you took no precautions. You were reckless and sexually irresponsible with your life. Not only yours, but that young girl's as well. I don't blame them one bit. Nor should you.
Not only did you affect your life, you've changed the life of a young lady. Her young and developing body has to sustain the life of a fetus. She is not totally an adult, or a fully-developed female. So at her age, there are a lot of possible complications with pregnancy.
You are both responsible. You both know how to have sex; so you know what a condom is.
You also know that sex makes babies. Both sets of parents have a right to be totally furious with both of you. That is the first reaction to the shock. They will change. They will also love the baby; should your girlfriend not chose to abort the child. They will not be out-done by her parents; when it comes down to parenting. Trust me on that.
They're kicking you out solves nothing. It was an over-reaction and quite cruel. It was done without taking many things into consideration. However; it is not an unusual reaction for parents. There were times when you would be forced to marry the pregnant girl, and support her on your own. With nobody's help. Your parents had high-hopes for you. Remember through all of this; that they love you very much. Don't think they don't. If they didn't care about you, they wouldn't be so angry. They would just nonchalantly ignore it all.
Your parents are giving you the most serious consequences for your misdeed. They want you to understand the magnitude of your actions. How it is going to effect your future, your girlfriend's future, and now it will limit some of your opportunities; because as a parent, you must make sacrifices. You may lose your scholarship. You'll now have some financial responsibility; because it was your sperm that made all this happen. So you are now expected to contribute to the financial-support of a baby. Good luck!
Don't suddenly become a kid, now that you got a girl pregnant. You became a man when you decided to have sex.
So responsibility comes with that. You don't know how? Then I guess you've got a lot to learn. You opened that door.
As for getting an abortion? That's not up to your parents.
That young girl has to live with that decision for the rest of her life. You come out on the easy end. All you have to do is walk away. It will never effect you as deeply as that would emotionally affect her. It's not your choice either.
Although you'd want the easiest way out. All the moral and emotional weight comes down on her. It's her body, and it's inside her. Men will never know how this effects women.
They will never have to experience it from their perspective.
You don't know how to be a dad? Why didn't you consider that when you were having unsafe sex without a condom?
It is no doubt' 90% of the time the boy, who decides to have sex without a condom. It is 100% his responsibility to use one! Your excuses have absolutely no value. What's done, is done.
You need to learn the consequence the hard way. You threw caution to the wind. You decided sex was just something you do for fun, and all that mattered was getting off. Oh, you may love her. Now you have a chance to prove it. As far as her parents are concerned; they're not leaving it to chance that you will be there for their daughter. They are seeing to it, that will happen.
This is something that will follow you for the rest of your life. Don't expect an easy way out. You didn't consider anything before you decided to bring sex into your relationship at only 16.
Continue to get your education. You'll also get an early education in life; and a taste of fatherhood that you deserve. Don't worry about your parents. They'll come around. If they don't; then you'll realize how much you disappointed them. You'll survive in spite of it.
They upside to all of this is, you still have a set of supportive and more level-headed people willing to take care of you. I might remind you; their reasons for helping you at all, are purely selfish. Their daughter and her future means the world to them. They also care about you.
They have no intention of letting you just walk away.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (5 February 2014):
 The decision to have an abortion belongs to your gf, NOT your parents. They may want her to have one, but it's not something they can force her to do. What they are asking of you (basically, to pressure her into getting one by saying you'll leave her if she doesn't) is wrong as well. Yes, you are both very young to be having a child, but worse things happen and having an abortion she doesn't agree with mentally, emotionally and/or morally is something that could haunt your gf for the rest of your life.
I'm glad to hear your girlfriend's parents are more understanding. If they are serious about moving you in to finish your schooling, I would thank them sincerely and take them up on the offer. Being a father at your age WILL be a huge change for you and there's no getting around that, but if they have offered to let you live with the family it sounds like you won't be raising the child alone. You and your gf will be together with your child and the support of an extended household, all of whom (from the sound of things) want to see a good outcome.
You will definitely have a full schedule with school and sports but it should still be possible for you to get a part-time job to pay (some of) your bills. Rent is typically the biggest expense for a person living on his or her own but if your gf's family has opened their home to you that won't be a problem. Your gf is undoubtedly still covered by her parents' insurance so at least a portion of the medical expenses related to having a child should be covered as well.
You might check with the college or university you intend to study at and see if they offer work for students. Many schools try to employ students part time in their cafeterias, student stores, etc and are very flexible concerning scheduling because they understand that all their employees also have classes to attend, and that these classes take precedence over the part time work.
I know you are stressed by this unexpected news but if you do just ONE thing - keep your grades up. From the sound of your post you expect a scholarship but it's not a sure thing yet. It's very important that you do your best to secure that financial assistance since your parents are currently telling you they don't intend to provide any. You may also wish to speak to a college or high school counselor about your options for alternate or supplemental sources of funding for your education - grants, student loans, etc.
It's also worth noting that when your parents see you are committed to moving out, raising the child, and continuing to pursue your education, they will feel guilty for the horrible "choice" they gave you (as they should) and come around, although you can't count on this.
Hope this helps! Good luck and best wishes :)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 February 2014):
 Talk to a counselor, do you have one at shcool? A school nurse perhaps? Go together with your girlfriend. Go together with her to your doctor as well for the check-up, and get information.
I am not informed about the laws in your country, but I believe your parents are obligated to support you financially until you are 18, and they can't kick you out until you are 18 either. Because you are not yet considered an adult in the eyes of the law. However, this varies from country to country. But your doctor, or school nurse, or school counselor, will know. So ask, ask your teachers at school for help and guidance too. Call the local government administration and ask for help and advice in how to support yourself/your baby.
As for abortion, that is up to your girlfriend, not your parents. And, what good will leaving her do? Except to make her life worse? You will still be a dad, whether you leave her or not. That's just something your parents told you to scare you. Don't let them bully you.
As it looks to me, moving in with your gf and her parents looks like a great option. You will get to be there for her, and you will get a place to live rent free. Just be on your best behaviour at all times, because living with a new family will be challenging. Be respectful at all times, and get a part time job so you can save up money while going to school.
And do ask your teachers/school counselor for help and advice. They know the laws in your country, and surely, your girlfriend isn't the first ever teenager to get pregnant.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): Your parents (nor you) have the right to "tell" her to have an abortion! They want you to leave her because they want you to go to college, focus on school, and move on with your life. To them, they don't give a crap whether or not she carries the child full term, raises it and gets no help. It sounds like her parents are offering you to move in so you can go to school and continue on with your life. Hopefully, she gets to do the same. That sounds like the better option but it looks like you'll have to get more scholarships or try to get loans (hard at your age, because your parents would have to co sign and they may refuse).Since it sounds like you want to take some responsibility, bring that up to your parents. How about you leave for college, get a work-study or part time job and send the money to your girlfriend? She can get welfare assistance and probably a free education because when young ladies screw up, they tend to be rewarded that way. Or, you can take care of her medically but both of you put the child up for adoption or temporary custody to relatives until you're ready to raise the child together. Just please ,dont' decide to get married just because you knocked her up. I did that 15 years ago and while I'm divorced, I'm still suffering the consequences
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