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male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: In short: met her year ago at work, (she was new employee).She was about my age,smart,charming,elegant,beautiful,everything which I ever dreamed of.And married.And childless (not hopeless,though,she was married freshly and told me that "something is wrong" with it).However,that's not the point at all.Even if I almost at once start to getting close to her as much as I can -not rude,I want to be patient and civilized as much as I can...but I can simply can't get her out of my head.Part of it is seeing her every day,and part of it is my "right" to be selfish (i am still single,and must admit,quite desperately now).Truth is,because she's SO DARN close to my point of "ideal" women (sex is just small part of it),I'm afraid that I can do something which can hurt somebody-her,me,or even her husband.Heck,sometimes I think I will literally "hijack" her:) only if she say a thing.But,except for couple dinners together,occasional gifts and nice words we never came much far.She told me that she's not quite satisfied with her life,"doesn't have private life at all" ,that her husband is "angry man sometimes" and that I'm "too nice to be single" (nice guys finish last,I know:) I'll try to search around for somebody else like her who I could love,without result even close.Time passing,she's not refusing anything from me,except getting into bed which I never mentioned anyway.It's almost sure that she's only playing some game with me, but even that hardly can put her away from my thoughts.I don't know what to do,finding myself in adolescent position with scares me.Just,if she's not so beautiful...I'm really,hopelessly lost.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2007): Like the previous respondant, I would advise TELL her you love her, before it is too late. So many of the people who reply to these mails value fidelity more than love - but love is the most important thing. If she doesn't love you, then she won't break up with her husband.
If you tell her - two things could happen - either she will break up with her husband to be with you, or she will stay with her husband and break your heart.
Your broken heart will hurt you, but eventually the pain will reduce and you will be able to get on with your life....
By the way, I am a married woman in a simliar situation...
good luck.
I am happy for you that you feel this love for a woman....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2007): Hi.I am a married woman that after a long marriage found myself madly in love with a cute single guy at work, just right after I decided to get pregnant. We really got close in a similar way that you describe, but nothing ever happened, because he never totally shared his feelings. Some friends say he wanted to protect himself. Eventually I got pregnant and it is too late for me to go for it now. So my advice is: tell her how you feel before it is to late. If it is meant to be it will be. But try to do it in a very discrete way, send her an e-mail with an "anonymous" account not to embarrass her face-to-face and not to have trouble at work.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2007): I am in a similar situation, I just got out of a marriage where I was miserable because I had very little in common with my exwife, and I have met a woman that has me absolutely fascinated. The more I talk to her the more I find out things about her that I absolutely love. She has read a lot of the same books I have read, her personality is very similar to mine, some of her experiences have been similar to mine, she likes doing a lot of the same things that I like doing, and she is even studying the same two languages that I am studying! The only big problem is that she is married, to a guy that apparently doesn't have a lot in common with her, they have had some serious problems in the past, and they have no children. I have known her for less than two months, but I feel like I have known her forever. We've gone out together two times, once for work, another time I was helping her with her math homework, and we ended up going for drinks and talking for hours. I definitely know she likes me as a friend, and I think it is very likely that she is attracted to me. At first I thought we could be just friends, but the more I find out about her, the more I am attracted to her, at this point I feel a very strong infatuation, I feel like a teenager! But I have not told her anything, not yet, although I probably will. I want to wait for the infatuation to pass, because I know myself from previous infatuations, it is usually very strong at first, and then later it passes. I do not want to jeopardize her marriage and her happiness without knowing for sure that once the infatuation is gone there is something still there. If this is the case, I am going for it! Life is too short to settle without trying, and who is to say that she chose right when she got married? I certainly didn't! I also do not want to get confused because I just came out of a divorce, and rebound relationships don't last. I want to find out if I am in the rebound before I risk something that might ruin her life. I just wanted to get this off my chest, but my advice to you is, if you know that what you have is not just infatuation, and if you honestly believe she would be happier with you, or at least out of her marriage, on the long term, then go for it. If you don't think that is the case, don't hurt her and walk away. One sure way to find out if this is infatuation or love is to go out clubbing or dancing (even if you don't feel like it), and try to meet women there. Once you end up meeting another woman, if all you had is infatuation, the other woman will cure it. If it is more than that, then you should go for it, but you owe it to her to try other things first, and go meet other women to find out what your reaction is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2007): Ok,tonight I'm totally drunk;) Around 1990. I read "It" from Stephen King (his golden days) and one page starting just like that. Except this is reality.Please don't take anything which i wrote now so seriously.Afraid can't help myself.03.30 h now here,only thing that I can regret is all of You my friends with all of Your words of confidence.Put this simply-go with her on dinner this evening again,talk and listen too much again,and then I leave restaurant alone again,and take "in solo",well, I think at least 4-5 heavy drinks around city afterwards.Truth is I don't remember.Tomorrow morning I'll be ashamed of myself to wrote all of it,but now,this is my only way to escape from myself.Oh darn.Gendarms can clearly rise there's funds now,for I'll been stopped at least 2-3 times for overspeed etc;)And this all is sh!t completely ,truth is that I can't put her outta my head.Part of this is emptiness of this apartment without her every single night and day ,but more than anything is...I don't know.Precious.That's all I can tell about her now.Doesn't even matter what she said,in my head everything about her is unforgettable.I must stop now,because this is getting crazy.Thinking about weapons I have,some of them my late father leaves form 1960's when he served in Alger.Should I kill her husband and then myself,or just kill myself right now and finish all this nonsense? I wonder if anyone see her eyes and hear her voice as I did,reality or dreams without difference.
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (17 January 2007):
 Dear Jean
My heart goes out to you.
Try not to seeing her for a while, constant reminder by seeing her everyday will make it worse.
If you cannot get this woman out of your mind still, you must be patient and not put any pressure.
If she decides to end her marriage, make sure you are not the reason. You do not want her resentment if it did not work out between you.
Allow her the space to make her mind up. Even if she feels the same she will need to sort things out. Ending a marriage is not an easy thing to do. She must be sure that it is going to be worth the pain and consequences.
Big hug x
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A
male
reader, JeanF  +, writes (16 January 2007):
 OK now I'm registered...Despite all ,this is getting more complicated. Now it's about 19.00 h here,I just have a 2-hours "afterwork lunch" with her. Tell her partially about my feelings (scared to say everything,which may be wrong,I know). She almost started to cry and said something about that "she can do very little now". She asks me then, where I was couple of years ago. After that, surprisingly, she told me that we should met tomorrow after work again. She said that she needs all possible courage and strength to continue this way.This all ripping me in parts. Now I'm here again alone in my apartment,thinking what else can I do or tell her, that she doesn't know already, or should I simply ask her to live him and run away with me, or I should drop it all...Childish again from me, and more hard to succeed.I just called my best friend, he knows much about everything of course, but have a little understanding. To put it simply,he said stop crying about yourself and leave her away. Only wish I could. But this is certain: I will never hurt her in any way, even if it judges me to be in emotional shape like this forever. This is serious threat for my ability to think clear. Very true-I cannot put away her image of ideal woman for me, she needs only to look at me or talk anything,all of my personal "rules" and self-esteem go to he#l.That woman has everything,charm,intellect,beauty.This is not really ask for advice,I just try to explain my feelings to somebody,even over machine.Thank you all again,hope I finally will able to do the best thing,for her and for me and everybody else,if possible. Best for all,Jean
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): Well, i'm in a similar situation to yours, but i'm the woman in the scenario. I've been friendly with a guy for quite a while, and am married. I am attracted to my friend, but but am not acting on it as i value my marriage too much. I love my husband, and have a really great, stable marriage. But - it's people like me who often end up having affairs. I don't know whether it's the danger or what, but it sometimes it's just so great to have those 'infatuation' feelings again. Naturally, that mutes quite a bit when you're seeing somebody every day for years. The infatuation is replaced by something else which is lovely too. But like i say; sometimes it's just incredible to have those strong, overwhelming feelings again. People like to villify those who have affairs; but the truth is that we are all capable of it. It just takes the right person and circumstances. Nobody is above it.
But back to you: i can almost guarantee your friend is attracted to you. She's just not sure she wants to risk her marriage for what will ONLY BE A FLING! Don't kid yourself, it will never be more than that. If you are in love with her, then leave it alone. Remove yourself from the situation as much as you can; you will never get what you want from this relationship.
If you fancy a quick roll in the hay, by all means go ahead.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): Why don't you try and ignore her for a couple of weeks? No flirting, gifts, special attention etc. See if she just walks away or if she pursues you.
If you persues you very much, then ask her straight out if you have a chance of being together. Only then will you know. Maybe she does really like you and might be unhappy in her marriage and would like to leave him, if you give her reason to.
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A
female
reader, stars224  +, writes (16 January 2007):
I am a great believer that married people should be left well alone to be with only each other. lordy knows what kind of a game she is playing, but if she really didn't like her hubby, she wouldnt be with him. unless she was only with him for his money, or some other personal gain. Noone has a gun to her head.
It also DOES sound like she is using you, getting meals and gifts from you, but not actually sleeping with you. She will be thoroughly enjoying every minute of flirting with you and seeing you follow her round like a puppy dog. I'm sure it does wonders for her self esteem. You are actually blinded by your lust/'love' for her, and therefore, you have put her on a high pedestal that no other woman can match. It all needs to stop. You deserve someone single, who can give you everything you need, and this woman deserves to lay in her bed. She made it.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): Thank you all for help on this,although I don't know if I can forget about it all so easy...You're right of course,if she is my wife(oh Gosh)I surely don't wanna somebody to interrupt with.On the other hand,sometimes I like to fancy myself that she actually needs help that get out marriage she didn't want at all.Only my fantasies,as I said.If I can only not to see her every single day,office to office,break together,go back home etc...I wonder for how long she still be polite,and then tell me to go dam' away?...I'm angry at myself,usually I don't act like this with women at all.Au contraire,actually.I mean,like I was 14 y.old again(I'm CEO there,and I even consider put my business "powers" to do something,I don't know,give her promotion to be even closer to me!!?:)) See how I'm lost.Right now I'm going there ,see her again,her smile and her eyes.Every single day the same,and as I say, hate myself being so selfish and childish.Thank you all again,I know that nobody can solve this instead of me,but how,I simply don't know for now...And btw,sorry for my broken english,I live in Europe actually.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2007): She's married. She has had a "couple of dinners out" with you, "occasional gifts" and "nice words" and told you something about her marriage. My friend, this has already gone much further than it should.
You need to back off, now, and let her get on with making her marriage work. If she's a newly-wed she's not giving it much of a chance, so far.
Be polite when you see her, but don't get into conversation, other than what is strictly necessary vis-vis work.
This is the ethical thing to do, regardless of your feelings for her: because she is married she is not yours to pursue.
There must be plenty of other single women around you can take an interest in, and I advise you to do so, and leave this one alone!
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (15 January 2007):
 As my grandfather always liked to say "there's no point in running after buses and pretty girls; there's another one every five minutes".
So yes, apart from there being a lot of single "nice guys" out there, there's also quite a few single "nice girls". The problem is that you're not going to have much luck in finding yourself a nice lass if you keep comparing every woman you meet to Mrs Perfect. You can't see the beauty in the orchid if you keep expecting it to look like a rose.
Every person has flaws, and rest assured that mrs Perfect does as well, you just need to start looking for them (her being married is a huge flaw, I guess you could start there). If you can try to focus on what's not good about her then you could hopefully get rid of your infatuation.
And do stop trying to get more involved with her than would be suitable for a work relation, only heartbreak would come out of it if the two of you got romantically involved.
I wish you the best of luck in finding a nice unmarried woman to make you happy!
/Dragonette
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A
female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (15 January 2007):
 It sounds as if you are genuiely love struck and most women would kill to have a man feel this way about her. unfortunatly, she is married. I would recommend NOT acting on your feelings until (when and if) she decides that her relationship with her husband is over all on her own. That way, rather than be the reason her marriage failed, you can (potentially) be the the reason she is finally loved the way she should be. IF you care about her, you will not involve or attempt to involve yourself in her relationship any more than you already have. Be her friend, support her, care about her, but do not go any further until she is availible to come to you.
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