A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I have a question that i hoped someone might be able to help with.My problem is that I work with a lady who I usually get along with quite well, and I am attracted to her and I believe that she has some attraction towards me. We will often say hi to each other on the way to work and often chat on the transport we use, until we get to work, as well as at work. She usually makes me feel really good when we talk together. We don't really have 'laughs' but seem to get on well. She has a partner and I am single. I have a problem with her though (I guess you can call it jealousy of sorts) and that is her flirtatious nature around the office with other male colleagues- The office is large and ratio of men to women is probably about 70-30. She is always talking to different guys and joking with them, something her and i don't do much. I don't see any other woman even coming close to talking to the number of men that she does. I know that she is in relationship and I would at least like to think that she wouldn't do anything with any of them, but this causes me to be resentful towards her. This is probably as she is paying more attention to them and not me., maybe to a small degree Im thinking of her partner. I often think that he must be an incredibly fantastic and trusting guy- or maybe he just doesn't know what she is like at work. Note I have never seen her touch another guy (nor has she ever touched me), so perhaps it's deemed that everything is ok except for touching.Anyway around to my question (finally). Her (harmless?) behaviour causes to to resent her, despite the fact that i also adore her, and I can be very hot and cold with her, to the point of ignoring her on occasion when the day before we have been chatting and talking. I know i am just one of the guys and would like to think that i mean more to her as a friend, but i know i am kidding myself. I have seen signs that my 'hot' and 'cold' attitude towards her annoys her a bit, and i wondered whether anyone has ever encountered this and how is it solved. I really do value her friendship, but sometimes think perhaps it is just not worth it.Has any one any ideas on this whether you are in the man's, or woman's position?Thank you :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): Hi folks, thanks a lot for your replies, yes I very much know that the problem is mine and will do what I can to resolve it... Most of what you have said I expected to hear and agree with, it was just interesting to see the responses from differing points of view.... and I guess be 'put in my place' so to speak
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 February 2012):
 Wow she sounds just like me. I joke and flirt and even occasionally will hug my co-workers. I am an IT specialist and there are many men I work with. I am in a committed monogamous relationship and I love my partner and would never consider cheating on him. He is not overly fantastic or trusting, there is just NOTHING for him to be jealous or worried about… he knows I come home to him and our home and our bed every night.
Trust me my behavior is harmless… it’s just how I interact with the world.
Yes I have some men I flirt with more than others… because they flirt back.. and some I do it because it’ makes them embarrassed… but even they know it’s my personality and it’s in good fun…
You say you are thinking of her partner but you don’t know him, so what are you thinking….. you also say you are jealous… now that I get… you are jealous of her foisting her attentions on others and not just you.. but to be honest she’s not yours… she doesn’t see you that way and your jealousy is not warranted.
Do you think she has cleared this behavior with her partner? That he GIVES his PERMISSION for her to behave this way… Trust me it’s not that way… he KNEW her to be outgoing and flirtatious when he started with her… that’s probably how he met her… and her behavior was a given… that’s how it is for us… he knows I flirt and he’s FINE with it… it actually makes him laugh.. he does not give me permission to flirt nor DEEM what is right or wrong in my behavior… my behavior is part of what made him fall in love with me in the first place…. It’s not TOLERATED as you imply…
Her behavior is harmless to her and to her partner and to be honest for them that’s all that matters. IF her behavior harms YOU then YOU have to take the actions to protect yourself… you distance yourself from her.
If a man I flirted with on a regular basis ran hot and cold with me eventually I would just deem him not flirt material and I would distance myself from him in all but business related matters.
The problem is NOT hers nor her partners. This problem is YOUR problem.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (10 February 2012):
 Look - she is in a relationship and flirts with LOTS of men in the office. Therefore she is NOT interested in you, she is simply a naturally flirty person and is flirting with you the same as she flirts with everyone else. Flirting is ok as long as you keep it harmless i.e. no touching or taking it outside of the workplace, and she clearly sticks to these rules. So she is just a flirt, a happy woman who enjoys a laugh and enjoys the company of men.
She has a partner therefore she is not available, so move on. Dont waste your time trying to pursue someone who has a partner, she is not going to leave him for you so you are honestly wasting your time.
Accept that she is like that with all men in the office, you are nothing special to her and she isnt leaving her partner any time soon. Move on and find a single woman.
Dont try and be her friend because she is not your friend - you are her work colleague, pure and simple. Stop kidding yourself about this woman and wake up to reality, you are living in a delusional world and it really is not healthy.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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