A
male
age
,
*xedUp
writes:She's keeping us a secret!I'm involved in a long-distance relationship. We're not kids (both in our 40's). We started contacting each other a year ago, when she was separated. Her divorce was final a few months ago, I am now separated. Yes, I know I am technically still married (and married when this started a year ago), please spare me the discussion on that topic. I'm getting bashed elsewhere on that end. The reason I'm writing: I've disclosed my relationship and feelings about her to close friends and my siblings -- but she still has not told anyone (except one of her sisters and one close friend) about us. This bothers me. She's coming here in two weeks, and I've learned from her that she's telling co-workers and friends that she is "visiting her sister." I sent her a gift to her office recently, everyone wanted to know who sent it, since they don't think (or know) she's involved with anyone. She told them that it was sent by someone who is "just an old friend."Normally stuff like this wouldn't bother me, but I feel a bit mixed up about this. Am I over-reacting? I have not told her my feelings on this yet.Thank you (in advance).MxedUp
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): She is probably afraid that the whole world and his dog will tell her she's jumping into a new relationship far too quickly. It's less aggro if she only tells those people who won't criticize her actions, or try to persuade her not to go ahead with it.
Take things one day at a time and everyone will know sooner or later. Not that it's anyone else's business anyway!
I don't think there's anything to be concerned about.
Phil
A
male
reader, MxedUp +, writes (27 September 2007):
MxedUp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Leanne, thanks for such a quick response! Just to clarify, she's brought up (voluntarily) mentioned these things like what she says and what she tells her colleagues and friends, in conversations with me.I don't mean to sound like a buffoon, I'm asking because maybe I'm doing something wrong -- she's mentioned these things, not through any questions I've raised. Is that considered "checking on her?"In fact, I've been careful not to ask too many questions of her, because she said (while the divorce was being finalized) that she didn't want to feel like she had to be accountable to anyone and wanted a little freedom. She also said that some of my questions (previously) felt like I might be a little clingy/needy and felt a bit interrogating/checking up on her.This is why I raise the point with you. Just confused!I felt that since the divorce is still pretty recent (just a few months), I really don't want to be smothering and just give her whatever space she needs, not push things. Maybe my ego was a little bruised to learn that I'm a secret. It doesn't change my overall feelings, I guess.MxedUp
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A
female
reader, leanne.od  +, writes (27 September 2007):
 the only way to solve this is to talk to her. it could just be she is being cautious, people might not be as understanding about this as your friends and family and she simply wans to chose her timing.
you seem to be checking on her, you know things like what she says and what she tells her collegues and friends. she needs to do things at her pace and you can't rush her for fear of loosing her which is very possible.
like i suggested, talk to her, ask her if she feels confident about your relationship and where it's going.
she'll respect you and be honest,
take care.
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