A
male
age
36-40,
*ob's88
writes:Hi everybodyMe and my girlfriend have been dating for almost 5 months now. Im 20 and she's 23. I seem too keep on having an issue with her past. She's had sex with around 30 guys. Could be more. I myself have been with 17 girls, and as such I am not totally inexperienced myself. We have a really good thing going, and I love her more than Ive ever loved anyone. But her past haunts me to the point that I get sick to my stomach sometimes. Coincindentally she's even had several run-ins with guys from the past while I was present. About 4 times this happened, and it bugs me. She admitted to me that she went clubbing with a guy she'd been with, who she's still friends with, along with some girlfriends behind my back. She said she was scared of telling me, as she didn't want me to get upset or jealous, but the incident did affect my trust. I know that she really loves me, and she keeps telling me that Im the one, and that Ive changed her. I believe her, but how do I let go of this nagging feeling I have??
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male
reader, MBaachman  +, writes (30 June 2009):
QUOTE "So that's 30 other guys who look at you and go DAMN that guy is one lucky sonofa. THEY are jealous of YOU."
Yeah... That's what they are saying. Sheesh. Do actually know any men? Those 30 guys are just glad they got a piece of tail while they could. His "best girl" is nothing but 30 locker room stories.
A
male
reader, SubtleTsunami +, writes (21 June 2009):
Hey again, By the way, I was just going to add that yeah, I agree with Miss Anonymous who said that messing around with past loves is a red card offense. It's not necessarily saying you don't trust her, it's asking her, if she cares about your feelings, not to put you into highly uncomfortable situations. And frankly, even though the gas may be contained in a tank, why risk lighting a match? Relationships are relationships because people relate. Once you're in one, you don't just live-for-you anymore. You have to take into consideration the thoughts and feelings of the other person. If she bucks you on this, ask her if it would bother her if you went to see strippers. If it does, why? You're not actually doing anything with them. So what's the problem? She doesn't want you 'desiring' another woman? Well, you can't know for sure she isn't 'desiring' her ex. So, touche. And remember, you need to focus on whether or not this girl is compatible with you. Love is great, and it's definitely a requirement, but love alone is NOT enough. I've had love and nothing else and it is no good. The relationship will go down hill and you both will hurt as a result. Make sure that the love is supported by compatibility. As far as the trust issue goes. Gosh, that's a nasty one too. I wouldn't give up your trust in her yet, just because of that one lie. But if you find that there were more reasons other than 'protecting' you from feeling negative feelings, i'd start worry. If you get anymore lies from her and you start to feel suspicious, i'd start to worry. But the most important thing is, trust how you feel when it comes to the lying. And make sure you always know where the boundary is between what you believe and what you WANT to believe. Never, EVER let those two get mixed up, or cross into each other. If you find yourself thinking "Man, it'd be so great if this is really the truth," but deep down, you feel a nagging uneasiness that you might be being fooled or having the wool pulled over your eyes, trust the uneasiness first. Sincerely,
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A
male
reader, SubtleTsunami +, writes (21 June 2009):
Hey man,
This is an issue I too have faced many times; and an issue I think many guys face. Truth is all girls should ignore other guys and sleep with just us right? Lol, I know, that's totally irrational, but hey it's how you feel. Right? Anyways though, let me see if I can't shed some light on this issue for you.
First of all, the answer is not to just "grow up". What does one actually mean when they say that? No offense to the user who's advice this was. But if you try to interpret this advice into action, what do you come up with? Well, only a few things. 1) Ignore the feeling. 2) Pretend it doesn't exist. or 3) Stop feeling it. (This is probably, subconsciously, what the user intended) However, if you look at these three solutions, you'll quickly see that you've already tried all of them and you'll also quickly see exactly how much luck you've had with each--which is none.
If I had to guess, this is probably driving you up a wall in ways you don't totally understand. The feelings you have about it are feelings you can probably barely 'really' identify. I know what you mean, and why you're not using a figure of speech when you say 'sick to your stomach'. The truth is, this is neither a primary emotion (anger, fear, sadness, etc.), nor any other kind of emotion alone. It's a mixture of several, hard to pin down emotions derived from several different issues. To illustrate this point, look at this. If you think about whether or not any of the 30 guys were better than you and consider the possibility that maybe one of them was, you will feel one kind of pain. Out of the ball of painful feelings, one will grow a little stronger than the others for a moment. But you will notice a feeling of there being "others." This alone, you will feel, is not the only issue. There is still something else. More than one 'else' even, maybe.
Two things, right off the bat. 1) Yes, you have double standards. 2) Yes, you are insecure. Guess what? This is nothing out of the ordinary. But you don't have double standards as much as you think you do; it is due to a partial misunderstanding of exactly where your problem lies that makes you think you have a double standard. More on this in a minute*. Second of all, insecurity is not a bad thing or a thing that means you are weak or whatever other nonsense. Insecurity is a survival instinct. If you're driving with a person who is a wreckless driver, you will feel insecure. It wouldn't matter how strong, tough, muscular, smart, etc. etc. you were. You would still feel insecure. Insecurity is what evolution has given our bodies to warn us of danger or of "possible" danger. Anytime anyone is in unknown territory, insecurity will hit. Some may not admit it, but that doesn't matter. It is there. Look at security... what is it? Secure - certain, sure, solid. Free from fear. This is no trait or attribute that one either has or does not have. It is like a radar scanning the area ahead for risk. Security is a word about the future, not the present. We're secure, not when we know this particular minute is okay, but when we know that in two hours, it will be okay, or tomorrow, or a week from now, or however long. Security is all about knowing of safety in the future. Of no imminent danger in the future. When there is a problem in the 'now' so to speak, we're too busy dealing with it already to feel insecure about it. We can 'feel' insecurity in the present, but mainly we feel it 'about' the future. If you knew that tomorrow you wouldn't have this issue, everything would be okay.
You may now be thinking, "why then do we speak of one being secure in themselves?" With strengths and abilities one has more assurance that whatever comes they will be okay. If you haven't done much in your life besides drink, party, have fun and play, then you don't have much to make you believe that you can deal with future troubles well. If this is the case, it's okay. Once more, very common. However, if you lift weights, learn to fight maybe, learn how to be good with people/women, and other abilities like this, educating yourself being another, then you have more and more reassurance that no matter what comes your way in the future...you can handle it.
Okay, back onto the main road now. You may be wondering what does all this have to do with your issue; let me break it down as best I can. Love and lust are two different things in our culture. We look at love as something rare and valuable, and lust as something cheap and dirty (for the most part). But the two are separated by context alone, and soley by outward appearances tend to look the same. So it is easy to have them tripping over one another and getting confused as to which is which. This entire issue is largely a question of value. Suppose for a second you had a favorite video game. This game was purchased for you maybe by a very dear loved one who isn't around anymore. This game has been with you for as long as you remember and it is very valuable to you. If anything happened to it, you would suffer excruciating pain. Yes, eventually you would move on, but it would be hard and very painful. You do not want this game getting broken. So you have this friend, who loves video games, and he is very interested in this game you have. You go over to his house to hang out and look at what games he has. What you find, you are disappointed with, and made very insecure by. This person does not value games very much. He has disk's laying out open on the floor, many of them are scratched up. A few, maybe, are in their cases, but his house is a wreck, disorderly, unclean. And generally 90% of the games aren't taken care of.
What's really going on with you here, in your mind? Even if you aren't aware of it, you are making character judgements about your friend. If he wants to borrow your game, you can only safely assume he is going to treat it the way he treats his other games. You ask if he has borrowed games from other people, and have they gotten broken? Since he hasn't actually asked to borrow yours yet, he tells the truth. Yes, he has borrowed and broken before. So what will make yours separate? What will make your game "special" to him, so he will treat it right, respect it and not break it? Well, there isn't any obvious reason. You can safely conclude that if you lend him your most prized game, it will get broken like the others, and you will be in excruciating pain. You will feel insecurity about this issue, probably. He is your best friend and would be insulted if you didn't let him borrow it, should he ever ask. He may even not speak to you ever again. He's sensitive about these things.
Okay though, enough analogies, let me show you how this relates. By looking at your girlfriend's past, sexual past in particular, you, whether you want to or not, are making character judgements. How does she treat sex? Is it something valuable to her? Or not? She's had it before, and obviously those that she's had it with are gone, or atleast she isn't 'with' them now. What makes you special? What makes your relationship special? What separates you from the others? How do you know you won't just be another name on her guest list? Now like I said, this is not a solitary, single, issue. It is many. You obviously value her, quite a bit, if you love her, but you experience pain if you think a thought like this one: okay well she's valuable to me, she means the entire world to me, but she was some other guys one night stand. So my most valuable person is a lowly quickie for some other guy? Does that mean he's more valuable than me? And hence has to work less for the same thing? This is nonsense of course. She didn't have a one-night stand with anyone to please anyone but herself. But these are the thoughts you think. This issue hurts in many different ways. But it largely comes down to, what makes MY relationship with her rise above all the rest?
The other thing that adds to insecurity is that a 23-year old girl who has slept with 30+ guys obviously doesn't value sex that much. Or this is what you are led to believe by her actions anyhow. Now, i'm not saying that she can't or hasn't changed. But I would not fall into the belief that she has changed just because she is with you. From personal experience, I have found that thought to be a dangerous one.
The reason that you do not totally have a double standard, I believe, is this. Yes, you have slept with 17 girls, but YOU know in YOUR heart, that none of them mean anything in comparison to the one before you now. YOU know in YOUR heart what separates them from her. YOU know what makes her unique and special. So it is not so much that you are saying 'I should be allowed to sleep around with whoever and not be a virgin, but the girl I get should be a virgin' as much as it is you saying 'It's not fair that she can have no reason to worry about the security of our relationship and I do.'
In conclusion, I want to say that I have not yet fixed this issue in myself, but I am making considerable progress, and more each and every day. It is a terribly difficult one to deal with. But I believe the cure lies in a total and complete understanding of the problem. As far as current advice, I would say this. You will ultimately have to find out whether or not this relationship is going to work for you. But I will tell you something to make it easier. It depends largely on whether or not you are able to conquer/overcome this issue. It is the single greatest threat to everything you hold dear with her. Once more, I know from personal experience. As far as what to do with her, this is what I suggest. You can tell her about this issue if you haven't already, talk to her about it, and explain how you feel. Whether or not she'll talk to you about it, and for how long, will all give you clues to her personality and whether or not she is the type of girl you can make something work with. However, once the issue has been talked about, and it isn't getting anywhere/going any further, drop it and do not bring it up anymore. You will decide if she stays or goes. You are the only one who can fix this issue, although others in your life may be able to help. But once it has been talked out, talking it out further, arguing, or anything like that will not help. It will just destroy the relationship further, and make her feel bad. Try to resist the urge to 'punish' her for this, by being in bad moods, passive-aggressive punishments, etc. I know how strong the pain and feelings are and believe me there will be times when you will be frustrated and want to take it out on her, but this will not help, only hurt. You're trying to disarm a bomb, you have to try not to set it off in the process. As much as I hate to say it, if you are unable to get rid of this issue, the relationship probably will not work. It's too much like hugging a cactus. The closer you get to her, the more it's going to hurt. And if you build up resentment toward her, it'll be like a quick spreading cancer that may be terminal. So like I said, YOU will have to decide for you what's right.
I sincerely hope my response was helpful and I apologize about the length, but this issue cannot be dealt with in brevity very easily. My e-mail address is [email address blocked] if you would like to e-mail me and talk more about this, feel free. I would also highly suggest that you look up a psychologist/therapist in your area and talk to them about this. This is an important issue in your life and you should give it the time. Going to a therapist and working through the journey that goes on there is a great process and one you will be thankful for, for the rest of your life. My best wishes to you and your relationship.
Sincerely,
P.S Everyone in life has issues like these; sometimes many of them. You can really only run, hide, or turn stare it in the face and draw your sword. What defines you as a person is which option you choose. Draw on it, don't run or hide. It will only hunt you down and grow bigger and stronger from the exercise.
AND
P.S You haven't "given" anyone a past. Any girl who slept with you did it because she wanted to. If she didn't want a "past", she wouldn't have done it.
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A
male
reader, Hasden  +, writes (9 May 2009):
 If i were you, I'd dump her.Good luck, Dude !!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): Grow up. Don't even TRY to change her! You loved her for who she is not who you wish she was. Grow UP. People have sex. She didn't know you when she had sex with them. Grow up. Get over it. You are just insecure that they were better than you. Reality is? She's with YOU. So that's 30 other guys who look at you and go DAMN that guy is one lucky sonofa. THEY are jealous of YOU.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009):
I agree that you've totally run out of reason to complain if you've had 17 yourself. Double standard, bud. You yourself are already "one of the 30" that probably is messing up least 17 other guys like you right now.
But even if you'd been a virgin there would not be many people with a different answer for you here. Either you deal with how much it hurts every day or you don't. It's never going away.
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A
male
reader, MBaachman +, writes (4 May 2009):
Hey man, I feel your pain. I too am dating a "reformed slut". Good luck with that...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): She is 3 years older than you and done a couple more guys, why do you think that you won't hit 30 by the time your 23? If you love her more then you've ever loved anyone then this really shouldn't matter to you, especially since you are both fairly promiscuous people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): Sounds obvious that you're gonna keep bumping into guys who're thinking "I've had her!" If you can't handle that - and why should you be expected to - then bail out now.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic  +, writes (3 May 2009):
 If you don't like it dump her!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): You been with a lot of girls at the age of twenty. I'm 19 and that would be a bit of a turn off for me but I wouldn't hold it against a guy. If you can't handle her past then get out of the relationship, there's no point letting it build up and start resenting her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): the past makes the present - so if she hadnt had these things, then she wouldn't be the woman in front of you. You love her, you have to trust her. Ignore the nagging feelings - she has chosen you over them - all of them. Be Happy.
- if you believe her - (funny how the past creeps up) then good. Then she will change - but you have to tell her that messing around with past love's is a red card offence and a No.
Has she been STI checked? Have you?
Star.x.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (3 May 2009):
 Well you both got a past. You gave 17 girls a past, so why should you expect a virgin with number 18?
Double standards, you got them.
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