A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a girl for about 11 months now. We met a month before that while she was dating another guy. Though she said things like she wanted to kiss me, I flat out refused while she said she was still in a relationship with the other guy. She had said things with him had been falling apart for months. One night she told me she had broken up with him finally and we met up and kissed and from there we have been dating. However, she told me that she did not want to be official because she didn't want to appear to be moving between guys too quickly. I respected that and as long as we acted like boyfriend/girlfriend I didn't mind. I treated her better than anyone I have ever treated. In June, we went to Hawaii after we got out of school. While we were there, she began getting emails to her phone calling her things like a slut and a cheater from a fake email address with the name of a close friend of hers, a guy she referred to as her brother. Though she had been acting strange and guilty (which I told her) she convinced me it had to be her ex. The emails continued with one that bothered me that said tell your boyfriend or I will. I told her if there was something I needed to know, she better be the one to tell me. She insisted it was all lies and told me she was afraid I was beginning to believe the messages. Because of this, I began to become suspicious. She often logs on to her facebook account on my computer so since she didn't log off, I checked through her messages. I found one that she sent to multiple friends of hers. In which she tells everyone about having sex with her ex the night she found out he cheated on her. When I asked her about it, she again sounded suspicious, but denied it. She said she was trying to make his new girlfriend jealous by spreading the rumor. It seemed to make sense, but I still wasn't happy. We had a serious conversation where I told her she needed to come clean about anything and everything. The only thing she said then was that she danced with a guy at a club. From her description she danced "like a middle schooler." I was still unsure of her, so I began to ask some of our friends about what they knew. As it turns out, she told many of our friends that she did hook up with her ex just like the message said. I was also told that she hooked up with with her close friend (her "brother") a week later. I was at the party but had to leave early. Apparently she told everyone at the party that they had sex at night, and then told everyone the next morning that they had sex again. When I asked her about this, she said that they started and stopped because she felt awkward and it was a mistake. Of course I did not believe this because from what our friends said, they had it twice. Again, she said that he tried again, but she refused. I did find out from her friends that she had stayed at the guy's house later in our relationship (3 months in). It was a party I couldn't go to because I was sick with mono. They believed her when she said she only slept on the couch. Though I did not know the truth, when I called her, I told her I knew what she did at his house. She asked who told me. I said only two people could tell me (I did have the guy's number) and she admitted it was true. I asked her why and she said she was using him for the sex (because we weren't having it because I was sick with mono). She cheated right before her birthday and Christmas, and I feel like she didn't tell me so she would still get gifts and what not. In January, she began pushing for me to take her to Hawaii, which we did. Though she never came clean, she tells me I now know everything (though she said that every day for a week as I kept uncovering things). She has cheated in the past, but on a guy she didn't date very long, says she never loved (never said I love you to him) and she cheated after she knew he was going out of town to try to get back with another girl (so I don't know if it's fair to call it cheating). She says she is willing to do anything to win me back, but my problem is, if she wasn't going to tell me, shouldn't she have been making the changes on her own? When I asked her to stop talking with an ex (because he hit her in the past and was asking her to come over to drink), she still talked to him (though after she was caught the second time, it seems like he is gone). She has removed a lot of people from her life in the past two weeks or so, but is stopping short with the family of the guy she cheated on me with. The guy's sister is an old friend of hers, but I told her I don't ever want to see that family again, and she can't be trusted around that guy so it can't work. I have repeatedly told her I do not think that we can work things out, but she insists that she can change and can win me back. While it may be nothing, it could be worth noting that she has been out of town for as long as a week before and acted strange when away i.e. no contact for whole nights after getting off work, not telling me (being unclear or perhaps downright lying) of where she is. While there was suspicious behavior, I didn't think she actually cheated, but knowing that she did in the past and got away with it, makes me wonder if she did on any of these weeks away. The fact that she never came clean with me makes me wonder if she is hoping that I have found out all I can find out.Also, she had recently been talking about engagement (which I told her before was too soon). Originally she said she was going to tell me eventually, but while she was yelling once she let it slip that she was never going to tell me. It's hard to say for sure if she is really willing to do ANYTHING like she says she will, but if this is to continue (and feel free to say get rid of her) what would the ground rules be? I realize if I go too soft she will feel like she got away with it and feel like she can walk all over me, but if I go too hard she will resent me and more than likely cheat again. I told her, if she wasn't going to tell me, shouldn't she have tried to make the changes on her own then? I have told her and she has agreed to go to counseling (free at our school). I have made it clear that she has little chance, but she insists she wants to try to win me back. What should I do?
View related questions:
cheated on me, christmas, facebook, her ex, I love you, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): Step 1: Look up Borderline Personality Disorder
Step 2: run away and don't look back.
|
