A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My g/f and me were planning to move in together this september. I'm 27 she's 22 and she's German living in Germany.She's now turned round out of the blue and said she's not ready for us to move in together as she's scared the relationship will get boring, that she won't see her friends and that she doesn't want to leave her parents.As an alternative she wants us to stay with her parents for a couple of months and then see how things are togetrher from there, maybe move in together or maybe me finding my own space somewhere.I understand this stance from her completely and it's sensible and reasonable. So why do I feel so rejected and resentful??It also gives me the impression that our relationship would go on trial at her parents in this way, what would it mean if we decided not to move in together??Also, my german's not good,the thought of getting a room on my own is scary and its taking away my motivation to even go there! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (21 February 2007):
 I can understand your girlfriend's concerns, because it's kinda weird to move to a new place where you don't know anybody and then be unemployed 'cause you haven't found a job yet. Believe me, I've been through the moving to a different country-thing and the first couple of months (until you find a job) is hell. My self esteem was never that low before.
I still think it's better for her to move to you. If it turns out that the relationship gets boring for her, then she can always go back to Germany.
I don't think staying with her in Germany for a few months is going to contribute anything to your relationship (other than you learning some German and getting a better understanding of the German culture) unless you have your own place there. The idea of living with her parents is really not a good one. You're always going to be on your toes and feel judged by them (unless they welcome you with open arms and "adopt" you as part of the family).
All in all, I think it's a difficult situation you have on your hands. If your girlfriend moves to you she might feel later that she made a big sacrifice in moving to you (because she can't be with her friends and family) whereas you didn't loose anything.
Maybe she can come visit you for a month. Then she could see how it feels and maybe she won't be afraid to move later?
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