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male
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anonymous
writes: I am 24 and have been in my current relationship for 6 months now. It is only my second relationship and my first lasted for about 4 years and they are the only two women i have ever slept with. I love her more than anything but am having a real hard time coming to terms with her past. I knew and accepted that she had had previous sexual partners before me but i guess at first i was niave or using my own life as some sort of standard. She has told me how she used to pick up guys most weekends and that she was a slut cos she lost her virginity pretty young. she hasnt told me how many guys she has slept with but i think it may be anywhere from 30-50+ and i dont know if i actually want to ask. she has givin me some pretty graphic details like how one guy was a slut because he "knew how to treat a woman" and its true what they say about black guys. i know it is probably just my insecurity but its really eating away at me and affecting our realationship. i dont know what i expect her to say or do about it, i know its not right for me to try and make her feel guilty but i dont know how else to ease me mind. when we are going to places where there is someone she has slept with she tells me how there was no spark and it was just sex but i think that is what saddens/dissapoints me the most, and i try and avoid going. i also found out later that she had slept with someone 1-2 weeks before me and im also having problems with that. I am glad she is honest with me and i probably weened the truth out of her in a way, but i just dont want to let this destroy our relationship and i want to be able to get past it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2005): She is not the girl for you.
For her to be where she is and you where you are, you must have significantly different values.
Move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2005): if you're not comfortable and can't get over it, then move on. she might not be the one for you dude.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2005): I was in a very similar situation to your earlier this year. She was my first, I was her 40-something. Lots of them were in relationships but there were also enough one-night stands and the like. I tried really hard to be understanding and see past my male prejudices. She wasn't a whore or a porn star - she liked sex, she was pretty good at it, she had self-esteem issues which had driven her to some sluttish behaviour. And it can't have been easy for her, dealing with someone who was scared of sex (to start with, anyway).But the issue remained a problem for me. When I was stressed at work or angry with her it would come back to horrify me. I would count strangers on the street, or look at a sports team and think how many players there were on the pitch - and then let myself think ill of her as a result. I got a terrible habit of writing out forty-two characters on a piece of paper, just to see the extent of the damage.This was all hurtful, harming, disrespectful behaviour on my part and I deeply regret it. She had her own psychological issues about the subject and didn't need me aggravating them. So what's my advice to you? I worry that if you are like me, this issue will make it very hard for you to find happiness or contentment with this person - it will always be something that lessens or cheapens her in your eyes, regardless of how one might view her actions in terms of morality. That's very damaging and trying to work around this problem will be extremely hard, since you'll find yourself thinking badly of her at moments of stress or unhappiness when you are least in control of your emotions. You may have to walk away if you really feel you can't get past it, but don't try and hurt her in the process.
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A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (2 November 2005):
honesty is good but she sounds like a slut to me. find out if this has changed. some of the things she says makes it sound like she's either trying to make you see what a good catch you have or she is just showing off. being positive about yourself is good but it seems to me like she's the one with the insecurities. if you want to be with her, let her know you will help her overcome any issues she has with herself. make her believe you think she's the most beautiful girl in the world. it's often negative feelings about ourselves that cause us to do and say negative things with others
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