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writes: Dear agony aunt,I have recently got together with a girl that I met and have been a couple for about 3 weeks. From the outset I made it clear to her that I smoke the occasional bit of cannabis. She also made it clear that she was not a fan of it, but nonetheless continued to see me and we have got on awesomely the whole time. We had a discussion about it and the long and short of it is that she won't come anywhere with me where there is likely to be people smoking it! This makes things very difficult as in my wide circle of friends it is inevitable that this situation will arise. I really like her and want things to work but I'm not willing to change who I am for that to happen! What should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, rockmanco2 +, writes (16 September 2005):
Hey to put it simply you stuck between a bong and a hard place. It sucks dude, it would be different if you did'nt care about her but you obviusly do. Some advice, im not saying stop smokeing but as a fellow smoker myself i can tell you its not hard to cut down(if you ever had a habbit in the first place. As for the whole thing about your friends.... just kinnda keep it mellow. Best thing to do is tell them your girl really isnt into it.... and yes i kno there gonna dog you about it. Dont mind them there just being asswholes and they really dont care in the long run.
If you want to steer clear of situations where your friend are smokeing then i suggest you steer clear of your friends for awile. I kno it sucks becouse there your friends but if there cool it wont matter that much. So take her out on date where its just the two of you or even go out with her friends..... maybe even "DOUBLE DATE." What ever you do dont change completely for her, ive done it and it f*@#$^g sucks. Just try to grow with the relationship.
Good luck my friend
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2005): Wow. So you've found this awesome girl who is cool and upfront and doesn't need or want to smoke pot?? I'm having a hard time seeing what your problem is. It sounds like you both clearly communicate, and that's a great thing to have going for you. However, instead of focusing on your "wide group of friends where the situation will inevitably appear", focus on being together and getting to know each other. There will always be time to add friends to the group. You may find that the more you know about her, the less you may have the desire to smoke up. Its not about changing yourself, its about building a good foundation at this point. I really wish you the best!
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (15 September 2005):
 You've made your position clear "from the outset", as you say. But don't forget that she has every right to have her opinion, too.
You want to continue to smoke cannabis; she won't go anyplace where people are doing that. Quite apart from my personal opinion that she's making a wise choice, (since it's still an illegal and certainly an unhealthy activity, with well-understood long term health effects) you two need to work out if either of you is willing to compromise your approach.
If all of your social activities revolve around friends who are busy getting stoned, maybe you need a wider circle of friends! Speaking as a person who long ago stopped seeing the glamour of dope-smoking and can now see both sides, I can't imagine a more boring party or get-together for someone who'd rather remain straight. Being stoned is only fun on the inside of the stonee! To nonsmokers, a party full of out-of-it people is as dull as dishwater.
If smoking is that entrenched in your lifestyle, and she's that turned off by it, so that she's unwilling to go to concerts or parties because strangers there might decide to light up, then maybe she's just too straight to be your girlfriend.
Remember, you two aren't welded together. You have less than a month of your lives invested in this relationship. If you can't find common ground on a small issue like this, then there's no way you'll survive the hurdles of long-term dating, questions like attendance at religious events, where to spend your holidays, whether to let her parents or yours mind the kids, if you should bail out the no-goodnik brother-in-law... and all the other muck that goes along with sharing your life with someone.
So, talk with her. Ask if she sees any middle ground, or might be prepared to negotiate this stand she's taken. Consider if you can budge a little to accommodate her opinions. And if not, make the break now! Don't wait and hope things will "work themselves out". Sure, you might like each other now, but if you're making issues out of these tiny things so early on, you'll be at each others' throats in a few more months. Save yourselves the heartache.
Good luck with it.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (15 September 2005):
 Okay, you say you have a wide circle of friends. Surely they don't all smoke cannabis? Why not see the ones who don't when you are with your girlfriend and when you aren't with her, see the ones that do smoke it.
I think compromise is in order here. You don't have to change, just moderate things a little. She has a right to feel the way she does as do you have a right to be able to do what you want.
It could be that your girlfriend is afraid of drugs and it isn't your job to make her unafraid of it. Reduce or limit the amount you smoke, don't smoke when you are with her (cannabis) but she should also be accepting that it is a part of your life.
Talk with her about this and consider any further ways you can compromise.
Some advice might tell you not to do it because its drugs and bad for you, etc, etc but I think what is most important here is that you learn at this early stage of your relationship to be accepting of each other, understanding and able to compromise.
Good luck.
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