A
female
age
41-50,
*eroshers
writes:Hi, I'm hoping for some perspective.I've been friends with a girl from school for years. She's very clever, attractive, silly and ambitious. We don't have a huge amount in common but we've had common friends over the years, we've been on holidays together, we like each others families. We've been friends for years, although we live in different countries (we still see each other 2-3 times a year).She's become quite lonely over the past couple years, and while she's very successful in her career and has a varied and interesting social life, she doesn't have any close friends. She started having an affair with a married man 18 months ago and doesn't see anything wrong about it. She doesn't want him to leave her wife, or anything like that, she says it's just sex, that she finds him extremely attractive and that she's helping his marriage because he's happier now.I don't understand how someone can:(a) fancy someone who is cheating on his wife (they have a young child) - to me, it's such a sign of bad character, that he would be disgusting to me!(b) delude themselves into thinking there's nothing wrong with having an affair(c) live with themselves, knowing that they're slowly destroying someone's life.It's as though she has some sort of social autism that prevents her from seeing the impact of her actions on others lives, and from feeling any empathy. His wife is our age, with s 2 year old toddler!! All of our friends are the same as that. I find it bewildering. I'll be seeing her tomorrow night for Christmas Eve and I'm finding it hard to think of seeing her and being friendly with her. When we were younger, she used to hit on her friend's boyfriends and I just remembered today that she said she'd make moves on a guy that I said I liked. I know people will say that I should just stop being friends with her, but we've been friends for years and I feel that she now NEEDS a friend because I'm guessing this behaviour comes from loneliness and insecurity. I suppose I need to talk to her about it but I don't know what to say - she knows I disapprove of the affair and we've discussed it over time... I just feel really sad that she's in this situation and I don't know how I can help her. Any and all advice appreciated!!
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female
reader, feroshers +, writes (25 January 2010):
feroshers is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the advice! I agree with Not My Name, that I have to focus on my interaction with her - but I find it hard to do that when she talks about him every time we meet. Like oldersister said, an option is to not discuss it at all - but then I'm accepting that I have a limited friendship where we don't discuss important things. As quietecho said, I've made my case, she knows how I feel. I wouldn't consider telling the wife for a second, or discussing anything with the husband, because I don't now them. If they were friends, then it could have been different, but I don't know them, so my concern is for her, her well-being and her mental health. And her morals :) I suppose this has made me realise that I'm far more conservative than I realised. My boyfriend says it's none of my business, she's an adult and has to live her own life, and my role is her friend to support her. If I can't support her current actions, then I need to back away from the friendship, like Not My Name says. I find that hard to do, because I think the affair is symptomatic of a lack of friends, so backing away would be worst thing for me to do. So, I suppose all I can do is keep my position consistent, and remain friends with her. If she doesn't like that I disapprove of her affair, then she can maintain her distance, but I'll be there for her when she needs me. That's the plan, anyway :)Thanks again for your replies, much apreciated!
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (24 December 2009):
 Unless she has asked for your advice or help, then it is not up to you to make her change her perspective from her own to yours.
I think you should butt out and focus on your own interaction with her, not her interaction with others,... and if you find it too difficult to not pass moral judgement on her, then back off on the friendship.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 December 2009):
Your friend has major issues that begin way back in her childhood. Clearly she either has trouble forging close relationships, or is such a mess she thinks the best she can do is a man who doesn't give a damn about her. The trouble is, there's so little you can do. I think the best you can do it just keep talking to her and listen to her, and try to find out about her past. Maybe if you start there she will open up to you.
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