A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 26 and had never dated or anything up until a year and a half ago (not a lot of confidence in that department). I've been with the same girl now for that time frame. She's amazing. She told me early on she wasn't a virgin (I am). She has only had one boyfriend, but it was a five year relationship and they lived together. This never bothered me though. A couple months ago she brought up sex and said she was ready but was happy to wait until I was (marriage if necessary). She also said that she wished she had waited so I could be her first. Well I woke up a couple days ago and that thought was the first on my mind for some reason, and it bothered me. I had never really thought about being anyone's first or them being mine, just a first time together. Her statement made me really think about this. It upsets me and makes me extremely jealous that her first boyfriend was able to share that experience with her and I never will. Now I can't help but think about her being my first everything and myself being her first nothing. To top things off, I'm now worried about their sexual relationship and how I'll stack up (which is something I wouldn't have even given the time to think about two days ago). Was he better? Could he last longer, satisfy her better? Did she do stuff with him that she won't do with me? I don't really even know what my question would be. I know my thoughts are irrational and I should just let the past stay in the past, but I can't help where my mind wanders. She's has no idea I'm feeling this way and I'd like to keep it that way. She'd probably be more upset then I am, and there's no reason why she should feel guilty or ashamed of her past.
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confidence, her past, jealous, last longer Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (2 November 2011):
Your thoughts are justified. In cases where one partner has a lot more experience then in some ways the specialness of your first time will be less because she has done it many times before. The thing that you wont realise until some time probably way in the future is that it is just sex, there is no real value or meaning. Your love for each other is what makes being together special. Any two strangers can have sex, but you can make love for the first time, and that is very special. BUT dont fester on your thoughts, talk nicely and gently with your girlfriend about the thoughts that trouble you, dont make her feel bad about herself because that isnt fair and certainly she sounds great. Dont make the mistake of thinking her past relationship was a fantastic experience for her, it may well not have been, be very careful not to rake up bad memories for her. Just love her, all will be fine.
A
male
reader, aresu  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 im going to be very honest with you, but everyone who says to just get over it, they don't really know what they are talking about for someone who is still a virgin. im sure their intentions are good and really want to help you, but i highly doubt they can even imagine how it is for a virgin guy like yourself to accept this kind of thing. i can relate, and a lot, im still a virgin, i too would have a problem with a partner's sexual experience, but i think i can relate the most it to the fact that you never tough about it. i know what it feels like to have that happen, i too wasn't thinking about the fact that i had waited too long and it would be very hard to find another virgin, and everything just dawned on me one day, and for me it was huge, because i always had the idea of losing it to another virgin, in fact it was one of the reasons i waited too long to lose it, because i wanted it to be special, and to lose it to someone who was also losing it, and im sure that if i lose it to someone who is not a virgin, i know i would never get over it, and for this reason i chose to reject anyone who is not a virgin too, because i would only be unhappy otherwise and they too. and i don't want to get over it, im not doing anything wrong, and is not fair i have to suffer because i just defended something i believe so much.but back to your question, i don't im not really sure what to tell you, because i know that whatever i can tell you is not that simple and is very hard emotionally, it all depends of you, if you really cant get over it, and you have doubts about if you will not make a healthy relationship because of this, then the best thing to do is to just break up.maybe you do can get over it, i know i couldn't, but maybe you can, but you must remember that now is your chance to make it a problem if you choose, because if you promise that it will not be an issue later then you need to stick to it.i wish i could be of more help, but i really don't know of much to say, this is a really big problem for me too, and if i had a more clear answer it wouldn't be, because i know how hard it is, and anyone who doesn't see the big deal are ignorant to really how much pain it can cause, and probably virginity wasn't a big deal to them from the start.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): 'If you really love her then you won't be upset about her past" is emotional blackmail.
When someone says "If you really love me then you won't have a problem with _____" it is usually a form of emotional blackmail. The fact is you can love someone very much and still find things about them to be deal breakers. Just ask any mature adult who has been in love and broken up.
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A
female
reader, botyak  +, writes (1 November 2011):
you are already 26 but you dont act like so..stop thinking about the past..past is past and you cant do anything about it, if you love your gf truly accept who she is and who she is not, virginity doent matter at all, the important thing is you are both happy with each other,just enjoy the times being with her and stop thinking about that silly thing, if you start to question about your past then you should ask yourself first..."do you really love her??" coz if you do, you will not ask things like that, whoever your gf right now is it because of her past, she will not be who she is now if she dont try those things.. i will relate you my story, i am inlove wiht a divorcee man and he has one son, he is 46 and im 22, i never question about his past, i never ask him what was his past together with his wife, i just accept him who he is and who he is not, that is true love, never ever compare your past relationship to your current one if you want both of you will stay happy...
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A
male
reader, Htsn47 +, writes (31 October 2011):
 I am in a similar situation to you, in some ways. I lost my virginity to my current girlfriend, who has had multiple partners. I don't know how many and I hope I never know, because I'm afraid I would have the same irrational feelings you are struggling with. It's hard not to have the thoughts you are having, but you need to really make the effort to get them out of your head. She wants to be with you, that's all you need to know. The fact that she's been with another person has ZERO to do with your current relationship - as far as you should be thinking, it happened before you existed in the world.Stop thinking about it. That's going to take an effort, but you have to do it. Consciously move your mind onto something positive about your relationship when you feel those thoughts coming up. Don't EVER, EVER ask questions about their sexual relationship, it will make both of you feel awful. I cannot state that strongly enough. Jealousy here is irrational - she wasn't choosing someone over you, you didn't exist yet to her.I hope you can get over these thoughts.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): You are feeling like a 100% completely normal male does in these situations. You are feeling retroactive jealousy.
Our culture has embraced casual sex and this is a major downside of widespread casual sex. Now we are in denial that this is how normal people (mainly men) react to the fact that their partners have slept with others previously. It's an evolutionary thing that stands to help men much more than women.
Some people "get it" and some don't. The people who don't get it are usually not very helpful for advice even when they mean well. (And not all of them mean well.)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 Yepp, you're right, don't mention this to her, because it'll only give your relationship problems. You need to sort out these thoughts by yourself first, and then possibly talk to her about them later.
For a year and a half you did not have a problem with her not being a virgin. And, I suspect, this isn't really about her being a Virgin with capital, but about plain, simple, horrible, destructive insecurity.
She said she wishes you were her first, and I also suspect this comment is what triggered her. Why would she wish for that? Is it because there was something so amazing and special about it that you now can't ever give her? I mean, it is rather silly a thing to say "I wish you were my first", because it implies something, doesn't it?
I think before you tell her anything about insecurities you ask her what she meant by it. That you've been thinking about sex and relationships, and wonder what she meant when she said she wished you were her first. And then ask her the questions you've asked on here, just rephrase them a bit. Such as: "did you wish you waited because you worry I will not be as good as him, and that you worry you will compare us sexually?" and "Do you wish I was your first because your first time was such a special occasion, and that our first time together wont be as special?". Ask in a non confrontational way, but ask her. Talk about these things, but hold your insecurities back. Don't say things like "your first time was amazing and I'll never compare" etc.
I can't speak for her, and it is best you hear it from her directly and not from me, but what I suspect she meant by this was not something that should cause you insecurity. I am sure she actually meant it as a compliment. She thinks YOU will be so amazing to be with that it will outshine whatever she had in the past, and because of this she would have had a greater first time than her actual first time, had she waited. I don't think (or hope not at least) she meant it seriously though. I think it was something she said without giving it much though, just a passing idea. That she is so comfortable with you she thinks she might have been better off had she met you first, instead of wasting all those years with her past bf before she finally got out of that relationship and got to meet YOU.
But ask her.
I was about to say to an ex of mine once that I would have enjoyed being a virgin and losing it with him (he was a virgin too), but took it back precisely because it would possibly create such insecurities that you now have. And truth is I don't regret the people I've had sex with. I just thought that I'd actually have had a better time at it had it been him who was my first, and not someone else. And the reason why I thought this is, quite frankly, he was better in bed and better at touching me, kissing me, making me feel great about myself and more relaxed, than my first guy did. But that's all there is to it.
The first time you have with your girlfriend will be special because it is yours and hers first time together. She hasn't had sex with you before, now has she? Then it isn't second time around for her, because you're all new and special.
Oh, and my ex was a virgin and I've had some.. 15-20 (honestly don't know, I stopped counting at 12) partners before him. But there was nothing bland about it, or old, or tiresome. He was special, very special to me, and our first time together is something I'll remember. Our first kiss is something I think back on with a smile. There was nothing filthy or used about my love for him, or the way I treated him in bed. Because when me and him had sex, even though I was his first and he was far from my first, right then it's just him and me, two people who love each other, and no one else in the world matters. Nothing else matters.
Now of course, if you want to you can think and think about the insecurities and they'll grow and blow out of proportion and ruin everything for you, ruin your pleasure, ruin your first time, ruin your relationship. Insecurities have a tendency to do just that. So work on it, and try to let it go. Talk to your girlfriend about things, and in particular talk to her about what she meant when she said she wished you had been her first.
You'll be ok, just have some deep conversations with her about this, several times, think about it and work on it, and you'll figure out how to turn these insecurities into something positive instead.
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