A
female
age
36-40,
*ost_Soul85
writes:Me and my ex always had a volatile relationship, for nearly 3 years we were on an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes things were really really good, sometimes things were really really bad.About 3 months ago she met some people and started hanging round with them alot. I'm not going to go into that, its too complicated - the short of it is they were all alcoholics and I didn't approve of her hanging round with them. Still, I couldn't ban her from seeing them and things had been good with us for a few months - which was my main agenda really. She was talking about moving in together, brought me a watch to show her commitment, thinking about our future (babies, jobs etc). Anyway, about 3 weeks ago a new woman was introduced to her group of alchie friends. The guys sister... I'll get back to her in a bit.Last week my ex decided to go an 6 day drinking bender... she ignored and lied to me to do this. Her drinking and cocaine use has been worrying me since she met her new friends. She used to only drink when we went out... now she drinks bottles of white cider every night, stealing alcohol from me, getting me to buy her alcohol and then not returning the favour, hiding her cocaine use from me, stopping taking her anxiety meds. I confronted her about her drinking and gave her a choice, either you admit you have a problem and get help or I get can't be with you cos I can't watch you destroy yourself (alcoholism runs in my family, my uncle and grandad both died because of it)This was presented to her in a letter as it had been nigh on impossible to meet with her face to face over the last 2 weeks. The day after I sent the letter she text me saying she can't be with me anymore, she'd had time to think and felt she wasn't in love with me anymore. Yesturday I said I deserved a better explanation than the one she'd give me. Just over a week ago she was saying she loved me, had been talking about her future. How could she have considered ending us properly over one week of her getting pissed, doing coke and not taking her meds...She said she'd met someone else! Lo and behold its her friends sister. This woman is twice her age, a functioning alcoholic, loves cocaine, has just come out of an 8 year relationship, unemployed and is kipping on her brothers sofa..I can't see past the betrayal right now, its made me physically sick... I can't eat, I can't sleep, can barely get out of bed... How long has it been going on? Apparently they've slept together. Did they do it in the bed I slept in? Can she satisfy my ex more? What if things work out between her and this new woman? What if she crashes and burns and wants me back? Its definatley over between us (I told her I never want to see her again) but I just don't think I'm ever going to trust anyone ever again. She's systematically ruined my heart over 2008 (she was manipulative and selfish in many other aspects of our relationship). Why did this happen to me? I feel used, pathetic and completely humiliated! It's that woman! I can't get over her, she must feel like the cat thats got the cream! What on earth can she offer my ex? She's just going to mess her up even more... these are pretty much my ex's only friends now, she's cut all her old friends out of her life. I don't even know if she's telling me the truth, she is a very good almost pathalogical liar... is she just saying all this so she doesn't have to confront her drinking? This is quite a pickle and I need advice, if not just some comfort.
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alcoholic, liar, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): I think that you definitely need to forget about her and move on to someone who actually deserves you. Volatile relationships are never good because you don't know what's coming at you from one second to another, so it's best to be out of that!
If she chooses to drink now then it's her problem, she's ignored you - someone who clearly cares about her and tries to help, so from now I think you should leave her to it. I know sometimes it is easier said than done, but I think that's how it should be. I agree with your housemate too, it will probably be easier for you because of how the relationship was anyway.
Perhaps you could keep yourself distracted for a bit, something to really focus your mind on, when your getting to sleep or just whenever you feel you need to focus. Like a new hobby, or building something or something like that. I always find it's good to have a distraction that I can train myself to focus on, and even take anger out on as well.
Hope I've been of some help to you!
xx Hope xx
A
female
reader, Lost_Soul85 +, writes (29 August 2008):
Lost_Soul85 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCheers for the kind words. I'm really feeling a ton better, feel like I've aged a 100 years over the last 2 days but that might be a good thing. I known now not to trust someone so flippant and changeable with my heart. I truly gave mine to heart and told and showed her things I wasn't willing to with anyone else. If she can't even mourn that, then well shes truly messed up and that aint my fault or my problem!My friend is setting me up on a date in a couple of weeks, once I 'get my health back' (aint been sleeping much and have been finding it hard to keep food down, just how my body reacts to stress). Have decided to get my hair cut, pamper myself, do some volunteering, get back to work in a month and get out there. Get myself back on the horse as it were! My housemate was saying to me, when your in a relationship that is soooooo bad, when its volatile and doesn't make sense half the time - when you eventually come out of it your already halfway over it... and thats true of me right now.... don't feel like I miss her (the woman I fell in love with hasn't been there for a good few months now, no matter how much I denied it), I see she's selfish, stupid and fucked up and that aint my problem. Aint afraid of being single, am completely thrilled with the fact that I'm free to DO WHAT I WANT (something I've been denied for a long time now).Its just the betrayal really, it hits me when I'm by myself (I have lots of amazing friends and a brilliant family that are keeping me occupied)... am having to keep myself awake until I'm just too tired to move in so I won't have time to dwell when my head hits the pillow, its dark and I'm alone. If anyone has any wisdom re that, well I'd kiss your bloody face off!Once again though thanks x
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (28 August 2008):
Oh sweetie, it sounds like your girfriend has some serious problems and I don't think you can help her. She sounds like she needs that drama and pain in her life because she's running away from confronting her real issue. When things were a rollercoaster with arguments between you, that was fine. But now you are both happy, she can't handle it so she's found someone she can be messed up with.
They say that you have to hit rock bottom before you'll accept help and if you try and help her now you'll just get dragged down with her.
You have to walk away for now. When she is ready to deal with her problems then you can help her back up. But if you stick with her through the worsed times then you'll end up hating her.
This is not your fault.
Good Luck!! xx
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