A
male
age
51-59,
*ashtal
writes:This is my story. I am not sure exactly which questions I would like to ask, perhaps they will emerge during my writing.I was/am together with my partner for one year. She is 39 and I am 41. I have a child from a previous marriage, a lovely 12 year old girl while my partner is childless but wants children. We live 2 hours from each other, me in London and she on the coast. We had a wonderful, caring and loving relationship and our love for each other was in no doubt at all.Just last week over dinner she had something of a breakdown saying how she felt "squashed" between my daughter, my ex-wife and my mother. She had mentioned this a few times previously so I had made sure that there were no interruptions for car runs etc while we were together. She also complained that if she moved up to London to be with me she would give up everything and I, in turn, would give up nothing at all. She is very close to her parents, who are in their eighties and wants to be near them. The evening ended by her hugging me, kissing me and saying she loves me but she has to finish it.I couldn't leave it there as the announcement was so unexpected and so counter to our feelings for each other that I had to take this into my hands in a more decisive manner. I drove down to her place a few days later and first got her assurance that she still loved me. I then offered to move down to a town just half an hour from her so she could feel more control over our relationship.She thought about this for a week and a half and when I called her she broke down again and said that she cannot see us together in the future and had gone back to a partner before, it hadn't worked out and she had "wanted to die"!A while later I arranged to meet her to give her stuff back. We had a wonderful lunch together and she didn't want to leave. She told me that she had never stopped being in love with me. Unfortunately, I had also just found out that she had been seeing another man for about three weeks during our relationship. Over these weekends she had been seeing and been physical with both of us. She has now been with him for two months.I didn't tell her that I knew of the infidelity...but then I just snapped when I realised that she wanted to walk away and make me believe that her leaving was my fault. I then did something which I will always regret in a very unwise way of fighting for our love. It wasn't any direct confrontation but something quite underhand and email-based. Enough to say that she now knows that I know. She has told me to seek counselling and will be in touch soon. I don't actually need counselling as this was a natural feeling of rage which I had to express somehow.We are still in touch and will probably meet up soon.We have such a rapport and mutual understanding that I don't want our friendship thrown out with the relationship. The trouble is that I have this strong conviction that we are still meant to be together and I think that she will realise this quite soon, after the initial rush of her new relationship has worn off.
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a break, ex-wife, infidelity, kissing, my ex, want children Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, lashtal +, writes (4 April 2011):
lashtal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Sexless in the UK.In response to your wonderfully insightful and supportive response it is worth pointing out two further facts:1) My (ex)-partner has experienced bouts of depression and been on medication. She stopped the medication a month after meeting me. This may be a relapse.2) This is the REALLY tragic part. I had a messy divorce a few years back and just getting my finances in shape. From November last year, I took on extra writing work to pay for an engagement ring. I was about to ask her to marry me inn the Moroccan desert (a place she'd always wanted to go) and I planned to propose in April (i.e. now)I realise that you will think this a completely bonkers idea but would it hurt to ask her to marry me regardless of the situation? Perhaps what she needs is guidance and direction from the man who loves her? Given that she has felt "second fiddle" in the past perhaps THIS is what it would take to show her that she is just as important to me as my daughter.REMEMBER that she is 2 months into a new relationship though!
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 Hi,
I would like to tell you that you "don't need conseling". I don't understand why someone that loves you would tell you to get professional help? You have the right to feel this way. You have the right to be angry & in rage. You trusted her & what she did was dishonest & disrespectful.
I don't mean to upset you, but having physical relations with two different men at the same time is "very bad". Why do we have so many people w/ std's? Why the disease keep spreeding?
I don't understand why people lie & cheat? I know people are different, have their own ways to deal with issues, perhaps its just me, but why lie?
People make mistakes & everybody deserves a 2nd chance.
You love her & know her well. You seem like a nice, reasonable, caring man. I hope she changes her behavior & shows you how sorry she's for her actions
I hope you make the right decision & clear all doubts in your relationship so won't happen again.
Wish you both well & good luck!
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A
male
reader, lashtal +, writes (4 April 2011):
lashtal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdateI forgot to mention the most tragic element of all. We talked about marriage quite a bit so I took on some work in the evenings to buy her a ring and take her to the Moroccan desert to propose. That proposal was supposed to come on our first anniversary, March 25th 2011. That was one month after we broke up. I still have the ring...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): I have to ask - why on earth do you want to be with her? She's cheated, is now in a relationship and tried to let you down gently by using many excuses ie distance, your Ex,daughter and mother.Why torture yourself by meeting up, leave her be, she knows where you are. In these relationships there always comes a time when who moves to where comes up and maybe the thrill of not living near each other had worn off and the real world kicked in?Be kind to yourself now and focus on developing a life where you live, and maybe with somebody who is local They say our future partner is often already in our phone.
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