A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a lesbian. Recently my ex girlfriend said she wanted to have a relationship with me. She was adamant that I was the person she really wanted to be with. She has been back and forth between me and another person for years and it was very wearing. However she said and has always said that I am the person she wants to be with, that I was her #1 choice. Ironically however, the majority of her time in relationships has not been spent with me. I was excited that this time it really seemed like she wanted me and me alone. I also truly seemed like she was willing to get this other person out of the way so we could focus on a relationship together. We talked a lot about things. I became very nervous though when I started hearing this "I want you. I want a relationship with you like the relationship I have had with (the other person)." I didn't know what to say at this point. Discussing my feelings became difficult, but I asked what she meant. She told me that she wanted me to be like this other person is in a relationship. I asked how that was. She told me that this other person always puts her first. Okay. This other person isn't occuppied with the busyness of life and would and does give up anything to just spend time with her because spending time with her is what she wants to do most. When I asked her what she thought about this translating into my life she told me that she would anticipate that I would give up some of my lifes busyness, my meetings at church (where I am on boards) and not go to church every Sunday. I spend maybe 8 hours a month at church total. She went on to say that in a relationship you should be willing to give up anything if you really love the person in your life. When I stared at her with a blank look on my face she got angry and told me that I was the most selfish person that she had ever met in her life. She told me that this was normal in relationships and if you love someone you should be willing to give up certain things just to be with them. She went on to say this included my pets (which I understand because she is allergic to cats) and my house (which I understand to some degree if we needed to live elsewhere). Keep in mind this person recently filed bankruptcy and has no funds. I almost have my home paid off after 20 years, just a few more payments. I would be willing to move but it would put us both in financial turmoil. She calls me selfish but even when I have not been with her I have helped her financially and have always been there when she came to me to talk. I have also helped her oldest son through college, with bills and with his truck payments when he was trying to make it on his own and go to college. I am quite stunned by this. I immediately asked her to go to counseling with me because this didn't seem like a healthy relationship to me and it seemed a bit odd that she thought it was all perfectly normal for her to have these needs and expectations in a relationship. I asked her for nothing. Well I take that back. I asked her to take down the picture of her and the other woman if she was going to see me. She refused. She continues to call me selfish and told me that I was giving up a lifetime and didn't know how relationships were supposed to work because I have "no experience" in thinking about someone else first. So what do you think?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Keria  +, writes (1 May 2007):
True love never demands another change for you. That's not love at all, it's ownership... which is the opposite of love.
A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (1 May 2007):
 I think she is being unreasonable about the whole thing.
Relationshipsare not about giving up anything for the person you love, but comprimise and understanding; none of which she is showing you.
2 hours a week at church is not alot whatsoever, and being that you are a religous person, surely she has to respect your beliefs and your desire to continue your practisies.
Relationships need to be a two way thing, you giving up the things you have worked towards and have strong feelings for can only lead to you resenting her for that. Yes, you should be putting her first, but the same goes for her surely??
Her expectations are not necassarily your expectations and there should be some kind of middle ground in it all. Thats what its all about is'nt it working things through finding what each other wants and needs and trying to accomplish that in a way so that no-one's character or self are changed significantly.
Someone who does'nt respect their partners feelings and expects this much is expecting alot.
Counselling would seem like a logical choice if she agreed to it.
No-one can blame you for feeling the way you do after what she has said. It does'nt sound like a selfish person by what you have said and done for her. Ultimately I think she needs to be serious about counsellling if she wants this to work.
All the best..
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