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male
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anonymous
writes: hello there, im looking for some much needed advice, im 27 years young, and ive been going out with my future wife now for 2 years, she has 2 kids by 2 different men, dont let that give you a bad impression of her, shes 28, the boys are 3 and 7. the prob is shes depressed at the moment and wants me 1 minute and not the next, the prob is she was abused as a child and its frying her head etc. im sure there other things in her head, but i dont know them all. shes so moody at the mo, shes been and had help years ago, but now its back annoying her, and more or less putting an end to us! i know im shes not only to blame, while she wont go with me to seek help now, ive had my probs too, my mum died last xmas, and its making me moody too, we both are so unhappy at present with each other, but i cant really see myself without her, i do love her so much, it even hurts not to be with her, the prob is she says she loves me one min and then kicks me out the next! i know deep down she doesnt want me to leave, but how can i help her see this? she tells me this at times, thats how i know! but shes determent i feel this time to let me go, says i could do far better else where. but i dont want to go elsewhere, i love her and the boys, so much. its gonna kill me honestly, with losing my mum and now maybe losing her? i dont think i could cope! even the other nite, she was on the net looking for wedding information, etc. surfing etc. we are meant to get married next april, everythings all sorted, booked! then today shes like we have to talk? am i lost here or something, confussed! shes playing games with me, and i cant take it any more! please could someone tell me what to do? cant do without her, but she seems to be able to do without me, ive been kicked out and brought back in so many times now, i dont know what to do! i see myself as a nice guy, not like them other guys everyone keeps talking about, so why am i getting hurt if all u girls want a nice guy!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2006): The symptoms you describe of your girlfriend's behavior sounds very much like what we see in borderline personality disorder. Please visit http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/borderlinepd.htm and see if the criteria therein describes your girlfriend. Only 5 of the 9 criteria have to be met for this disorder. You might also consider reading the book: I hate you, don't leave me. I do not suggest going to your girlfriend and saying, "hey, I think you have borderline personality disorder". Nor do I suggest diagnosing her based on the link I provided. I would sit down with her and simply tell her that you've noticed these behaviors and you are concerned. Encourage her gently to seek counseling. Alot of people with borderline, if that's what she has, are not too keen on counseling (and are generally non-compliant with treatment due to the constant cycling of loveyou-hateyou turmoil they experience). I may be totally off base concerning her symptoms; however, obviously something is going on with her. At the end of the day, counseling may be the only avenue to determine exactly what is up with her. And as a last note: if you research this disorder, keep in mind that while the research suggests that childhood abuse is generally a precursor to this disorder, not everyone with borderline has a history of childhood abuse and therefore, just because she has that particular history, it does not mean she has borderline. See what I mean?Good luck and hope all goes well.***
A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (25 August 2006):
 Hi there,
I see you too as a nice guy becos many guys would have worked away from it all. I think your girlfriend is unstable and if she has been abused before as a child this may be the key factor in this. I must tell you that she needs extensive help and she not willing to go for therapy isnt a good reading on it all.
I know that you have been through alot with your mum passing away and dont want to loose her as well since u love her. But the fact is that you arent at all happy in this relationship and from reading your posting i can see that it is killing you at the moment. My advise is that you need to get control of this and make her realise that if she isnt willing to go for help to get some stabilisation then you have to leave becos her moods swings is killing you.Think about this carefully it is your decision to make.
I know that you have indicated that she went for therapy some time back but perhaps she needs more or the therapist might not have been a very good one.
If u decide to go with my advise then make sure u tell her everything u have mentioned here about how u feel and how much love for her u have that's why u want her to get help.
Take care of yourself and dont worry all will work out for the best.
Kelly.
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