A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have been tearing my self apart with anxiety for the past month. She would go out with her friends no problem. Consistently every Friday night. One night she wasn't home by 1:30. OK, then is was past 2. Uh starting to feel a bit worried. Called her no answer. Oh fuck. Called again half-hour nothing. Realize I don't have any numbers for her friends and I'm trapped in the house because she has the car w/ the kids car seats in it. Well another 20 minutes goes by and get a call from her. She is apologizing profusely, she had fallen asleep on her friends couch and her friend innocently didn't wake her and put a blanket on her. So she got home later and I calmed down. But since then she stays out almost as late every Friday and has decided to go out several other times a week on a few occasions. She is into facebook now, getting back in touch with old friends and acquaintances from when she was in high school, college and working as a bartender. She was a hippie type free spirit. But not when we met. I was never that type. I have limited interest in partying and felt it was nice to not have to party anymore now that we had a family. We quite smoking in 2003 it was a major accomplishment we did together. Come to find out she had been hiding smoking when she was going out.She has been a stay at home mom since the second was on the way. Kids are 16 months apart. She blames me for ignoring her when she was looking after the kids. I never stayed out. I was there for anything that was needed, I was not making sure she did no work after I was home but I sure the hell wasn't out till three in the morning. She would have FREAKED out if I had pulled that stunt. Now I don't think she would care if I was out. She is more confident and hard hearted. She was so fragile and needed to be held before. This is one of the toughest things seeing her make that transition.So now its been a month of not sleeping. Ive tried drinking, smoking pot one of her friends gave her(she doesn't smoke so wasn't that odd?) partying with her, buying smokes etc.. to try and get back in sync with her or just shock her into seeing what i was capable of in dealing with this stress.We talk during the day and every night about these issues and usually we are ok by the ends with me apologizing that I made her unhappy. We started to see a counselor, and I'm due to get on anxiety drugs this Friday. She has almost always been on something, currently bupropion. I never took prescriptions much, maybe Tylenol a couple times a year. But what the hell, she and the counselor think its a great idea. if it allows me to sleep and feel ok with her new lifestyle so be it right.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): (Im the OP) I appreciate your reply. But either through your interpretation or my poor writing you have some things a bit off base. I had no problem with her going out. But when it became 2, 3am, and multiple times a week I started getting anxious. When I saw that my concerns were met with disinterest is when it increased.
I LOVED her having more confidence. When I first saw her happy again and interested in her appearance and weight I was ecstatic. But I came to realize I was not much part of her happiness. If you haven't lived with someone with clinical depression you may not see my poorly presented point. I feel like I sacrificed through the hard parts and others get her when she is able to have fun.
I don't want to control her and I never have. Its odd you describe my behavior as destructive but not hers. I have come to realize that possibly destructive behavior, (and smoking and drinking NEVER did anyone any long term good) is what she wants. I just want her happy, happy with me, us our family.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): I can tell u from the other side, as i am a wife and mother. I've been married for many years, and also stayed home w/kids. I started going out when my daughter was alittle older like 6-7 w/my girlfriends.
Because your wife goes out and comes home late (1-2a.m. is not that terribly late by the way, doesn't mean she is cheating on you. I go out almost every week, but not to find sex on a side. Simply because my husband hates bars, and i working at home simply need to see vibrant young people having a good time and kind of be a part of it.
Tha's all. Of-course guys come up and talk to us, so what? It means nothing, noone is straying on our outings w/girlfriends.
What worries me hear that you have obvious control issues. You liked the fact that your wife was insecure and fragile, so you felt very much needed. Now she is all grown up and confident and you start to worry.
That's really not love, sorry to say that. if you loved her you'd be happy with transition. Confidence is good, it gives you a feeling of well being, you should be happy for her.
Your anxieties come from a fact that you have your own issues to work on. i d advice you to find a good therapist, that wouldn't prescribe you antianxiety drugs, but will help you to look inside yourself and find out the real reason of your anxieties.
You don't need to assume your wifes lifestyle, if you don't like it, deffinitely not smoking pot and drinking. It's a self distructive behavour, that you don't want to into. Really find a good therapist, someone to talk to. Good luck
We can do it if we want it during a day, when husbands are at work.
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