A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a long one. I'm 22, she's 23, and she's amazing. We've been together for about 8 months and so far she's everything I want a woman. There are just 2 issues. 1st, she lives far away. She is currently going to school in Israel and will spend about 2 or 3 months there at a time, and then come back here to the US for 2 or 3 weeks. The time apart is difficult enough, but it gets worse.She's a virgin, and wants to stay that way until marriage. I don't know if I can handle that. She can hardly handle any sexual contact. She says she's never given a handjob or blowjob and is actually grossed out by the thought of oral sex, giving or receiving. I've tried to get her to do it, delicately, but each time she says she doesn't want to. We kiss a lot, but when it starts to get sexual she stops me.We've talked about it. She says it is because of cultural pressures (she is israeli catholic). premarital sex is very taboo. although she claims to disagree with it, she still abides by it. She often says "when i finally move to the US things will be different," but i doubt it. She often talks about getting married and how she would make up for all the lost time when we are married, but I don't know if i can wait that long. Also, how could I marry someone if I don't know if we are sexually compatible? I've always had a ravenous sexual appetite. one round was never enough for me, I'd go 3 or 4. sex IS important. the only reason I'm willing to consider waiting is because she makes me feel something I've never felt before. Because of this i want to make love to her, but she won't do it. I'm torn here. I'm still young and i have no idea when i want to get married. I don't know if I'm willing to wait until marriage, without getting any, and then take a big risk marrying a woman I've never had sex with. Part of me wants to just cut it off now, and part of me thinks she is worth it because she is so amazing. Her personality is one of a kind for sure, but she's leaving me sexually frustrated and unfulfilled. Do i convince her to have sex? do i give her an ultimatum? do i wait it out or break it off?
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blow-job, hand-job, oral sex, sexually frustrated Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (28 April 2012):
You have a real dilemma. Most of us, probably including most of the aunts that criticise you, treat sex like a recreational sport. It is fun and necessary to most of us, and yes, usually better with someone you love.If you wait until marriage to touch each other then you have no idea if she turns into wild sexual animal, or is totally frigid.You have to respect he wishes, maybe she is more afraid of having sex with someone from a different country who may well leave her feeling used and cheated? Is the religous thing is her easy way of saying no? If you love her and feel like she could be the one then tell her and buy her a ring. If when she moves to the US her love for you is so strong she may be able to put you above the religious indoctrination she has received. If not then you may have other issues to overcome.
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (13 April 2012):
 LOVE is giving,sharing ,caring,looking out for what is best for the other person, putting the other person above yourself. LUST is taking , wanting, self centered, looking out for what is best for self,putting self above other people. (how can i marry if i don't know if she is sexually compatible ) you either love her or you don't. you are interested in a test drive at her expense, no matter how it will effect her, and what it will do to her emotionally . you are interested in what is best for you, not what is best for her. you either love her , and respect her, or you don't. do not ask her to step down to your standards. she has higher standards, you should respect that in her, and feel honored to find a girl like that.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 April 2012):
 Are you serious?!?
I can tell you this right now -- your love is selfish. You're trying to give her an ultimatum for her to give you sex, or you bolt?
You should skip the ultimatum and let her go. I actually feel bad for her that she has to say to you "Wait until we move to the US". You're pressuring and pressuring and pressuring. She's saving herself until marriage, and you don't know if you want to marry her. In fact, you're saying stuff about marriage because you want to get into her pants.
She's a conquest to you. You want to crack her resolve. You want to get her to be sexual to you against her will and her wishes.
Seriously, not to be blunt, but you have a hand, right? You're carrying around like her choice is making your testicles explode for the sheer pressure of your semen, and I can tell the pressuring you're doing to her simply from the tone of your post.
You've gotta walk away if you have any decency. The long distance is rough enough, but trust me, there *will* be someone out there willing to wait for her, and they will thank you for not trying to break her for selfish reasons. You are incompatible with her, and trust me, if 'getting some" is your only goal, it's better to choose someone who is NOT saving themselves, especially for religious reasons.
If it's one thing, a desire to wait until marriage does weed out those who are only in it for the sex.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 April 2012):
 You cannot and should not have to convince anyone for sex. It's something that comes from within and it a very personal choice. Just because you are a very sexual person does not mean that it is the girl's duty to match up to you. She could be feeling the same way about you, that she cannot live up to your expectations and its difficult for her too.
Do not ever give her an ultimatum because its the worst thing you can do. Its like, "have sex with me or we're over"! Do you even realize how vile that sounds?!
Either you accept her choice and go with it or break up with her and carry on with your life the way you want to. Dont ever impose anything on anyone. Its your choice. If you can deal with it then its fine, if not then go your way.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (12 April 2012):
 You can't convince her to have sex, that would be morally wrong, don't you think? And it would be unfair to give her an ultimatum.
There's an important issue here that you two don't see eye to eye with. It's important to her that she waits until marriage, and it's important to you to be able to have sex before marriage to see if you're compatible. I think that's very understandable. But neither of you will budge and the both of you shouldn't have too.
Look, you two have very different beliefs, and it might be better off if the both of you find mates that have the same beliefs. A relationship can not work if the couple is not on the same page.
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