| A ,
*. Hurt
writes: My girl-friend recently ditched me because she thought I wasn’t devoted enough to her - I didn’t measure up to her expectations and she says she’s not one to compromise. I actually was devoted to her, and crazy about her, and I was building up to asking her to marry me.I know she still likes (loves?) me and we still see each other, but the chances of her coming back to me are slim. She dumped me 3 times before, for similar reasons, and came back to me 3 times. But now she’s adamant she will not return a fourth time. I’m getting desperate for a way to get her back. I’m afraid if I don’t do something soon, I’ll lose her forever. She has started seeing other men, and if one of them should propose marriage, I fear she might accept “on the rebound”, as she too was very disappointed that things didn’t work out with me.One way of convincing her of my love and devotion (the only way?) would be for me to propose. But I can hardly propose to her if we’re not “going out together”. Especially as she’s the romantic type who would wish to be proposed to in a very romantic setting. Is this idea of me proposing to her ludicrous? Is there anything else I could do?(We’re both in our 50s and her situation isn’t good:- she’s poor, hasn’t got a job, and lives in a small flat with a lodger. So she sort of hopes that a rich knight will some day come along and rescue her. While not rich, I could support both of us).
View related questions:
her ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, becky05 +, writes (15 July 2005):
You have already lost this woman, proposing will not make things any better for either of you in the long run. Move on with your life as she has done with hers,
A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (15 July 2005):
 Call her and tell her that you would appreciate one last meeting to discuss what happened. Tell her you need the closure and that hopefully you both can get some answers that would help you both in the future.
Then take her out to dinner and tell her that you need to hear what she would have accepted to be devotion. That is a vague word that is not really fair to use as a measuring stick unless she was very clear about how that would look in the relationship. Tell her your definition as well.
You seem devoted to keeping her, but if her ideas of devotion are say taking trips on weekends or putting off plans when you knew she wanted to do something else, then at least you could find out if it really is over.
If she says that devotion means she is always right and that you forsake any dream to her every whim, would that be okay with you? Hopefully not. As it is, she seems controlling.
If she says that when she is hurting and needs to talk about something she needs you to care that she is hurting and just listen, that seems fair. In that hypothetical case, you could ask what she saw you do instead. Then get specific behaviors.
Too often, we women expect men to need and want the same things we do. She probably acted toward you the way that she wanted you to act toward her and vice versa. If we do not clarify what makes us feel loved, we spin our wheels.
Ask her for another chance and that next time she tells you before she decides to leave that she needs a change. Also, get some couples counseling. It works!
If she is not interested in even talking, she got over you before she left. Women do that a lot while men get over the relationship after. You then need to accept that.
If you already know that devotion meant marriage, get on your knee asap! Women will become frustrated and run away when they fear they are wasting time. If marriage was mentioned before and you were reluctant, I bet that was the problem.
In that case, forget timing it perfectly and romantically, just get it done before it is too late. Make the dinner date in a romantic location and get on your knee. Trust me, at your age you can't afford to worry about that too much. Instead, ask the ladies you know and trust to help you word your proposal. Romantic wording will be all she needs if she was wanting that in the first place. Just be willing to be vulnerable and face the possibility of rejection. What do you have to lose?
...............................
|
