A
male
age
41-50,
*lphamale
writes:Hi I'm in this relationship with this girl she's 26, extremely pretty and sweet. I believe her main problem is that I've noticed she can't let go of her past, an ex-boyfriend to be specific. She says she is not in love with him, but she's constantly bringing him up into our conversations, for instance "I hope I fall in love with you as I did with him" things of that sort. I'm trying to be very understanding, and I'm not the jealous type, but one day I told her to stop mentioning him because it made me feel uncomfortable. I discovered in her closet there's a guy's hat and it must be his but I didnt tell her anything. Last sunday I told her if she mentioned him one more time, I was out, and now she probably thinks I'm this big jerk who won't understand her. I really like this girl but I'm not going to beg. I don't know what to do
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (30 April 2009):
 If she thinks you are a jerk because of this then she is very wrong - what you are feeling is totally understandable and it is unlikely that she would find any man that would put up with her talking about the ex all the time!
Hanging on to things from previous relationships is a bit weird, some people see no harm in it because they feel that was part of their past and dont want to have to erase their past. However talking about an ex frequently is just unacceptable and she needs to stop - end of. Maybe try talking to her again but a bit nicer this time - dont give her an ultimatum as this just puts her on the defensive. Try saying that you really like her and are love spending time with her but all the talk of her ex makes you feel uncomfortable. Explain that you have no issue with her ex (as everyone has ex's and baggage!) but you just dont need to hear about him all the time.
Talking about an ex is a clear sign that he is still way too present in her life, even if she doesnt love him anymore she is possibly not ready to forget about him just yet. maybe ask her if she is ready for a relationship and ready just to be with you rather than clinging on to her past - see what she says.
I think you need one last attempt at talking with her and if this fails and she doesnt change then it is time for you to get out of there!
Hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, artistical_bumblebee +, writes (30 April 2009):
 mate why should you play 2nd?
your not the jerk she is noone deserves to be compared to an ex it's not on.
if shes not listening and you still want to keep her. then be more drastic.
1. give her an ultimatum (like you have done)tell her you have to be put first or you walk.
2. reverse physcology when she tells you things like i hope i like you as much as i liked him you reply with yeah, i hope your as good sex as my ex.
see how she feels when the balls on her side. if it bothers her you tell her that is what she is doing all the time. this should get the message across.
don't put up with this. if she continues just leave her. because there will be someone else who will live in the now with you not the past with their non existant lover.
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