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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Is it cheating if your fiance is talking to another man when you are at work and meets him out at restaurant without you knowing and the only way you found out is by a friend telling you?This was going on for a month with him calling and then her calling him back. Not only does she tell you she only talked to him ONCE, you catch her in a lie by asking to see the phone records? She says it was only talk nothing physical but come on who would believe that?I am searching for answers in my head on what to do I would always be so quick to tell other people she did it once she will do it again. now that im in this spot i just cant get the thought out of my head of her being with some other guy. How can you cope with that and move after loving somebody so much for them to just throw it all away full well knowing what they were doing. This was not an isolated incident this was thought out. I dont think i could ever look at her the same way again. She regrets doing what she did but does she really if i didnt find out would she had ever told me?? Maybe somebody can give me some isight on what i should do here.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007): Well last night I was playing chess with an unknown girl. Our son was asleep, and my fiancé/wife wanted to go swimming in the complex’s pool. There came a point that I thought the worse of her in a quick moment. I then headed out to the pool for a moment and the pool was being used by many, a couple there daughters, my girl, and to guys. My girl was talking to one of them. I walked up on this. I wasn't expecting it, but my instinct raised notice. Jealousy crawled up my spine. But I did say said nothing. I will handle this in silence I said to myself. As we went in she said, what’s wrong, I said "noting" I continued to call it a night pick up my guitar like every night and played a few melodies. She asked again what’s wrong. I new then she was on a counter approach to what I saw, I said nothing in a cool manner. She tried to snuggle as is she were smothering me up. I responded slightly. But not eager towards her. I said nothing of the matter and will not. I will keep cool silent to it all. Your case has a twist you know she has acted out apart from you. The key here is apart from you. Do you have child? Do you live with her? Do you owe her? Do you want "to be" with her? Don't look at love this at this moment. It tends to get in the way of focusing. In the movie The Matrix Vareligium tells Trinity that love has the same molecules structure as insanity. And believe it does. So put you love for her in a safe place. If you believe in a God then that’s what you do give it to GO. He will hold on to it to spare your pain. With love out of you hands and those simple answers answered you can then confront her in a civil way. It takes courage but brother you have courage. Set it straight. But do not get up set. Crying is ok, but yelling stirs up the demons. Useless both of you are already fighting. So yes she is cheating. She is planning, spending time and money, breathing the same air, putting her plans to motion with another male. This is premeditated. In her is another man, weather physical or just mental. He is there. She does not see, understand, or care. She has used what ever power or control she has and has used it for all the wrong things. She may have the best job, she may be an intelligent person, she may be the best mother/fiancé but she is the only person controlling this. You my friend will live the through the experience. You will come out ahead, she will not. She will loose you, nut never realize you were lost. She has not cherished you, not any moment, any laughter, personnel success, not any struggle, nothing. We all deserve to be cherished. The guy is just a guy like you and me he too will live through the experience he too is being cheated on is she not with you. She is no good. Damaged. You can return her; she may just end up on a clearance rack. Some guy may find her, but find how she is broken. She may end up at a yard sale hoping to be spotted but she will not. She will die lonely, alone forgotten, but you will not. And she may not. It's really up to how you handle what you hand over to GOD. LOVE
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (12 December 2006):
 Dr. Pete has many good points but I think it gives her too much wiggle room. Why didn't she introduce you to the guy. Why didn't you all get together. We all like to give our partners freedom but when it gets abused because the haven't crossed the "physical line" we supposed to just wait and keep giving them more chances. The burden is put on the partner to trust when in reality, your instincts tell you to protect your relationship.
Was she meeting him alone. We're they in groups? What was the scenario. More information please.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006):
You miss some seriously crucial information in your question!
What is the relationship between your fiancee and this other man? Do they work together? How long have they known each other? Are they friends? Are they ex's? How did they meet? How long have they known each other? Does he want to be with her?
Your fiancee lying is not a good sign for a happy relationship, but if the reasons are innocent [ie: they are just friends] then, I think, its recoverable. You though, need to find out why she felt the need to lie. Did you give her any reason to lie? Would you have understood if he was just a friend, or a work colleague? Or is she lying because she knows she is doing something very wrong?
You need to find out all this information, and you need to find out if you can change things so that she doesn't lie in future. Perhaps this is possible. But perhaps her lying is a sign that she wishes to be with someone else? Who knows. Only you can try to understand by communicating with her. How are things generally in your relationship? Has the sexual side changed? How romantic are you with her? Are you still affectionate? Or has that withered with time? Is she looking for this attention elsewhere?
So many questions - but questions you need to find the answers to. Good luck with whatever happens.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (12 December 2006):
 Its all up to you. You have to want to make it work but its not going to happen overnight. It takes talking and listening and understanding. Was it something you could have done better? Is it something missing? These are just example questions. Don't throw it all away for a mistake. Premeditated or not, people screw up and if you can't forgive, who's to say that you can't be forgiven.
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A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (11 December 2006):
 Cheating is lying, she lied. I'm sorry but if there was nothing to hide, there'd be no secrets. She may say she knew it would upset you, but the fact she still did it knowing that, isn't the greatest excuse. It doesn't mean there was anything physical, but there obviously was menatlly, perhaps eevn emotionally, which some find equally unacceptable as a physical realtionship. Personally it would take a lot for me to re-build trust. I would probably find myself being very suspicious of her every move and that's not healthy, but it could still work out if you talk it through.
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