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female
,
anonymous
writes: My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 and a half years. She has had to leave the city for 6 weeks for a course that she is doing and I am worried. She is living in a big house with lots of others (guys and girls)and although she has never cheated before (that I know of) I am totally worried that she will get drunk or something and cheat on me.I might be just completely paranoid. She used to go away for work at the start of our relationship and I was never worried, even when she told me that she kissed a guy at a pub once. I was mad but forgave her because we had only gone out for 3 months then.She has only been away for a few days but already is taking ages to reply to any messages I send or ignores them. What should I do .... if anything? Are there any signs I should look for to tell if she's cheating/cheated on me? I don't want to ruin our relationship by being suspicious... but I am so worried.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2005): I'm going through the same problem. Unless you either begin stalking her, or hire a private detective, there is no way to find out. And without proof, there's no reason to accuse her of anything, you'll just ruin what you have.
You have 2 choices. Either express your concern in an easy way, without causing a huge stir (which is seemingly impossible, because she'll feel attacked), or keep your mouth shut and live with your paranoia. OR...you could always leave her and never have to worry about what she did, if she actually did anything.
Ask yourself, can you learn to trust her in the future if you're so paranoid today?
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reader, HappyTimeHarry +, writes (30 August 2005):
I know even one kiss is a black mark on a relationship. It's like a relationship starts out as a blank sheet and something even as fleeting as this crumples it up. You can lay it on a table and try to smooth it out, but it can't be perfect again. People always told me "she did it once, she'll do it again", but I don't believe this and I don't think you should bank on it either. You need to talk to her, and it's not bad to express your concern as long as you don't do it too dramatically. I'm sure being a fellow human you have enough trouble, and you don't need to invent any more for yourself. You must see though that for every hour she's not right there with you, anything could be happening. I think you need to weigh things up in your mind and make an all or nothing decision to trust her or end it. Tell yourself you're trusting her for these reasons, and remind yourself when you're in doubt what these are. Give her your trust unless she breaks it, and give her the benefit of the doubt. You've analyzed this right in that you're vulnerable to this girl, but you need to embrace it gladly or toss it all aside and move on.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (29 August 2005):
 Trust is a fragile thing, easily broken if it isn't nurtured and cared for. Possibly when your girlfriend kissed someone else in the early stages of your relationship, it set doubt in your mind. Perhaps you have experienced someone being unfaithful to you before? Perhaps you feel insecure of your relationship because your girlfriend doesn't always give off the right cues to make you feel reassured?
She may not be responding because she is busy but she should respond to put your mind at ease.
Signs to look for? These can vary between people but generally speaking, someone who is distracted, not as affectionate as normal, perhaps a bit shifty, often going out without you and not always prepared to say where, the list is rather endless. It is easy to jump to the wrong conclusions, however, when we feel insecure.
Obviously, your girlfriend doesn't want a paranoid, insecure boyfriend but she should be able to put your mind at ease.
Send her a message expressing you are concerned because she hasn't been responding to you and simply ask her if everything is alright as you are worried. Ask her, as you do normally, how everything is going and when it is convenient for her, if you could talk to her.
Hopefully she will respond and put your mind at ease.
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