A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am an Indian. In our culture arrange marriage system is prevalent. Recently my best friend got engaged to someone. Her parents found that guy for her. Its been an year but not a day passed when she didn't complain about him. She always tells me that this guy never calls her, in one year he only met her two times that too for 15 minutes. He never makes any eye contact while talking to her. He works only 15 minute away from her office but he always avoids meeting her. In those two occasion when they met..she reached home quite late but he never bothered to call her and enquire about her safety.My problem is she is my best friend, its a 17 year old friendship..she was always there for me when i was facing hardships in my life, I can clearly see that this guy is wrong for her, i tried my best to convince her to leave this guy, she always complain that her life is mess because of this man, she said she doesn't love him, she hates him. And when i tell her to leave him she is like i don't know how to break this relationship because my gut is telling me that one day i will change this man. He will change for me after marriage. So i decided that now on i will not advice her its her life she should do what she wants to do. Her parents are pretty liberal people they have told her clearly that they will respect her choice. No one is forcing her. But she says i don't think i deserve any good guy in my life..so i will not let him go. I am so confused on one hand she always ask for advice and the moment i tell her okay fine if you are that unhappy leave him, she is like i want to leave him but i don't know how to leave him..i don't know how to stand for myself.what if i am losing a great guy..what if i remain single through out my life..finally a guy said yes to me. Please tell me what should i do ? She is very dear to me. But at the end of the day its her life not even once i offered advice without being asked. I know that what she is doing is wrong but on one hand i don't want her to destroy her life but on the other hand i don't want to be the one to make decision for her.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 September 2017):
 That may be slightly off topic, but I can't help being surprised by a person / society which accepts- favours , in fact ! - arranged marriages , then want them to come with all the trappings of Western style romance.
I mean, basically your friend complains that her fiance' is not romantic, not attentive, does not court her, does not want to spend his free time with her ...
Well, is this so strange ? what was she expecting ? This is an arranged marriage, maybe the guy accepted because wanted to please his parents and do what society wants from him, but he is not particularly attracted to / interested in the person ( your friend ) that his family chose for her. As, after all, likewise she does not seem much into him.
If the guy accepted , surely he thinks your friend will be an acceptable / adequate partner from all the finnacial, social, cultural points of view and will be able of fulfilling her duties of wife / mother / lady of the house. But that, based on that, he should also CARE, he should also be in love with her, and treat her as his love object... isn't this having very unrealistic expectations ?
I think your friend is straddling the fence , culturally. If she is Ok with having an arranged marriage, then she should realize that romantic love is not necessarily what these things are about and she'll get her satisfaction from status, security, raising her family, social acceptance etc.
If she wants to be CHOSEN and loved and cherished in a more personal way, for what she is and how she is - then she should refuse any arranged marriage, and seek out a partner by herself, just based on what and whom SHE likes .
Not saying that this second way would be easy for her- just that apparently she wants to have her cake and eat it too, and not always that's possible in life.
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 So sorry! Misread your details...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo i don't have any romantic feelings for her. She is like a sister to me. I am already dating a wonderful man. I know you all are right..its her life and she should be the one to take decisions. I told her the same. I told her stop asking me..ask yourself what you truly want..you will get all your answer. You have only one life..do not make your decision on some future based hope.
Honestly i don't like to interfere in her life. She always ask for advice but very rarely i give...so today only i vented what i actually felt about this whole situation ..normally i only listen to everything that she says But now every day she calls me, ...everyday she complains..sometimes she talks about suicide.Sometimes she says i will marry him than i will get divorce. Sometimes she talks like a crazy person..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2017): You are a loving and considerate person. Offering advice on this site, I have learned that people ask for advice; but they don't always listen to it. Some need a place to vent, some already know the answers, and some only want a push.
You can't tell people how to live their lives. They have a free will and their own mind. Your advice is a seed. You plant that seed, and it may germinate if it is in fertile soil. A sprout only grows if there is fertile soil to support it's growth and nourishment. The human mind is the same.
You are giving her your loyalty and support. She has the final-say in what she does to conduct her life.
Her parents recognized this woman has many weaknesses; and they sought to find someone they think will take care of her. She is faulting their selection of a husband as her problem; but your attempt to help her falls on deaf ears. She claims she doesn't know how to get out of it, he doesn't contact her, and she hates him. Not to fret, she's not married yet. This challenge is on her to overcome.
It is very likely he doesn't love her either. The reason he was chosen as her future betrothed; is because her parents are aware of her indecisive and helpless nature.
They see her frailties and weaknesses; and assume finding her a good husband will compensate for her shortcomings; and a man will take care of her.
They don't trust her to make a good decision on her own.
That old-school of thought often proves itself wrong. Sometimes by chance, it works out. They want grandchildren, and to see to her welfare as they age. They don't see her making a good life for herself; because she doesn't prove to have the tools to do so. Then there's tradition. That justifies them to stick their noses in her business. You've witnessed how she handles things. She throws up her hands, and just lets life happen.
Leave her to the consequences that befall her. Foolish people only learn the hard way. Through experience, and the consequences of repeated mistakes. Through hardship and discomfort. She'll see that living in weakness and indecisiveness will only lead to misery and unhappiness.
Being a woman does not mean frailty and helplessness. That's why so many females suffer. They adopt the notion they are to be cared for and protected. Not so. Even if culture and tradition tries to force them to believe it. Life will present challenges that will beat some sense and strength into you. Smart women learn to get around outdated traditions and the unfairness that male-dominated societies try to thrust upon them. Let's cite you as one of those examples. You know what you'd do if you were in her shoes. You live in the same culture.
We all as individuals have to develop tools of survival. So life will present the challenges necessary to force us to do what we must to survive. Those who don't grow, shrivel and die in their underdeveloped infancy. They fall victim to their own weakness and ignorance. Weaklings are good at passing fault and blame. They whine and despair in their helplessness; but time and experience eventually teaches the stupid just how stupid they are.
Wisdom comes from living and overcoming obstacles. Making mistakes, and learning by doing. Recovering after defeat or injury.
Love and pray for your friend. Do not try to live her life for her. She will learn, and if the soil is fertile; the seed you have planted will grow.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit +, writes (21 September 2017):
It's wonderful that you care so much and put so much value on your friend's happiness.
I will first say that I wish with all my heart that relationship counseling was mandatory before marriage for everyone. Why? Because we as human beings, tend to go into situations with ideas in our heads that have nothing to do with reality.
The reality here is that she is unhappy with her fiance so far and he does not seem to be making an effort to get to know her or have her know him.
The second reality here is this: you can't change people. Your friend is not being honest with herself. She is placing all her hopes that he might change after they wed and it will be happily ever after. It won't. If he has no interest in her now, that is unlikely to change after the ceremony. And then what? As I understand, divorce isn't favored in your culture. Is she willing to take the risk and remain unhappy forever?
The third reality: She has a choice. Thankfully, her parents seem to care about her happiness. It is terribly sad that she does not believe she deserves to be loved by a good man...You have advised her on the matter and unfortunately, there's not much more you can do. She seems to have made her choice...
Forgive me for asking but do you hold any romantic feelings for her? I just ask because friends always make the best relationship partners if the feelings are there...
I would advise her to have an honest talk with her fiance about his feelings on the situation. This might shed light for her. Who knows? He might be just really shy and/or nervous about taking such a big step in life. Some people hide when confronted with stressful situations and he might be reacting to the pressure. Though they're engaged, they should still start "dating" and get to know one another. If the situation is really hopeless, she needs to move one for both her happiness and his. He is not the only man available.
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