A
male
age
30-35,
*KMan27
writes:i have been with my fiancee for almost 4 years now and we are actively planning our wedding. she has confessed to me that she has been flirting with her ex on text, flirting with other guys on web chat and has also been flashing on webchat. she says this is because we dont have enough sex, but we have it approx 3 times a week. i am joining the army so if she's like this when i'm around what will she be like when i'm away for months at a time?Is this cheating? how can i ever trust her again? advice please
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female
reader, babylove25  +, writes (9 January 2015):
Of course that's cheating!! She's been with you for too long to act like this and I'm pretty sure she would be hurled if you did the same. Sounds like you love her a lot and she's just too comfortable in this relationship. By the looks of things if your on this site seeking advice, I can tell you really want to make things work out with her. Always remember if she does this once, she will do it again. I know history is something you guys have that is holding your relationship together, but if she truly loved you she wouldn't be exposing herself on the web and she wouldn't be thinking about her ex. It just gives him a reason to not respect your relationship, I'm not perfect. We only live once and from the looks of it, she probably confessed to you because she does want to make things work. Sometimes guys get lazy in a relationship and forgot about pleasing the woman...
She's looking for something out there because your not giving her the attention she needs, maybe she's not the problem. Maybe you have to spice things up with her, after all you guys are engaged, she's probably thinking is this all he has to offer to me...sounds like your so focused on what you want in life, maybe she's just finding herself, either way only time will telll.. sleep on it, everything will fall into place
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 January 2015):
 Chigirlis right on
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 January 2015):
 Yes, this is cheating :( And passing blame as a defence... Its to avoid talking about her cheating, so she makes it about lack of sex... But it has nothing to do with that. People who cheat will always make up some exvise, but the truth is that there is NO excuse. I advice you to rethink this relationship, maybe post pone the wedding, if not cancel it.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame +, writes (5 January 2015):
of course she is cheating and there's no excuse for that. it's not your fault.
it doesn't make sense to commit to someone who isn't ready to commit to you
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 January 2015):
 NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
She is LYING her ass off to you! But I think on an elemental level, you already know it, but your own fear keeps you from standing up for yourself.
When you join the army, do it as a single man. She is cheating because she is a disloyal cheater. It's HER choice, her disrespect, her disloyalty, and her disgusting lies.
Blaming you for her cheating is the oldest excuse in the book, and by now, the wronged partners in this world should have enough intestinal fortitude to take the cheater to task for this lie.
In your case, I would have said "testicular fortitude", however since I have great respect for the armed forces (having been a past member), I won't say that about you, because it takes balls to defend your country.
In your case, I think you know what to do, but inertia and comfort keeps you from doing what you already know to do, and that's to turn the page on your life in every single area, meaning you don't have attachment at home when you go off to serve.
You said "how can i ever trust her again?"
Simple. You don't. It's one thing to be disloyal, come to your senses, and throw yourself at the mercy of your partner and dedicate your life to change. It's another to blame the victim for cheating on him. She will not be loyal to you. The fact that it's her ex means that you are being used already.
Do not marry her. You will mourn her being out of your life, but it is worth it and will save you a lot more pain. At this point in time, she is already with her ex and you are the chump.
Make the break, go serve your country, and find someone who cherishes you and you alone. Trust me - there are plenty of women who will love you with no holdouts.
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A
female
reader, celia_a +, writes (5 January 2015):
 Yes, this constitutes cheating.
Her behavior is highly inappropriate and disrespectful towards you.
I suggest you do as Honeypie and WiseOwlE have suggested and proceed by *not* marrying her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 January 2015):
 I agree with WiseOwlE
Getting married is NOT the right thing to do for you two, not as things stand. And yes, she IS cheating. She is seeking attention and sexual gratification (even if it's "only" from guys LOOKING at her, but nevertheless STILL cheating).
1. Her excuse for doing what she did was BLAMING you for it. As in because she doesn't get enough sex she did it. That may be PART of why she is doing it, but not the whole reason.
2. What do you think she will do when you deploy? Deployments can be 90 days or MORE, then what?
3. What would she do if the shoe was on the other foot and YOU did these things?
Have you ASKED her these questions?
I would STOP the wedding plans. I would advice some PRE-marital counseling and I would advice that you think LONG and hard if SHE is who you want to be with long term.
My guess is she want the IDEA of a marriage. She wants the PARTY from the wedding, but the responsibilities? Not sure she really does want those.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2015): Yes it is definitely cheating. She is sharing images of her body (I assume with no clothing) and flirting with other guys while she's engaged.
When you're a soldier off to boot camp or stationed in a foreign country. How can you trust her, if she's actively flirting and texting random guys (and her ex) even while you're still around?
You're too young and inexperienced to get married, if you don't realize how wrong this all is. She doesn't respect you, and she really isn't serious about getting married. None of her behavior is appropriate.
Wake-up young man! You're both too immature to get married.
She's been with you too long, and hasn't dated any other guys. She's got to get that out of her system. She's not even a good girl-friend. What kind of wife will she make?
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