A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My boyfriend of 3 years has been hinting that he wants to ask me to marry him. I love him, that is not a problem. My concern is that I am hard working and driven and I want to advance my career. He is more laid back, self employed, just does enough to get by and have free time for fun things. In a marriage I would be happy to pay for more than he does if my earnings are more than his. If we were to divorce (just assume we are childless) I am afraid I would end up having to pay spousal support because I earn more. He has the capacity to earn more, he chooses not to because he values leisure time. I know it is not romantic to think about divorce, and I would not go into marriage with the idea of divorcing, unless something happened like he cheated on me. I started having these thoughts after I read and article on woman paying ex-husbands support because they were earning more. I realise that this could also happen if a guy becomes unemployed through no fault of his own. If I got divorced and we both had jobs, I would not expect anything from my ex-husband, I would support myself again as I did before.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): if I'm reading you correctly, your primary concern is that you may have to pay alimony in the event of a divorce? That is a fear men face every time they get married, but you never hear about it. Would you be okay with making him foot YOUR bills? If you are focusing on the divorce then maybe your priorities need to get sorted first.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): It's very smart to think about future but I think here you kind of go ver the board. Prenup is in my opinion is not a. bad thing if you gained something before you married. Like a house that you bought without him and so on. Advice here to buy a house on your name is not valid. It's just not going to happen. And if you have a knowledgeable lawyer he is notgoingto let this happen. Both parties who are in marriage should benefit from buying a house. Andif one is making more money, well, that's just too bad. What if a husband or wife doesn't work at all, and watches children all day long, so, he/ she doesn't deserve to own a house? That's just makes no sense. I think it's nothing wrong with your boyfriend adapt a life style that he has. You just both have different views on it.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 February 2014):
 Not sure where you read about spousal support in UK?
If you never had kids with him and you divorced, you'd just split your assets and go your separate ways! You would not have to support him after that because the relationship would be over. If you had kids and you split, then you pay child support to the partner who has the kids in their home.If you are paying the mortgage, you need to get the house in your name only, so he can't claim after divorce. When you read articles online, make sure they are relevant to the UK because we have very different laws on divorce and separation.
If you had kids and you wanted to take maternity leave or be a stay at home mum then he would have to get his backside in gear and earn more to support you both. If he's a lazy arse who works minimally and relies on your income to keep him on his arse, he's most likely going to be like that forever...because laziness is a core behaviour and hard to change.
Don't marry someone you are not completely happy with. Voice your concerns to him, tell him you are worried. Don't blindly go into marriage when you know there are problems because once you are wed, you are pretty much stuck with the issues.
Talk to him, it's time for honest discussion. You need to be marrying someone who is showing more support and financial commitment.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (6 February 2014):
 Your not wrong to be concerned about his earnings at all, that's your prerogative, the way you thinking.
He could read an article about stress and the career woman and decide your stroke material and your health may be poor in years to come. That could make him think twice about marrying you.
Its about loving him, forming a partnership a life together. Tell him your concerns about his attitude to life, talk about it.I think he has a healthy view to work/play balance, it's just different to yours
I totally understand you wanting to protect your money, you have worked hard for it, could be that when/if you had children he would step up, you won't know till you talk.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): Hello!
You know what, if your having second thoughts about him I suggest for you not to think about marrying him at all.
Your instinct is telling you something. You seem like a smart lady. You think and analyze things before you jump into it.
Marriage is not a joke. I rather be alone than to be with someone who will cause me a lifetime pain in my heart and in my pocket.
Don't get me wrong. I believe in love its just that you know its right when all things that worries you won't matter. But if what worries you still matters to you then maybe his not the right man to be your husband.
Ideally, a husband should be responsible. Not a happy go lucky type. If I were you, don't marry him yet.
Until such time you see his ready and mature enough for marriage and starting a family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): You are a smart and level-headed woman. If more people were as practical and used such foresight; they would make more solid, or sound decisions when approaching a permanent commitment like marriage.
Yes, finances should be considered. It will determine how you live, where you live, and when or if you may have a family. If you do have kids, you'll want them in a safe and happy environment. You'll want comfort and security. You will want to provide them with good schools and opportunity.
I know, there is the possibility that some people will marry you, expecting you to financially support them; or assume the bulk of the financial responsibility in the marriage. Is that how you perceive your boyfriend?
Is there anything you've observed you consider a red-flag; other than he lives a simpler less materialistic existence? Is that really a deal-breaker? You can't teeter-totter on that; then marry him and spend your rest of your life reminding him of how much of a loser you think he is.
Your marriage would just be a scornful and exhausting
series of disappointments, arguments, and prodding him to show more ambition.
Living expenses and household responsibilities should be equally "shared;" however, that isn't always the case. There are circumstances that one may have a better earning potential; so it follows they handle the bulk of living expenses. Their partner should not go into marriage with this expectation. They should do all they can to
even-out this responsibility; regardless of gender.
There are unforeseen circumstances like being fired, lay-offs, a turn in the economy that can effect what YOU earn, just as much as it can hurt him. Life has no guarantees. If financial comfort and security is more important to you than just getting by. You should be cautious about accepting his proposal in marriage.
Some sign a prenuptial agreement. It resolves a lot of legal financial issues. Where children are concerned; things should be fair and equal. The children should never suffer financially. Both parents share responsibility for their welfare and support. Always think with the possibility that you may have children. It sometimes happens unexpectedly; or you may decide to have children, when it may not have been the original plan.
I guess most of this depends on how you feel about him; and how he feels about you. His character is the most important deal-breaking factor. He may seem to meet only his needs now; but once he is married with a family, why would you think he wouldn't increase his efforts to support your household? Careful not to misjudge.
You have to have some solid evidence to base your opinion on. Minimize prejudice. It sounds as if you think he may be lacking ambition. Maybe you can be an inspiration that he should step up his act; before considering marriage.
You have a right to do so. As his fiance', you have every right to set conditions, and explain what you want from your mate. That is absolutely necessary to avert all misunderstandings or dismiss unreasonable expectations.
You must sit down with him and tell him what your feelings and expectations would be, if marriage is the next step. I would wait until he actually made the proposal. Don't discuss this prematurely. He may feel you are considering marrying him primarily based on his earning-potential; and you are overlooking how he feels about you, and other important factors.
He would have a right to withdraw his proposal; if he doesn't like those conditions. Don't put his back to the wall. You could lose your job tomorrow, God forbid.
I hope you weigh "all" the pros and cons, in general. If he is a hard-worker; that does reflect on his character as a man, and a productive person. We don't all have the same levels of ambition; and you may have more ambition than the typical person. There are over-achievers and they can set the bar pretty high for others. It is sometimes a standard few can meet. So be reasonable.
If you are ambitious and have a different set of values regarding money and success; you are better off choosing someone on the same page.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): You're questioning whether you want to commit to a guy for life based on an article you read?
Probably best not to get married then, OP. Who knows what you'll read next.
I'm not trying to be a smart ass, OP, I understand you're just trying to ensure your future etc. But it was just an article.
I mean come on, one article has made you completely forget that your potential husband does not give that much of a shit about money and has his own means of getting that money anyway. He sounds like the type that sees money as a means to live happily and that money in itself is not the end goal.
Yet somehow one article has made you completely forget who you've been with for 3 years and made you worry about something that is extremely unlikely to happen.
Go for a pre-nup then if you're that worried or something, or you could just trust the guy you intend on marrying?
OP my wife used to earn a lot more than me until I became wealthy. I never gave a damn about money, losing her would have been the worst thing imaginable and no amount of money would make up for that. I've always been a guy that just wants enough for a roof over my head, food in my belly and to be able to afford to have fun, which is relatively cheap when you don't desire expensive things.
Time to stop reading "worst case scenario" articles if they're going to make you worry. better not read any spousal abuse or rape articles OP or you'll never trust any man ever again.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (5 February 2014):
If your main concern is about paying spousal support in case of divorce, then have you considered a pre-nup?
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