A
male
age
51-59,
*KW
writes:Hi everyone. Forget the last dilemma - that's all sorted out. Things are worse now...About three months ago my wife and I talked about splitting, after 17 years together, eight of them married. She'd had enough of me being depressed, going to work for 60 hour weeks, and basically not wanting her. Guilty! I begged her to stay, she gave it a chance. I have done everything I promised, paid her all the attention she could want, got into great physical shape, upgraded my wardrobe, and most importantly, made a huge effort with her friends and family. I have thrown my antidepressives in the garbage, it's all behind me.I asked her at the time if there was anything I needed to know, she said absolutely not. I found out later she had exchanged numbers with a guy while we were not getting on very well. Thats Lie 1. I said OK, nothing came out of it, she deleted the number, lets forget it.We'd been getting along OK, but she kept saying that she could never get the exact sane feelings back she used to have, all that had died while I slobbed out on the couch. I accepted this thinking that our marriage could evolve to take on new rules and ambitions. Sex has been mindblowing of late, but we don't do it nearly often enough...always on my initiation, I try but I don't want to smother her.Then she admitted she had snogged (British term for prolonged kissing with tongues) a guy while she was out once, again during our hellish period. Lie 2.She hasn't stopped going out with friends to bars, and two weeks ago she stayed out all night, I got a text message at 4 in the morning telling me she wasnt coming home until the next morning! We have two young children, by the way.Then a week ago I knew something was wrong. She came home in tears, one of her old friends who she'd neglected a little while she was out flirting had told her in no uncertain terms that she was throwing away a good marriage with her juvenile behaviour, etc. I said - just let it out, I'm tired of you holding back, lets please get a clean slate. So she admitted what I'd always suspected - she'd had sex with another man. Lie 3!Apparently it was a year ago during our doldrums, she was extremely drunk, she got up and left when it was over, and it wasn't all that good anyway. I took it very calmly, and she said that the guilt of it was holding her back from completely committing to me. Call me a fool, but after driving round for a while and thinking I came home and forgave her. She said she didn't deserve me, she'd make it up to me, all the usual. We even had sex that very night!Now I'm wondering. I'm seeing no remorse, no desire to put things right. She even said the next day she wished she hadnt told me. When i asked her why, she said that I wouldn't trust her again. I said I trust the marriage. If you want to be married to me and live in our house with our children then you'll always do whats right. One of her friends in particular called me at work one morning to ask if everything was OK. She was with my wife the night "it" hapened. We ended up arguing, she couldn't understand why I was just a teensy bit upset about what had happened, and said it was all my fault for driving her to it and I should be the one apologising. Guess who my wife is going out with this weekend? You guessed it! When all this came out, she said we could stay in for a few weeks and spend some nice weekend evenings together, might even save a little money...then it was "oh, if I do go out I'll be home by midnight, it's only right I respect you." Now she's asked if she can stay out til 3!I really don't know if she is serious about us anymore. When she is with me, no kids, now work, it's great. We have such good times, and she's optimistic about our future. Then the frinds come along and she puts them before me. What do you guys think? What can I do? I want to stay married to her, for our kids sake if nothing else.
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ambition, at work, depressed, drunk, exchanged numbers, flirt, kissing, money, no desire, period, sex with another, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 September 2008):
 This is your marriage and your life and you know best what to do. I sincerely wish you the best. Getting back the girl you adore is something we all want.
All the best.
A
male
reader, DKW +, writes (6 September 2008):
DKW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionInteresting couple of answers. She won't cheat agin, I'm sure of that. In fact, if she wanted someeone else she'd come out and say it. Sex is still amazing, and the ironic thing is that we were talking about threesomes, swaps, etc to keep things exciting - glad we didn't!
She said yesterday that she has "doubtful days", it's just her hormones or the time of the month and I shouldn't get all needy around her. That's cool, I can live with that, I just thought I'd see a little more remorse for what she'd done and a willingness to make amends. having said that, if I said lets leave it in the past and move on, then I have no right to expect that sort of behaviour?
I don't wanna lose her, it's too good to throw away. Our children would be devastated. My folks divorced and it had a big effect on my teen years. I can live with the nights out as long as she tones it down a little and remains faithful to me. I like to go out with my mates when I can too!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (5 September 2008):
I'm truly sorry to be of this opinion, but it seems to me that your wife doesn't want to stay married anymore, and I think you will end up splitting.
From your post, I see that you've been trying hard to save the marriage, but it hasn't worked out. It is not because she's mean or doesn't appreciate your efforts, but because the spark is gone, maybe forever. She's not doing her half of the effort and, on the contrary, is doing things that damage what you have left.
It seems true that you were responsible for a bad marriage, but half the responsibility is hers. I don't know if she tried to improve the marriage, but, if she did, instead of splitting she decided to sleep with someone else. You were cheated on and I don't see a reason why you should apologize.
You say she lied to you three times. Actually, what has been happening is that little by little she's been disclosing the true status of the relationship, from her side of it. You feel like it's a series of lies but it isn't.
Where do you stand now? You sound honest in your post. So, you have tried your best and it hasn't worked. Can you honestly say she won't get involved with anyone else when she's out with her friends again? Since she's been disclosing the truth in stages, are you sure she has disclosed everything?
What to do, then? If I were you, I would split now. That way, at least it would be a process I would plan, something I could keep some sort of a grip on, instead of a deluge of circumstances beyond my control. I would say something like "Gee, we aren't going anywhere now, so let's plan our divorce while we are still friendly and polite and can agree on things". Of course she would react to this, maybe by saying you should keep trying, but, honestly, I don't think you should.
Please think hard and long before you do anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008): Firstly I think it took great courage for you to kick yourself out of depression - not everyone can manage this with such commitment and determination. There has been damage in the 'bad times' and it is clear these friends have had a huge influence on your wife but probably given her huge support through all of this. Now things have improved at home in terms of you making the effort (she had given up on you previously) the ground has shifted and all the friends she told all her problems to are having to get used to the new situation. This is just a theory. In addition I think your wifes comments about wishing she'd not told you I understand because I did this to my husband and he was calm and the sex I'd had was not worth the cheating act so that is probably why - in other words the one night fling was not worth hurting you about. I think to truly put the past behind you I would recommend you two getting away child-free if you can for the weekend. I know it sounds a bit twee but it makes a statement to the friends and it will give you both a chance to talk away from any context, interested 'friends' calling or distractions of wild nights out. If your wife cannot move on with you (onwards and upwards so to speak) then she needs to tell you and break free because you've made the effort and its not making a difference. Finally and this might sound a bit radical (certainly given the current economic climate) but have you considered moving areas changing your lives? Could that offer the fresh start you both need? Only an idea - perhaps what I'm saying is think differently now and you have every right to say no to 3am and for her to try and stick to 12 on this occasion. Tell her you'd like to spend time with her. You don't want this to turn into a battle of wills but I wonder if she would like it if you went out until 3am after you'd told her you'd cheated.
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